Grrrrrrrrrrrrrh

My mother drives me nuts. I was up until twelve last night downloading things for her and I accidently messed up on one of them and she started screaming at me. That escelated into a huge fight and now I'm grounded from my car and the computer. I'm at school right now so thats the only reason I'm writing. Oh well.

I'm having a difficult time right now with the whole finding a significant other. Its not that I have to have one, but that I would like to have one. It seems that all of the girls that I'm attracted to are either straight or they live eight hundred miles away. I finally told Danielle that I have a crush on her and she said it was cool, as long as we're just going to be friends. I guess thats the way it should be but its very strange to be rejected, even in the friendliest sort of way. I'm so use to having everyone want me that for her to say no last night was a real shock. And then there's Saska. Gosh, I miss her. I really wish she and I lived closer to each other because I would either have an amazing friend or an amazing girlfriend. I just can't do the long distance thing so I'm trying to leave it alone and its very hard not to think of her. She and I were in the same host family at service and we ended up sleeping next to each other both nights. It was very pleasant and reassuring.

Now that I think of it, I haven't told you all about service rally. The drive down there was ok, though I rode with the Grapevine chapter instead of Funky Town. I didn't really know anyone in the car except for Megan and I felt it was a little bit awkard. When we got there I was so happy. I spent the entire night with Saska, Matt and Vanessa. Matt lead a really awesome and thought provoking workshop and then we got split up into family groups. Matt and I were leaders together and he was still finishing up his administrative work while I was desperatly attempting to find my bag. I had put it in the Ft. Worth car and they had arrived later than Grapvince and no one had taken my bag out of the car. It was a tad bit upsetting but I managed to focus and decide that it was ok. Family group was fun and I was excited to find that Bruce, the Central regional consultant, was in there along with Vivi, Mark, Mackenzie, Whit, Miles, Matt, myself and *eep* a sponser who's name I can't remember now. I knew it five minutes ago..... Anyways, he was cool and family group one went well. Saska and I then headed of to our host family which was an amazing woman named Wendy. She was once a YOUer and a regi so we all had a lot to talk about. Wendy was awesome and we all stayed up talking until about one in the morning.

The next day we went back to the church and Ft. Worth led joy songs. I also told a really funny joke about elephants that you need to hear. Ask me about it some time. After that we danced and waited for it to be time to go do the service. Oh, and somewhere in there my clothes arrived and I got to change out of the nasty clothes I had been wearing for two days. It was great. Finally we bused over to the park and began to pick up trash. I helped for about a half hour before the pain became unbearable and then I walked around and held trash bags. By the time lunch break rolled around I was feeling really depressed, though talking with Matt and Saska helped. After lunch we moved into the forest and started clearing out paths. I felt completely helpless and useless but all of the loving wonderful people around me cheered me up. I was amazed at the amount of support and love that I recieved, it really helped me find the good in the situation. The good was that I got to go around and watch everyone work, watch how they helped each other and watch them rejoice whenever they met a goal. It was really fufilling.

After working we went to the YMCA to take showers and then we went back for siesta to the church. Matt played his native american flute yet again and I secretly played with him on my legs. It was really great to jam with him and I can't wait until I can play my drum so that we can lay down some serious rhythm. We ate dinner and hung out and then Saska led her workshop on the twelve powers. They did it in a really interesting way and I think you should all ask her about it. I loved it.

Next was family group and heart talk. While everyone else was talking Bruce did energy work on me and it was very interesting. I don't know really how to describe it, though later, when he explained it to me, it made a lot more sense. I talked at heart talk and then everyone gave fuzzies and we went home to host families. Once again we stayed up late talking and had a blast laughing.

Sunday morning was the service, which I found very empowering, and my conversation with Bruce about the energy work. He definatly opened some old wounds and helped me realize places where I could work. I am so greatful to him about that. Lunch at CiCi's and then I had to leave my loved ones and come back to Ft. Worth. I miss them. They were wonderful and even when I was depressed they loved me anyways. It was great.

Well, the bell is about to ring so I'm out. Don't forget that I'm grounded, though I don't know for how long. I'll let you all know sometime. Good Bless.

I keep falling for straight girls.......

Friends
*disclamer- I wrote the majority of these at different times so some of them are with new info and some are without. This is whats been taking me so long to do*

*Grins* I'm stealing a page out of Celeen's book, that she stole out of Chris' book, though I don't know who Chris is personally. I'm writing about people in my life that have effected me in some way or another or people that I just know and like. I guess those two things are kind of synonymous but whatever.

People In Joshua
These are my basic group of friends, though I do talk to many other people. My lunch buddies are:

Josh- Josh was my gay friend last year until his parents found out he was gay and he went through some good ole' Christian changes that forced him to be what I believe is something that he's not. Oh well, not for me to decide who he dates. He is generally a good guy but he can be very overpowering on the intelligence front. We often come to blows on technicalities and we give each other crap about everything, and I do mean everything. We're pretty good friends.

