The Mount Holyoke Coach wrote!!!!!!!!!!! She thinks I'm wonderful!!!!!!!! She thinks I'm aggressive and impressive!!!!!!! She wants me to play for her next year and she's put me at the top of her list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's going to put a few good words in at the Tuition Exchange place as well as the Admissions place!!!!!!!!!!!!

This might all just work out...........

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have much to say, I just feel like I should be writing........

We won the game Friday night 1-0. It didn't have to go into shoot outs, which is a good thing. We've gone into shoot outs so many times that it looks like we have nothing but defense on our team and that the only way we can win is to let me tackle people. Totally untrue. We're developing skills I never though we had. It's wonderful.

At the band competitions this weekend we did fairly well. I'll be making my annual trip down to Austin for Solo and Ensemble again. Not sure what week that will be, though I will be down there. We also placed 2nd at NTCA, which is wonderful. We wanted 1st of course but we screwed the third movement so thats what we get. It happens sometimes and I just know that we'll win at Championships.

I need to tell Matt, Saska and Jenn that I'll be in Houston in a couple weeks........ That might be important. I would really love to see them. I miss them. I should have kept in better touch with them..........

K.C. is wonderful. She is amazing. I wish she was more a part of my life......... I wish I could bring her home to meet my family, as *fun* as that would be. I want her to hang out with Shands and giggle with Vanessa. I want us to live outside of her house, outside of her bedroom..........

And it will come, I know that it will. Shands just needs to get himself ungrounded lol. I can't wait to introduce her to everyone and anyone. She is glorious.

I'm getting closer to the drumline all of the time; it is slightly awkward, but in a really great way. I never thought that I could actually have friends in that group, not after all the shit that went down my Junior year. I am so grateful to have a second chance with them. They're a lot of fun, especially Calvin. He and I always have a blast.

Yay for TAKS!!!!!!!! *Teehee* It's more like, "Yay for TAAS!!!!" *Muahahahahaha* I'm at home right now because I got to take the TAAS test and not the stupid TAKS. Yay for being a Senior.

Everything is moving, but only just. It feels as if life is creeping along, like a bug atop stagnant water. Life feels stagnant except when I'm with her. Then everything else can disappear and not matter. I don't have to think about school, about life when I'm in her arms because I'm there for her. Because that is all that can exist in those moments. I'm caught up in her eyes, her lips, her touch. I'm safe and relaxed. I'm free.

I Can Love You Like That
All-4-One

They read you Cinderella
You hoped it would come true
That one day your prince charming would come rescue you
You like romantic movies
And you never will forget
The way it felt when Romeo kissed Juliet
And all this time that you've been waiting
You don't have to wait no more

I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I would give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
If you give me a chance, I can love you like that

I never make a promise
I don't intend to keep
So when I say forever
Forever's what I mean
I’m no casanova
But I swear this much is true,
I’ll be holding nothing back
When it comes to you
You dream of love that's everlasting
Well baby open up your eyes...

I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I would give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
If you give me a chance, I can love you like that

If you want tenderness
I’ve got tenderness
And I see through to the heart of you
If you want a man
Who will understand
You don't have to look very far

I can love you, girl I can (I can love you love you)
Oh baby oh...
I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I would give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
I can love you like that
I can make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I would give you my heart
My heart my heart my world
Show you you're everything (you're everything to me)
Love you like that
I can make you my world
Move heaven and earth if you were my girl
I would give you my heart
My heart my heart my world
Show you you're everything

There is just too much going on, to many thoughts, to many things that I need to do. I'm tired of dealing with people. I'm tired of dealing with my mom, with Josh, with everyone who needs just a little bit more of me. ARGH.

I'm sick, physically sick and everything that keeps falling on my head is starting to make me feel even worse, except for physiologically.

What if I don't get into Mount Holyoke? What about the Tuition Exchange? Even after the Tuition Exchange I'm going to be accountable for $40,000 dollars!!!! My parents just keep reminding me of that and my mom won't stop whining to me about everything my brother and I do.

I'm not a good friend, I'm not a good person, I'm just an asshole. You know what? Screw that. I'm doing the best I can and if you don't like it, you don't have to hang out with me. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying that I can't do better right now.

I'm going to miss a soccer game which might suspend me from playing in the only play off game that my team has ever been involved in. I'm going to miss the game because I'm going to be in Denver planning Bi-Regi with the rest of the South and Central Teams. I can't change it, I can't work around it, I already fucking tried. There are no options, there is no second chance. I have to put YOU first and I know it.

