***God works in mysterious ways.

Its been a long time, a really long time but I just wanted to let you all know that I am alive and well.

Last weekend I spent the night with Vanessa at her dorm. That was after she and Shands came down and rescued me from the evil clutches of work and drudgery. Zack and I went with them and explored the wonders of Joshua; the elementary school playgrounds and the local deranged rich guy's castle. Ok, so the former sounds super cool, and it is, and playgrounds could rock the socks of any drill sergeant *has no idea what I mean by that* but when those are the only two fun things to do in your town, you know its time to, well, sleep.

That wasn't even a sentence, it was just a jumble of words. Sweetness.

Any way, so I ended up spending the night with V and we ended up spending three or four hours just sitting and talking to a large group of TCU kids about sexuality and sex and religion and everything that I love to talk about. It was kicking.

There was this one guy named David who was there. The guy was flaming, but in the best way possible. Very well kept, high pitched voice, feminine gestures; it was obvious that he was gay.

I love using these- ";" - they make me so happy. Even if I use the improperly.

David was amazing. He was exactly who I needed to me. While we were at the playground I had talked about how confused I was about college, about how I didn't think I could go to TCU because I like girls. I needed help and I was answered with a gay boy talking about highschool and college, about the challenges of being true to oneself. It was kicking.

When V and I first walked in to the common room- the place where the awesome conversation took place- I saw David and remembered him. Two months ago, during a drumline competition, the bus stopped at a mall and we had an hour to chill. I spent the majority of the time with Mendy, listening to her spill her heart out about drum major stuff. It made me sick to comfort her, I would have loved to be on the other side, but I was glad to be there and be a true friend. I digress. At one point she and I waited in line for cookies at some place in the food court. Standing in front of us in line was a tall brown haired boy carrying a shopping bag. Two friends approached him and he turned, greeting them in a highpitched voice and hugging them daintly. It was David.

There I was, confused and there David was, not. It was brilliant and perfect and left me with two conclusions-

1) I could live at TCU without huge amazing problems- David did.
2) God is so stinking cool!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a great night.

*enter happy ska dancing music here*

Are You Gonna Be My Girl
JET

Go!!

So 1,2,3, take my hand and come with me
because you look so fine
and i really wanna make you mine.

I say you look so fine
that I really wanna make you mine.

Oh, 4,5,6 c'mon and get your kicks
now you dont need that money
when you look like that, do ya honey.

Big black boots,
long brown hair,
she's so sweet
with her get back stare.

Well I could see,
you home with me,
that you were with another man, yea!
I know we,
ain't got much to say,
before I let you get away, yea!
I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Well, so 1,2,3, take my hand and come with me
because you look so fine
and i really wanna make you mine.

I say you look so fine
that I really wanna make you mine.

Oh, 4,5,6 c'mon and get your kicks
now you dont need that money
with a face like that, do ya.

Big black boots,
long brown hair,
she's so sweet
with her get back stare.

Well I could see,
you home with me,
that you were with another man, yea!
I know we,
ain't got much to say,
before I let you get away, yea!
I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Oh yea. Oh yea. C'mon!
I could see,
you home with me,
that you were with another man, yea!
I know we,
ain't got much to say,
before I let you get away, yea!
Uh, be my girl.
Be my girl.
Are you gonna be my girl?! Yea

Yay for happy ska dancing music *dances*.

So now, a more wonderful boring section of my writing. My annual posting of my birthday and Christmas wants. They are by no means suggestions for anyone who knows me, the lists are simply a way for me figure out what I want, what I dream about, and what I am actually going to be able to get. I mean, come on, there is no way that my parents are going to pay for an airplane or a hightech system that allows me to do anything and everything I want. That would be so kicking.

You know, sometimes you know you've written something amazingly stupid.

Any way, here I go.

Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas!!! lists

DVDs
1) Bruce Almighty
2) A.I.
3) The Emperor's Club
4) Monty Python's Holy Grail, etc.....

CDs
1) Love Actually Soundtrack
2) 3 Doors Down- Away From the Sun
3) Switch Foot- The Beautiful Letdown
4) AFI- Sing the Sorrow
5) Barenaked Ladies- Greatest Hits
6) Blue Man Group- The Complex
7) Blue October- History For Sale
8) Tracy Chapman- Telling Stories
9) Eagle Eye Cherry- Present Future
10) Cold Play- Parachutes
11) Counting Crows- August and Everything After
12) Dashboard Confessional- MTV Unplugged
13) Doves- Last Broadcast
14) Ben Folds Five- The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner
15) Patty Griffin- Flaming Red
16) Guster- Lost and Gone Forever
17) Ben Harper- Diamonds on the Inside
18) Jewel- Pieces of You
19) Jimmy Eat World- Clarity
20) Matchbox 20- More Than You Think You Are
21) Dave Matthews Band- Crash
22) New Radicals- Maybe You've Been Brainwashed To
23) Nine Days- The Maddening Crowd
24) Pink- Mizzunderstood
25) Radiohead- Ok Computer
26) Semisonic- Feeling Strangley Fine
27) Six Pence None the Richer- Six Pence None the Richer
28) Smile Empty Soul- Smile Empty Soul
29) Jill Sobule- Jill Sobule
30) The Wallflowers- Red Letter Days
31) White Strips- Elephant