Melissa- Melissa, along with Donovan who you will "meet" later, is probably has the most pure heart and mind that I have ever met. It works for and against her in a lot of ways. Because of her parents she has been amazingly sheltered her entire life. She didn't stop attending a non-Christian private school until her freshman year and thats when she met me. I've been slowly corrupting her since. She is kind, thoughtful, an amazing cook and probably one of the best friends I have. Her parents drive me nuts though, they won't let her go to prom or stay the night at other people's houses or anything that could slightly be fun. I think she feels left out a lot. She is a devout Christian and is the president of the school's bible study group and though she and I disagree on almost everything in religion, she still loves me enough to pray for me to be saved and for my arms to become better. I respect her and love her an amazing amount.

Andrew- Oh god, Andrew is one of the funniest people I know. He has an amazing gift with words and is able to manipulate them into hilarious puns that, more often than not, I'm the only one who gets the joke. That makes me love him even more. He, like most of the guys at my lunch table, has a lot of girl trouble and a lot of times he comes to me for advice which I find very funny and touching all at once. Andrew is a great guy.

Cassie- *Laughs Hysterically* Cassie is the coolest stinking person I know. She rarely wears clothes that match and she always has a silly off the wall opinion that makes very little sense and makes everone laugh until they turn blue. She is not the most intelligent person I know, but I respect her more than I respect most of the people in my life because she challenges herself with classes that she barely scrapes mid-eighty's in and works her ass of to get them and then she LEARNS. Amazing, absolutely amazing. She also is my partner in crime, *muahahahaha*. Yeah.

Donovan- Ayeyiyi, where do I start. Donovan is no less than a genius, no more than a person. He is kind, chivalrous and is very aware of his actions. He is quiet and he reads all the time. He studies physics and chemistry in his spare time. His intelligence amazes me and truly is the biggest reason I am so helplessly attracted to him. I glorify him as I ask people not to glorify me and I can't help it because he is so breathtaking when he speaks. He is the only boy that I am attracted to and I think he's gay, or the unthinkable, he just doesn't like me!!!!!!!!!! He is also my prom date, though we're going as friends.

Jennifer- Jenn is a girl who trys amazingly hard in class but is just naturally ditzy. She's very fun to hang out with and is a very talented dancer.

Sarah- I played little dribblers basketball and all of the middle school sports with this girl. She "converted" from the popular crowd earlier this year and now hangs out at the dork lunch table with the rest of us. Her mom is also my AP BIO teacher. She's very sweet.

Tiffany- Tiffany is my friend from band. She and I talk guys and girls, guys for her and well, mostly girls for me. She is nice but at times very judgmental. She's also best friends with Josh and they are going to prom together.

Chris- Chris moved from Grandbury to Joshua in the middle of this semester and he also attends my church at times. He bought my big brothers car and I took him three or four times to the DMV trying to help him get his license. He has a very vibrant energy to him, though at times he is hard to swallow. He's a good guy and he helps me work on patience.

Lauren- This girl is pure at heart though much of what she does, she does for attention. She's had a hard life and has a hard time fitting in, though luckily she found our lunch table and the acceptance that comes with it. I mean honestly, look at the bunch we have sitting there. We are a tolerant and loving group of people, though we do it in different ways.

Ashley- Another sweet girl, though her viewpoints are very limited to the stereotypical Joshua ideals. She does have a huge heart though.

People from Joshua who left me *cries*

Marlina- My original partner in crime *tears* I miss her so much. She, Melissa, Cassie and I could paint the town red if those good little Christian girls would relax for a few minutes lol. She is amazing, another person who I respect with my whole being. She is working her way through a private highschool, paying for her own classes, car, gas and insurance. She has amazing beliefs that astound me just because the way she explains them. She is so classy and crazy and lovable. I miss her.

Amanda MANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay for Amanda!!!!!!!! My valedictorian and probably one of the best friends I've ever had. She accepts me for me and loves my worries about me and the Christian world. She is amazingly funny and smart, kind and generous, understanding and amazingly awesome. We name cars together, and trust me, you can't get much cooler than that. She has headed of to college and to British boys, well, boy, in Lubbock. She and I ran cross country together and played soccer too. I met her while she was dating my big brother and we sparked a wonderful friendship while swordfighting with drumsticks. Yes, she is awesome. ALTO CINCO, BAJA CINCO, pause, pause, DOS CINCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Misty- I haven't talked to Misty since last summer. She took me to prom last year just because she loves me. She was fun and I miss her. Another college girl off to the real world.....

People who aren't from my school and I didn't meet at church

Erin- Lol girl, you get your own category. That should make you feel special *winks*. Erin is an old friend of mine, we played soccer together forever ago. She also has been/is a love interest of mine for quite some time. To be honest, she is the best kisser that I have ever been so fortunate to kiss. She is passionate and quiet and for some reason doesn't voice her opinion much. That drives me nuts and not in a good way. I feel like an ass because of what happened with the Donovan stuff, but honestly I made the right decision, I can't feel that way about him and date someone at the same time. She is really amazing and I hope some day I'll be able to get my head out of my bum and realize it.

