Cars

Sometimes I'm driving around in my car and I realize the actual power I have in my hands. I hold in my hands the choice of life and death, perfection in destruction and normality.

I think it started when I was riding with Ben years ago. I was always afraid that he would steer just a little to far to the right on bridges and that I would be impaled along those dangerous side barriers. Cut in half, perfect symmetry.

I drive now, with my brother in the passenger seat. Everyday, driving past mail boxes, dogs, people, bikes, cars, I can see the accident in my head, played out in there, perfect in every aspect.

I can see the blood, the bodies, the car smashed up into pieces. I can feel it, smell it, sense it with every bone in my body, perfectly portraying every moment.

But only for a second, for a brief flash of everything. Then its gone again.

It doesn't really scare me, I just know its there. I don't know what it means and I don't really care. Its there, its been there for quite some time. I don't think its going away.

Sometimes I'm tempted to just veer off the side of the road, to just die. I've always had a strange fascination with death, suicide in particular. I can't tell you the number of times I've stood at a ledge and looked down, wondering what it would feel like to jump. I know ten ways to commit the perfect suicide, if there is such a thing.

I don't know why I know them, I just do. Things like that just pop into my head.

Death is just another step on the path.

No worries my friends, no worries.

Who's Got My Back?

Sometimes it feels like some of the most important people in my life support me the least. Its hard having a position of power, whatever that power may be, whether it is one of authority or one of spirituality. I know that I am doing an excellent job in all leadership positions that I have; I have made it my intention to do so. I don't feel as if many people at school actually care that I'm in charge of the front ensemble. Well, I think they care that they have MY leadership skills, but they don't care that its ME. It could be anyone else and they would be just as happy. I work best when I feel appreciated and I'm having to appreciate myself alot lately. In YOU its a different story. It seems like the majority of the group is happy and glad to have me but that my closest friends don't support me at all. It feels like they are being overcritical just because they know me better and its not constructive critisim, its the kind where they have angry feelings towards me and don't tell me and then I find out through a third source. Its very frusterating to know people that I value to the utmost degree are picking my bones dry. Yay for run on sentences.

Yeah, if I don't write you personally or if I don't write on here, its because I'm busy with life.

I live a lot.

Feel Free.

So Yeah.....

...... I am actually alive, I just haven't written in a while. I needed the break, plus I couldn't really write while I was at Conference and the planning session. Yay for not being at home.

I HAVE CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a reminder.

Anyway, I had a great, though very emotionaly, time at conference. I connected with a lot of people not from my region, one in particular. Stasha is this girl who was in my family group at conference (Peace Be Still) last year and at that time I became amazingly attracted to her. So then Peace Be Still ended, I didn't talk to her for a year, and then we both ended up coming to conference again. She and I connected really well once again and we began hanging out. Finally, one night about halfway through the rally, I admitted that I had a crush on her last year and she said that she had one on me as well. We spent the rest of the rally just being silly and enjoying each others presence. It was really nice to hold someone and not have to worry about the complications or to have to analyze their feelings. She and I were simply being and it was great. She lives in California, so I won't be seeing her for another year. *Sighs* I enjoyed being around her a lot but its no biggie and I know she feels the same way. We talked about it.

The planning session with Bruce, Lisa, Shands, Katrina and Eric was wonderful. And though at times we had those akward *we're-unsure-what-to-do-because-we're-disagreeing* moments we all came out of it bright, shinning and even more connected than before. I connected a whole lot with Katrina. I cannot even begin to tell you how greatful I am to have her in my life. She is amazingly kind and thoughtful. She always asks how I'm doing and she really means it when she asks. She is always mindful of my wrists and always treats me like one of her gymnastics kids. "You're just so fast. How did you get so fast, hmmm?" Lol. She is an absolute angel. I love her so much and I'm really excited because she and I start planning our family group/workshop that we're going to do at rally. She and I get to do it together *giggles*.

Yes, we do have a theme for rally. *MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA* Yeah, I'm not telling.

Band is coming along decently. I'm having a hard time not being on the battery line and not being drum major. I was offered both those things by the directors and I turned them down for a chance to run for regi. Now I'm a regi and I miss both of them terribly. I was thinking about it today and I can tell you that I know I made the right choice and not only because I believe in Divine Order. I know that I am supposed to be regi and I would not change that for the world. I do, however, desperatly miss playing a snare drum instead of a marimba. I am sad that I will never direct a band with that fiery passion that lives so deep in each of my cells. I would be so good at it. I love it so much, the movement, the emotion that goes into it. Its like making the energy in the air vibrate with excitement and yet by only flalling my arms about. I miss it and I will honestly say that I feel jealous of Mendy and Tiffany sometimes. More of Tiffany than of Mendy. Mendy would have gotten it regardless of whether or not I tried out. That sounds really conceded but I have good cause to be so. The directors offered me the job, even asked me just to try out. I would have been amazing.

I have choice.

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

I can choose to be jealous and pouty through the entire rest of the year or I can get over it, accept it and love it.

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

Choice is such a powerful curse and a wonderful blessing. Sometimes I wish I was ignorant of its possiblities.

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All The Way

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

That didn't make sense but guess what, I didn't want it to!!!!!!!!!

CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE.

Word. Much Love. Feel Free and Good Bless.

Yo.