Misc.
1) iPod MP3 player for Windows
a) iPod Dock
b) firewire cable
c) FM adapter
d) docking station cable
e) power outlet
f) extension piece
g) iPod Music Store Gift Certificate/Allowance thingie

~~~~DON'T FORGET THAT I'M ALLOWED TO DREAM!!!!!!!~~~~

***Disclaimer- This is going to take a hella long time to read. Take your time, drink lots of fluids and don't wait up to late for me, I'm gone for the night.

*RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Yay for Monty Python.

So, I've been thinking about the college stuff a lot and I'm not sure that I know what I'm doing. Am I just trying to *ahem* run away from all of my problems? It just seems like my life in Joshua has been consumed with so much hurt and pain; I deserve to be done with it some time.... right? Or, I guess coming from a Unity standpoint, whenever I decide that I'm over it. Its hard though.

Right now I'm down to just a few colleges. They're in New York, Mass. (can't spell it *teehee*) and California. So, so far away from everything I know. I've never even been to those states, I might as well be going to another country!

I don't want to lose the friends that I have. If I go to college in one of those states I'll get to see my Texas friends and family two, mayb three times a year. Shands and Vanessa and Mayra and everyone........ I don't want to lose them just so I can go to a really good college. Does that make sense? Am I just having doubts?

Mayra is playing more of a part in this then I thought she would. I care about her an amazing amount. I've never connected with anyone on this level before. She's going to TCU next year........... should I? Vanessa is too and Shands and Analise are going to be right down the road in Austin. When I'm in college I can take a road trip whenever I want, but not a four day road trip. Is it worth loosing my friendships?

My parents seem to disaprove of this so much. They want me close to home, they want me at TCU. I don't like not being what they want me to be. I'm already a huge disappointment in one huge area- sexuality- I don't want to hurt them again.

I need to do what is best for me, but I don't know what is best for me. I can't think what to do. I want out but I want everyone to come with me. I want to be free but I can't be free without the people who freed me. I don't want to lose Shands. I don't want to lose Vanessa. I don't want to lose my YOU chapter and my YOU friends. I don't want to lose Mayra.

I don't want to lose Zack. I love him so much.

I don't know what to do..............

Headphones
Rebecca Williams

I walk down these halls alone
As I walk I weave through the crowd
My headphones on, hugging myself
The don't see me, or they don't want to
I don't want them to
Not past the headphones
Not past the rally shirts and the made up smiles
I sit in my classes alone
As I tilt my head to see around theirs
My headphones on, hugging myself
They don't know me, or they don't want to
I don't want them to
Not past the headphones
Not past the funny jokes and the thankful goodbyes
I want all or nothing
I want to be free
To be free to fly and free to soar
They hold my freedom
But only because I let them
No lying anymore
Full weight out
Out to truth
Out to freedom

Ouch

I went to the chiropractor today. I had 6 dislocated ribs as well as having my neck and sholder out of alignment. Yay for landing funny during soccer practice.

*Eep* It hurts....

Love

I've never quite understood why people thought hate would do any good. Two wrongs don't make a right. It truly saddens me to read stuff like this. If you feel like doing the world a favor today, take two minutes, read the article and sign the petition. This isn't some bullshit survey thing, this is something important. Thanks a million-

"Dark cannot drive out dark, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive
out hate, only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr.

Senior year is just a whole bunch of endings. Its just a lot of finalizations. The last first day of school, last band contest, last football game, last race, last pep rally, last time, last moment, last chance. Its hard to believe. Next year I'll be done with all of this, away, far far away and being in college, taking classes, living in a dorm. Its exciting and saddening at the same time.

I ran at the district cross country meet yesterday. I did really well individually, honestly, it was the hardest I had ever pushed myself. Stephenville is a really hard course, lots of little hills and a huge hill about a half mile before the end. That and the fact that half of the race is on CONCRETE *!!!!!!grrrrrrr!!!!!!* made it a super difficult run. The only thing that I could think of when I was running was that I didn't want it to be the last race.

Running has always been such a release for me. You can't think while you're running, its really just not possible. The rhythm of the feet and the movement of the body keep the mind in a constant pattern of words. The words can't really connect, they can't form sentences, they are only left as a fragmentation, a mere outline of possibilities. It keeps me from delving to deep, from going insane with all of the ideas and thoughts that cascade in my mind. It gives me a much needed break.

So I ran, the girls ran, my team ran, everyone ran. I came in twentieth. I ran really well. My team came in second. The top three teams advance to regionals. It wasn't my last race.

The next race is in Lubbock, which is a good six hour drive away. We're leaving next Friday super early in the morning or Thursday after school. I'm going to miss the last football game and my senior pep rally. Knowing that made last night really hard for me. It was the last home game, my last game ever, and I hadn't even begun to prepare.

At half time my section forgot everything I had ever taught them. They forgot half of the equipment, forgot how to behave, forgot everything that we did during the entire year. It was so frusterating, not only because they know what to do but also it felt that I had been in marching band for five years and left nothing. All of the wisdom that I had tried to share, all of the love and the effort that I had put forth had amounted to nothing; they didn't understand.

They announced my name and my parents walked me out. I got a pretty flower and for the last time I played the fight song on a borrowed snare drum. The pit and I moved all of the equipment over to where it needed to be and I sent them to the stands. I stood and cried.

I felt really bad until Calvin, a guy from the drum line, came and talked to me. Calvin is just an amazing guy. He told me that he understood, that he loves it and that he gets as frusterated with it all as I do. He told me that I made a difference and that he listened when I talked. It made sense to him. I could have kissed the boy.

I know that I've changed and that I've changed the world around me. I know that I've made a difference and I am thankful for the chance to do so.

End