Ft. Worth Chapter Bums

Shands- Shandsamapoo is a soul mate of mine. He and I are connected in the most fun way. People think we're related and its very funny. He makes me laugh about my own faults, helps me realize them so I can improve upon myself. He is very deep, very thoughtful, very connected to the energy around him. At times I find myself jealous of his connectedness. He, along with Josh, are the only people I really ever feel jealousy for. He is amazing and I love him with all my heart.

Megan- Another very kind, very nice person. Megan and I dated for about two months and alot days during those two months were the happiest I ever had. She was my first serious girlfriend after Analise and because of that she means a lot to me. She is very sensual and very attractive. Megan is another girl that I probably didn't deserve because I can't keep my head on straight. She and I ended on good terms and I would like to say for the right reasons. She and Erin are very alike in the fact that both of them never really opened up to me. I always felt like I was the one doing all the talking and I am to pshycologically driven to be able to handle that. Both great girls.

Rally Buddies

Analise- Wow, there is so much to write. Analise was my first girl I ever dated and the first, and for the moment, only, person I have ever loved. She has been one of my best friends since my first Bi-Regi and she and I used to be connected in a really amazing way. Lately we've been drifting apart but we're working on it. She and I tend to disagree about small little stuff, which of course is very silly. I love her alot and I miss her prescence in my life. Oh, and apparently, after a long discussion with Bruce, I am not completely over her. I guess it was obvious to everyone but me. I'll get over her eventually, I hope. By the way babe, thank you for the card, it was kind of strange.

Celeen- Celeenie Beenie is one of my favorite people in the entire wide world. She is amazingly intelligent and gifted musically in her little pinkie five times more than my whole body is. I love her continous analysis of the world around her and her uplifting light hearted smile. She is a great person and it makes me really sad sometimes that I don't know her as well as I would like to. Oh, and though it seems far fetched, I really want to room with her in college. It would be the most fun thing in the entire world.

Vanessa- YAY!!!!!!!! Vanessa is going to TCU next year and that makes me very, very happy. I got really close to her last rally and during the time I spent with her and Shandsamapoo. She is a very wise person for someone her age, a young 16, and she shows it, though I think that she's not as secure as everyone believes. Somewhere inside me I think that she feels unsecure about something, though I'm not sure what. Oh well, I love her to death, even when she keeps little silly secrets from me. She helped me so much this weekend in so many ways and she truly has been a blessing in my life.

Saska- I miss this girl so much. I am closer to her than any one else in my life. She listens to me, she hugs me, she lets me say silly stuff and get away with it and she talks back to me, intelligently with her own opinions. Plus, she smells really good. This wonderful girl sends me letters and cards in the real mail when I'm feeling blue and lonely. She and I connect wonderfully and I've spent much of today thinking of her beautiful face and missing her immensly. Its hard to be so seperate from a best friend. Oh, and just by the way, I did mean what I said Saturday night, I'm looking forward to it and it makes me sad that you and I can't have that chance together now girl. Good bless.

Matt- Another beautiful soul I've met through YOU, Matt is an amazing musician and a touching person. He was my family group co-leader at service, which he and Saska planned, it was kick ass by the way, and it was awesome to see his spirtuality in work while I got to know him. He, along with Saska and Vanessa, helped me immensly this weekend. I don't think that I could have come home from service rally with a positive out look on life without their constant support, hugs and molestations. I think I spelled that wrong. Anyways, Matt kicks booty at music and at sprituality and I love spending time with him.

Jenniffer- Jenn is also from the Houston chapter, along with Saska and Matt. She is a very complex girl who I've known for a long time, though she is really an amazing person. First of all, even though she doesn't realize it, she is very, very strong. Second of all, even though she is unsure of her self, she is wonderful to hang out with and be around and of course don't forget her breath taking voice. I'm so lucky to be loved by people who love music, it just makes the world better.

Donna- She radiates beauty and spirit form every pore of her body. This girl is so amazing. She was my first family group leader and for the past few years she's been my mentor and my equal, even though that took me two years to figure out. She is also regi at the moment and I'm hoping that I'll be her predecesor in order to carry on the legacy that she's started. Ok, so there's not a legacy but it would still be freakin' awesome for her to pass down all that fun stuff to me. I love Donna!!!!!

Daniel- Daniel was my other first family group leader along with the aforementioned Donna. These two were great friends and I had an amazing first rally. Daniel is not the most stable boy in the world but I love him so much. He's been going through hard times lately and I'm glad that I've been there to help him through. I love him a lot as well.

Ricky- I haven't talked to Ricky in forever, though I'm iming him right now. I've helped him through some hard times and he has helped me through the same. He is a nice guy to me but sometimes the way he treats the people that I love makes me want to slap him.

Amber- I haven't seen this girl since conference in August. Amber was the first person I ever really taught to play the drums and she's looked up to me since. I love her so much but I never get a chance to talk to her. I miss you girl.