If I end up not getting what I need to go into Mount Holyoke or Bard I'm going into Americorps instead. I'm not going to TCU. I'm not going through the whole Joshua High School shit again.

I am so angry at Josh right now I could punch him in the face. I want to actually which kind of scares me because I don't think I am usually a violent person.

There is just too much going on.

I have band UIL Solo and Ensemble this weekend as well as another competition later that day.

We have to beat Southwest tomorrow night to make it into playoffs that I might not get to play in and my mom is threatening to not let me play because I'm sick.

I'm so worried about college and soccer and YOU that I think it's making me worse.

I know I should just release this to god, to energy, to Self. I'm going to try to.

It’s hard to breathe now. Its hard to not feel this tightness in my chest, this overwhelming need to curl up in a tight little ball and gasp for a moment of solace.

The only thing I have going for me right now is K.C. She's wonderful. She's amazing. The only person that’s really been able to help me just be has been her. She is everything that I've been looking for and I'm not even kidding. She is intelligent, she can communicate effectively and she is beautiful. She makes me melt.

Lol, yeah, I know that communicate effectively bit sounds awkward, but I think that’s the best part. That is what I have been missing since Analise, in every one of my relationships. I finally have found a relationship based upon mutual respect, on equality. I'm not better than her and she isn't better than me. We recognize each other as people, as equals. That hasn't happened before. Either they were way better than I was or it was the opposite. It is quite nice.

Yikes. I don't know. I'll live through this, I'll be fine. I just wish that I could be ok with it right now. And I can.

I have choice.

I love being involved, I just hate being involved......

I've overloaded my plate once again with extra helpings of band, drumline, soccer, YOU, NHS and everything else...........





I better start eating.

*GRRHRRHRHRHRHRHHHHHHHHH*

The little bastard. I almost don't know what to do anymore. Each time I think we're growing closer, each time I think that I can stand the sight of his face, he puts that little smug smile on, screws over one of my friends, lies about who he is and smacks me in the face with his fucking facade.

Damn little bastard.

That stupid fucking boy!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGH!

He's such a fake, a little liar, a little genius that manipulates everyone else to get his fucking way. And when he can't, he backs down. When he can't, he lets his tail go between his legs like the beaten, pathetic little puppy dog that he is.

No one else sees it. No one else knows. "He's such a good Christian boy. He gets such good grades at school."

Fucking lies.

Damn bastard.

You fucking hypocrite , you bigot. You aren't going any where but down. You aren't doing anyone any good.

Be your self you little fuck. Screw your parents, screw "God", screw society. Stop being such a little fuck and make yourself.

Define yourself.

You have that choice, you have that control of your life. Don't let them live it for you, don't let them tell you who you are, what you should be. Be true to yourself.

You're not saving yourself by pretending. If the God you "believe" in is real, if he sits in heaven waiting to judge us and send us to hell, then he knows and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing.

And if what you "believe" is true, well, I'll be there.

I'll be there waiting for you.

Phoenix
RCW

A Phoenix in the dust
Rising up again
It’s perpetual rebirth
Wearing itself thin

Its life a continuous process
Of fucking over friends
And upon each existence
He does it, again and again

The bastard of the Father
The Son and the Holy Ghost
Beaten, bruised and left alone
By the few who should love the most

Led astray by the Truth
To lead those about him the same
Using lies, falsity and hate
To play his own sick game

This lying, this forgiveness,
This eternal love based in fear,
Beginning every morning,
Ending each night in tears

Waking to shake the ashes off
To ignore the voice within
Rising with no lesson learned
To begin, again, in sin.

Yay for Poetry

Yay for the introduction of new people to my life who introduce me to new poetry....

Tonight I Can Write
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, `The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

When...

When I was young, I used to stand in front of the mirror in my room, looking at my face, pulling my hair back and pretending I was a knight. I thought that I would be a pretty cute knight, perhaps a handsome boy. I thought that I may be able to rescue damsels, to save villages from dragons. I thought perhaps, that I was in the wrong shoes......

Now I look in the mirror, at my shapely body, and I wonder what could have been. What if I had been that knight, that dazzling boy with a dazzling smile? Would I be able to not only rescue those damsels, but to hold them in my arms? You see, I rescue one a day, I help them with their problems, with their sorrows, with their questions. And then, then I see them run off to their boys, to their "knights" who treat them poorly, without respect, without care. Who only think of what is on the outside, only of their body. Damn, damn boys.

What A Good Boy
Barenaked Ladies

When I was born, they looked at me and said,
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
"What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl."

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right,
so instead I looked in the mirror,
watched TV, laid away all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...

This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;
"What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey"