becoming something
RCW

It seemed as if there was hope once.
I had hoped that these thoughts would
at sometime become something, someone,
an Us.
The words tumbled out of my mouth
Let go, let go, let go.
Hoping and praying as they came out
that you would deny them, smite them,
send them flying away from us and out,
away from my thoughts and
banishing my nightmares.

Before those words, it seemed as if there
was something to work towards,
a possibility of something, someone,
of Us.
I could imagine it, hold it in my mind
roll around thoughts of waking up next to
you.
Of having that feeling everyday.
It was a goal to work towards, a problem to be solved
or, as you would say, a situation to be explored.

My thoughts, my nightmares, my dreams
all of them (or at least most) revolved around
something becoming something, becoming someone,
becoming Us.
You were there every night as I slept,
some specter of you found its way into my dreams.
You were there but absent, real but beyond reach,
every night, you were there, whether I wanted you
there or not (though, most nights, I assure you I did)

Those words came out, tumbling, stumbling
off of my tongue, through my teeth and out of my mouth,
silently, stupidly, defensively destroying the possibility
of something turning into someone, into something,
into Us.
‘I’ve been thinking about a lot of the same things.
I think you’re right.’
Let go. let go. let go.
Silently, stupidly, defensively I say goodbye,
while thoughts, nightmares and dreams remain,
your specter finding me while I sleep.
You were there, I felt you.
And though you are not gone,
it still seemed
as if there
was
hope.
once.

The new background to my computer. Thanks for the prayer suggestion Steph.

This isn't directed at any of you. Don't take this personally.

FUCK. FUCK IT ALL. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL OF THIS. THIS IS BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT. GODDAMMIT. DAMNIT. WHATEVER. FUCK. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BEING TRUE WITH OUR FEELINGS. NOW YOU'RE DENYING YOURS AND ASKING ME TO DENY MINE. BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Thank you for listening. Have a nice day.

Last summer....

...when I met Rose, she was in the process of ending a relationship with a boy. She mentioned that Burn, by Usher, reminded her of the situation. Last semester I bought the cd because it reminded me of Rose. I told Rose last night that I'm in love with her. Now, at times, the song reminds me of our situation.

Burn
Usher

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you Alexis
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to
Let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know what we've been through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn


Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
And all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my boo-o
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down
and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

What are you doing about the silence?

In the last week....

I've done a lot of really fun, amazing things, gotten a lot of work done, seen Rose for the first time in eight months, rode on a bus for 12 hours, jogged twice (yay for being healthy), and broken up with Jacqi (believe it or not, seeing Rose and breaking up with Jacqi are completely unrelated incidents, though I broke up with Jacqi after I saw Rose). I've also listened to a LOT of Ben Harper and a LOT of Ani DiFranco. Yay for them, they make me happy.

Conference family group is almost finished... YAY!!!!!! I probably have two more hours of work to put into it. I contacted Towanda from the Chamber of Commerce in the town where Conference is going to be and she said she would send me a list of organizations that I.Y.O.U. could possibly work with. As soon as I finish the family group material, all I'll have left to do is the Service project; I finished everything else earlier this week. Yay.

Rose is coming to visit me in May sometime. It should be great! I can't wait for her to come and meet everyone and see campus and snuggle with me. Holding her is bliss personified. I'm not being cheesy. I mean it. When I'm around her I feel safe and loved, taken care of and supported. I try to be the same for her and I think that I'm successful. What else could I need? It's truly wonderful. Oh... and the collage below is the background of my computer. Sometimes I take a break from formatting or writing or whatever just to close all my programs and look at her smiling with me. I feel really blessed to have her in my life.

Hmmmmm...... I should call Rose. I will in a little bit. For now, I'm off to write a paper for a class on Monday--three more pages!!!!!!!! Woohooo.

*Listens to Ani and begins to write.*

Rose and Becca in collage form. Yay.

Rose and I in her living room in Virginia Beach