Danielle- So, about Danielle, this girl is amazing. She intrigues me like no one ever else has before. She has a very nonchalant style about her but she is very deep and is very open about her thoughts. I love listening to her and talking to her and rhyming with her. I think I'm developing a little crush, but those of you who know her, please don't tell her. I don't want to start anything crazy and it is, after all, only a crush.

TADA!!!!!!!!!!! Thats the end, if I've forgotten you, I'm sorry, I listed almost thirty people and its hard to remember everyone who has touched my life in a wonderful way. Good bless. I'm out.

*Gorgeous*

This could quite possibly be the most beautiful song I have ever heard in my entire life. Don't take that lightly.

Broken Wings
Martina McBride

She loved him like he was
The last man on earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come loving up on her
Give a little, take back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord, he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believing
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"

And with a broken wing, she still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man, you oughta see her fly

Come Sunday morning, she didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to her bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowing in the breeze

And with a broken wing, she still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man, you oughta see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man, you oughta see her fly

*Worries*

Screen names were changed for the protection of the not so innocent but loved.

cow: hi
cow: I'm writing you an email right now...
dabopgk: ok
dabopgk: no matter what you say, you can't justify taking drugs to me
cow: I know
cow: I just want you to understand
dabopgk: you are the one who needs to understand babe, you're wrecking your life. where has taking drugs gotten you? you're out of money, out of friends, excluding the druggies, and you aren't happy
dabopgk: no one is ever going to be happy all the time, but i haven't talked to you when you were happy in the last eight months
dabopgk: probably the last year
cow: well... I've been going through a hard time in my life
dabopgk: how are drugs helping?
cow: they're not
dabopgk: they let you escape
cow: no
cow: they don't
dabopgk: then why do it!?!
cow: to learn about myself, I suppose.
dabopgk: thats crap
dabopgk: you can learn about yourself in a thousand other, unharmful ways
dabopgk: i'm being so crabby and mean about this because i love you
dabopgk: just so you know
cow: I know
cow: I love you too.
cow: it's people like you who really do make me happy
dabopgk: then why do drugs
dabopgk: because people like me don't
dabopgk: i'm not happy all the time, but i am most of it
dabopgk: choose something better for yourself
dabopgk: you can
dabopgk: i know you, you have an amazing willpower
dabopgk: if you want to, you can
dabopgk: do something that will help you
dabopgk: you are intelligent, you are able, you are wonderful and i love you
dabopgk: you can do anything you choose
dabopgk: if that sounds like bs to you, i'm sorry to hear that, because all of its true
cow: I understand
cow: and I definitely respect your viewpoint
dabopgk: but?
cow: but I disagree, is all.
cow: and I really think that mine is also valid
cow: for me, anyway, right now
dabopgk: *sighs*

*Being Thoughtful*

And now, an excerpt from Celeen's blogger.

Becca-
From fort worth, I know her through Chirch. She and analise dated for a while last year, but broke up. She as pretty dramatic back then. These days she loosened u considerably, but still plays the dating game a frantically as she ever used to. She's really an awesome person, very loving in general. She plays(ed?) drums, and she writes, and loves music, and is consitently the center of attention. Unfortunately, she's got carpal tunnel, so I don't know if she'll be able to keep up her drumming stuff. :(
Also Called: Rebecca, Becco

I think thats a very apt and interesting description of me. Yes, when I'm not with someone steadily, I do play the game frantically. I definantly agree with that. Hopefully its going to be plaYS instead ED, but who knows. The thing that I really find interesting is her observation that I'm "consistently the center of attention." That is true as well, but I can tell you I sure as hell don't try to make it so. It just seems that I stumble into the situations and then suddenly wham bam everyone is looking at me. Have any of you ever seen the Farside cartoon with the unfortunate cow? She always ends up with something bad happening to her. She gets ubducted by aliens, eaten by a snake, caught in a burning barn or any number of things like that. She just stumbles into them. Her personality probably has something to do with it, as does mine, but *sighs* I can not help being myself...........

Just so you know, I'm not trying to refute Celeen's opinion, but to understand myself...... or perhaps make excuses, you make the choice.

Hard Wired
Tracy Chapman

Your wants desires
Needs and wishes
Will be duly noted
Processed filed and cataloged
Labeled and encoded
Turned into sitcom dialog
And advertising slogans

We've got a box to put in your brain
Hard wired for downloading
All the secrets and the mysteries
You've been selfishly withholding

The dreams and hopes
That once were yours
Will now be collected and dispersed
So the first to come with cash to spend
Will be the first one served

We've got a box to put in your brain
Hard wired for downloading
All the secrets and the mysteries
You've been selfishly withholding

Make you think you like to be watched
Displayed on the auction block
Invaded in your own home
Stripped naked on the television
Humiliated in front of millions

We've got a box to put in your brain
Hard wired for downloading
All the secrets and the mysteries
You've been selfishly withholding

We've got a box to put in your brain
We've got a box to put in your brain
We've got a box to put in your brain
We've got a box to put in your brain

Your wants desires
Needs and wishes
Will be duly noted

*Sighs*

Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl...... Boy.........

Hey Jealousy
Gin Blossoms

Tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could Just crash here tonight
AS you see I'm in no shape for drivin'
And any way I 've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might no be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place

Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to drink
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much form me
YOu might not be let down

Cos all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
Andlet the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place

Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place

Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy...etc

Listen to my heart
There's only one thing I can start

I DON'T LOVE RACHEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or at least thats whats Ross says.

Now that I can't do anything with my arms I either lay comatose or watch tv, which you all know I despise. Anyways, thanks to Tivo and my unfortunate non-arm-useage, I watched yet another episode of Friends today. Ross was trying to convice Fibi that evolution was the only possible way for existance to be how it is. He was very persistant, obstinate, arrogant and big headed. I am Ross. Poopy poo poo. Like Analise aptly said last night, I always have to be right and she always has to win. Even though she said that in a joking matter and I received it as such, I find that is a truth for me. I always have to be right. I'm gonna work on that.

Alot.

dabopgk: you are so right
FaithfulAngel04: about?
dabopgk: several things *blushes, slightly ashamed of self*
dabopgk: i do get very preachy
dabopgk: and i am ross
dabopgk: i always have to be right
dabopgk: thank you for bringing that to my attention, seriously
FaithfulAngel04: youre my girl, i love to take care of you, weaknesses and all. And I love it when you take care of me. Just sometimes, i can't listen to you anymore. I do love you so so much and I'm really glad that you are as loving and as accepting as you are.
dabopgk: *grins*
dabopgk: just so you know, i'm not upset in anyway, i'm kind of relieved
dabopgk: now i know what i need to work on
FaithfulAngel04: good im glad
FaithfulAngel04: dont be too hard on yourself though
dabopgk: i'm not
dabopgk: i'm really quite cheerfull about this actually lol
dabopgk: i
dabopgk: ve been a jerk for quite a while to a lot of people without realizing it, though i could tell the difference subconsiously, at least now its pinpointed
FaithfulAngel04: i love you
dabopgk: *smiles*
dabopgk: why thank you
dabopgk: love you too babe
dabopgk: so, what do you want to tell me? i've resolved not to be preachy now so you can say anything you want
FaithfulAngel04: haha
dabopgk: you laugh?
FaithfulAngel04: celeen is coming over yay!2
FaithfulAngel04: i laugh because.... im a giggly girl
dabopgk: got that right
dabopgk: but seriously, is there anything you want to tell me
dabopgk: '?
FaithfulAngel04: well not right this instant
FaithfulAngel04: but maybe later
FaithfulAngel04: im gonna talk to celeen
FaithfulAngel04: but ill talk to you later?
dabopgk: ok, just remember to tell me not to be preachy
dabopgk: ok, bye babe *waves*
FaithfulAngel04: hey lets make plans to talk tomorrow night
FaithfulAngel04: bye bye
dabopgk: ok
dabopgk: bye *waves*
FaithfulAngel04 signed off at 7:52:31 PM.

That goes for the rest of you as well, if I'm being preachy or pretentious, TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you. Good bless.

That I Would Be Good
Alanis Morrsiette

that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

*Giggles*

I'm not supposed to be doing this....

Hey Analise, in response to your blogger thingie, I know that I get preachy but for some reason I just can't shut my mouth and listen. Next time say Becca, you're being preachy, let me talk. I don't know why thats so hard for me, but it is. Thanks *winks*.

Ayeyiyi, I am way to indecisive, but it works for me I guess. Everyone else is left wanting *pouts*.

Did you like the poem in the post before? I wrote that forever ago. Its not there for any particular person to read, but because I'm struggling with my own thoughts, again.

I had a few weird dreams last night. In one of them Donovan was there and he didn't like me, in another he was there and he did like me and in the other one there was a girl who was my girlfriend except I didn't remember that and when she reminded me I said "Ohhhhhhh. Yeah, of course...." She still liked me, it was strange.

I don't think there is going to be any serious dating for a while. I don't want to end up like Ross.

However, I do miss Erin, though I can't decide if it was the touch or if it was HER touch. I, of course, miss Analise, but thats more in a friendship way.

I miss playing the dating game. I'm good at it, or at least thats what I've been told. I love the flirting, the giggling, the pretended obstinance, the silly reconciliation, I miss buying the ice cream or taking her to dinner. I have no idea what to do around the boy and I miss the dance.

I don't agree with everything in this song, but it's still funny....

Girls
Beastie Boys

Girls - all I really want is girls
And in the morning it's girls
Cause in the evening it's girls

I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

Back in the day
There was this girl around the way
She liked by home-piece M.C.A.
He said he would not give her play
I asked him, "Please?" - he said, "You may."
Her pants were tight and that's ok
If she would dance - I would D.J.
We took a walk down to the bay
I hope she'll say, "Hey me and you should hit the hay!"
I asked her out - she said, "No way!"
So I broke North with no delay
I heard she moved real far away
That was two years ago this May
I seen her just the other day
Jockin' Mike D. to my dismay

Girls - to do the dishes
Girls - to clean up my room
Girls - to do the laundry
Girls - and in the bathroom
Girls - that's all I really want is girls
Two at a time - I want girls
With new wave hairdos - I want girls
I ought to whip out my - girls, girls, girls, girls, girls!

Untitled 1

Thoughts are flowing, gliding through my mind
Some stick, catching on the jagged edges of my conciousness
Those thoughts wrap around securing themselves
The others quietly peeping their opinions as they disappear
Thoughts tug at my mind
The confuse, they solve, they sit and ferment
Growing ever larger, more complex
Hard to understand on the outside
But inside they are crystal clear
To find the inside I must accept
Accept them and learn with them
Thoughts develop ever more in my mind


Lover I Don't Have To Love
Bright Eyes

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?
So it's up the stairs and out of view
No prying eyes I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time

Now it's two o'clock the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been here before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Yeah where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
He said it feels good
I said I'll give it a try

Then my mind went dark
we both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing
And the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
It was the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you but you you write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt Do you like to hurt? '
Cause I do I do I do Then hurt me
Didn't hurt me Oh this hurt me

Blah Blah Blah

I think I'm pretty much done talking to Erin and I mean that strictly in a relationship sense. She said she wished I hadn't called last night so I guess I won't call. The more I talk to her, the less she says and the more frusterated I get. I do realize that my choice is what caused all of this and I'm ok with that. I guess if she doesn't want to talk to me, I won't talk to her. When she is ready to talk to me she will, if she never is, well, that sucks, but its how it is. So it goes.

I want a Nine Days cd.... Just really a reminder for me btw.

Sometimes I feel like people glorify me, like they blow up who I am into this magnificent picture of who they want me to be for them. *I'm not talking about one person in particular, I'm talking of a lot of people I've dated and lot of people who I've met* It drives me nuts sometimes. I don't want to be a savior, I don't want to be the only thing that can help. I want to be funny, laughable, intelligent Rebecca, or Becca, who people like and respect. I don't want to help, I want to be. I don't want to be the answer, I don't want to be your cure, but I will be your friend, I will be your lover. Don't expect me to be someone amazing or spectacular. Expect me to be me. I'll try to do the same.

So..... my arms hurt like a mofo. Yeah, its really getting that bad, in fact, I really shouldn't be typing this but this hurts less than hold a book or a piece of paper or a pen. Isn't that horrible? I don't think I'm going to be able to play drums next year, this is just hurting to badly. I don't know what I'm going to do at service rally, I doubt I'll be able to do service with my feet...

God this hurts....

Well, I have to go, the pain is getting unbearable and I've yet to eat, which hurts as well. I miss talking to all of you online, but I just can't take it. Give me a call if you would like, it would probably make me smile *winks*.

Beautiful Day
U2

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

You were never a last resort.

Period. I meant that I ignored the original plans of dating because I didn't have conflicting emotions for anyone else. I thought that I only wanted to be with you and not date anyone else so I decided to skip all the silly foreplay relationship stuff. I decided it was simpler to ask you out instead of waiting three weeks. I was wrong and I know that I was.

Here's the song you were trying to find.

I Feel So
Boxcar Racer

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
Wish I could feel no pain
Wish I was young
Wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so calused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so calused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so careless
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so calused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Let's start over

Wonderful

Its nothing that you did wrong or that you did right. It wasn't your blogger and no, it wasn't Megan. You're completely right; I should have stuck with the plan that I had originally, it would have been much easier on both of us. I didn't use you. I swear that. I wouldn't do that to you, or to anyone else for that matter. In all honesty, I had to do this because I have to many feelings for to many people. Its not fair for me to go to school and feel this passionate about Donovan and then to come home and talk to you and feel this passionate about you. You deserve better than that and so does he. I asked you out because it felt right, I asked you out because I had given up on everyone else. Apparently they hadn't given up on me and now I can't restrain my own emotion. I'm not supposed to and I know you wouldn't want me to do so. Yes there are things that Donovan has that you don't, but you have just as many things that he doesn't have. Its not fair to compare the two of you. I wasn't making up little white lies to make you feel better. I would date you again, I want to, its just that I can't have these conflicting feelings and be true to you at the same time. I'm sorry that I've hurt you.

I told a friend of mine that I was worried about him because he was drinking so much. He told me he was worried because of all of the relationships I've been through in the last six months. I'm worried too....

Friday night, when I said you were beautiful I meant it. When I laid my head on your shoulder and sighed, I was truly happy. When I said the night was amazing it was. When I say that you are wonderful, you are nothing but that, wonderful.

You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, though I'm sure I'll miss your voice. I'm sorry that I've made an already amazingly hard week harder. For some reason I tend to do that for people.

Please forgive me.

Sometimes I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror....

dabopgk: can we talk about something?
erinlJONES: like what?
dabopgk: about us i guess
erinlJONES: ok
dabopgk: today at lunch donovan sat next to me and i realized how strongly i felt for him. my problem is that i feel so strongly for both of you and i don't feel like its fair to you for me to feel this way about him. i feel as though i'm lusting after him while i'm stringing you along
dabopgk: i just am attracted to the both of you so much that i don't feel right being torn between you two this way
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: if you want him, then go for it
dabopgk: its not that
erinlJONES: then what is it?
dabopgk: babe, i like you so much, you are wonderful and i really mean it when i say it, but i feel like i'm going to hurt you if this goes on any longer
dabopgk: i can't flirt with him and date you, i can't have both without hurting two wonderful people so i don't want either
erinlJONES: just tell me what you want and thats what it will be
dabopgk: can we go back to dating, just stop being "together" so i can get this sorted out?
dabopgk: i'm sorry babe, i'm such an ass
erinlJONES: sure, whatever you want
dabopgk: i still care about you and like you and enourmous amout
erinlJONES: no, what you want is what you want so don't worry about it
dabopgk: amount
erinlJONES: you see I don't know what it is, I guess I just have this sense, cause for some reason I expected something like this to happen today
erinlJONES: or atleast since last night I've felt that way
dabopgk: are you ok?
erinlJONES: yeah
dabopgk: honestly, please babe, tell me if i can do something to make this better? are you really ok?
erinlJONES: you can't do anything about anything else cause you have to follow what you feel, and yeah I am ok
dabopgk: *smiles weakly*
dabopgk: i really am sorry
dabopgk: and i don't want this to be completely over
dabopgk: i just need some time

*Ouch*

I forgot to wear my braces last night and I've used my arms a lot today, so I'm just going to jot down some quick notes so I can write later.

Being there for others is selfish.
Thoughts on relationships- Erin, Donovan, Megan, Analise.
Frusterations with self.
The amazingly wonderful time I had with Erin on Friday night.
Parental support.
The amazing amount of choices open to me.
Sleep, or the lack of thereof.

I'm feeling very introspective.

Much love.

Lists

Homework
Spanish- Test, study vocab list 11
History- Read and annotate article
Biology- finish problem and bring note book
English- Finish paper
IPC- fill out review sheet, study for test.

Cd's I want
Autority Zero
Stephen Speaks
Five Years On the Streets
many, many others....

Funny Things
Everything I say
Cows
Muffins
Chickens
Cheese
Jesus liking cheese, and chicken
"I think what you're trying to say...."
NO BITING!!!
Oh shit.............
Yo momma
Oh heck yeah
Yay. Yay.

Oops...

I've forgotten something else that I wish to write about.

About Erin......

I love the way she calls me Rebecca, instead of Becca, no one else does that and I don't really know why. I like the way she laughs and giggles at everything, and I do mean everything I say. I like her hair, even though its short, and I like her nose *teehee*. She has a very cute nose. I like the fact that she calls me cute, that she likes detail, that she gets flustered and I know it. I like how we settled straight into a normal relationship without the drama or the loss of that "initial feeling." I like her innocence. We love stars, I like that too. Lol, I can't believe she loves Hanson, but I like that too. I love the irony surrounding the relationship and the way she likes to listen to me talk, even when my words don't make sense at all. She's a bi-sexual drama queen and she likes me *grins*.

Lol.

*Sighs* All of those things are true, but I still feel guilty about Megan. Maybe not guilty, but concerned. I know she reads this, as does Erin *waves at both*, and I'm afraid of hurting her feelings or having her feel like I used her. I didn't. I enjoyed my time with her and there were/are still many wonderful things about her. She is a great girl, things just weren't working out. Maybe stuff will work out someday, but until then, I am deeply honored to simply be her friend.

Things I'll Never Say
Avril Lavigne

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it--yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind
If ain't comin out we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cause I know your worth it

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it--yeah

I guess i'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never say

Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I have a problem....

Last summer at Bi-Regi, I found I had a problem with putting other things before me and before my better good. I would put people, homework, commitment, anything and everything before my own sanity. If you couldn't figure that it out, that didn't work well for me. In fact, it made my life a painful misery in which all I did was everything but take care of myself and complain to my closest friends about how I felt empty. With the help of my beautiful girlfriend of the time, Analise, my YOU regional consultant, Bruce, and one of my dearest friends, Donna, I began the long road of being just to be me. It was hard for the first couple months, hard not to wonder what my friends and loved ones were thinking, hard to say that I needed to take a break when the pressure was just to much. I did it though, I found the strength within myself and I decided that I could do it. I could be, I could be happy, content, without anyone else's help. And I was, for a while. Life got harder, I got busier. I began to feel contemptous for those around me. Anyone could get on my nerves if they, or really I, wasn't careful.

During school was, and still is, the hardest. If someone doesn't understand what I take to be a simple concept, I feel like I am wasting my time with them, when, in all actuality, I am not even involved with them and I am wasting my time being hyper critical and unkind. No one ever seems good enough to me, I reject people almost instantly.

I have started to jump to snap judgements, to criticize without reason or justifications. I've begun to use egotism as a form of humor, and though at times it can be very funny, I've taken it to heart. I am an amazing person, but I am no better than the next person. I am no worse. I simply am and with my actions lately I have been preventing other people from simply being.

JUST BE; NO EXPECTATIONS

Deep down I am a kind and accepting person and I am willing to share that with everyone. I just have to smother my cynicism and allow my true love for life and for people to shine.

And get more sleep.

Two Points For Honesty
Guster

If that's all that you will be
Then you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right
Could I get to be like that
How to know what I don't know
Nothing more to gain

Will I get better or stay the same?
I find I always move too slowly
Can't lift a finger
Can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all that you will be
Then you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who already understand
Know they're right
and done it right
Could I get to be like that?
I don't know and I don't know
It's harder everyday

Can't lift a finger
Can't hurt a fly
I find I always move too slowly
One thing's for certain
I'm insecure
I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all that you will be
Then you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all
Nobody cares at all
They never cared at all

*Ayeyiyi*

Gosh, its be a long time since I've wrote anything of substance. I'll hopefully correct that in a few minutes. First, I'm getting ice cream, which is way better than jello though muffins beat both of those. Word.

Mission accomplished........

*mmmmmmmhmmmmmmm*

Yeah, so, anyways, or as a dear friend of mine says- So, what else?

Grhhhhh. I got in a huge fight with my mom today for the stupidest thing in the world; she won't let me cut my hair. How amazingly dumb is that? She lets my brothers cut their hair once a month and pays for the damn things as well. For some random reason today she decided that I couldn't cut MY hair until after MY senior pictures, MY senior pictures. Maybe I don't want my hair long, maybe I want a buzz cut, which I don't, but even if I do, who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own body, with my own hair? God, she pisses me off. I'm grounded from my car for 5 days because I decided that it was unfair for her not to let me get my hair cut. What a bitch.

Anyways, besides me really really disliking my parents, I had a wonderful night last night.

Around 6:00 I went to Sarah's house and hung out with her while I waited for my former cross country coach to come. I love this lady, I see so many wonderful, honorable characteristics in her that I want to have for my self someday. She is really awesome, in the sense of awe, not as in cool, if that makes sense to anyone but me.

After I visited with Coach for a few minutes, I went and picked Erin up and she and I went and got icecream at some coffee place. They had real Italian ice cream and even served it the same way they do. I love Italy and even more Italian ice cream. I digress.... She and I then went to sit next to the river that runs through Glen Rose. I thought it was very interesting that she and I went to the same place that we did last summer, when I told her that things weren't going to work out, very ironic. Anyways, Erin and I talked about stars, one of my personal favorite subjects, and we looked for the big dipper and the north star, neither of which we found. Megan called while we were sitting out there. It made me slightly uncomfortable and I felt guilty, though I have nothing to feel guilty about. I never cheated on her or did her wrong, or at least thats how I percieve it, hopefully she feels the same. Yeah, I had a great time with Erin and hopefully I'll see her soon, though probably not in the next five days *grumble grumble*

I'm a real bitch some times. I need to work on that.

Two songs for you tonight, both from Offsprings' Americana cd. Enjoy.

Have You Ever
Offspring

Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever walked through a room
But it was more like the room passed around you
Like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through

Have you ever been at someplace
Recognizing everybody's face
Until you realized that there was no one there you knew
Well I know

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind
Sleep forever
Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time
Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever buried your face in your hands
Cause no one around you understands
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be

Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach
Well I know

Someday I'll try again and not pretend
This time forever
Someday I'll get it straight but not today
Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind
Sleep forever
Some days, my darkest friend is me again
Have you ever
Someday I'll try again and not pretend
This time forever
Someday I'll get it straight but not today
Have you ever

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to make the world be a better place

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place
I'd like to leave the world as a better place
I'd like to think the world


The Kids Aren't Alright
Offspring

When we were young the future was so bright
The old neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big and not be beat

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

Chances thrown, Nothing's free
Longing for, Used to be
Still it's hard, Hard to see
Fragile lives, Shattered dreams

Jamie had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job
He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD'd and died
What the hell is going on
The cruelest dream, reality

Chances thrown, Nothing's free
Longing for, Used to be
Still it's hard, Hard to see
Fragile lives, Shattered dreams

Chances thrown, Nothing's free
Longing for, Used to be
Still it's hard, Hard to see
Fragile lives, Shattered dreams

Erin, check your e-mail.

Everyone else send me fuzzies and good thoughts, I'm struggling a bit lately. Love all, good bless.

Becca

Ouch...

Guess what I found out today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I most likely have carpal tunnel syndrome in both my arms. I have to wear wrist braces for a week and take anti-inflammtories *sp*. I can't do any arm work outs, play any type of percussion music, take notes or write, though I can type if I don't rest my arms on the desk. Yikes, not so much fun.

Oh, lol, this ISN'T an April fools joke, though I wish it was. This is the April fools joke-

I'm straight HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great day!!!!!!