I'm hurting.

I wake up every morning having dreamed of her, feeling this emptiness in my chest. Putting my hand there, holding a pillow against me does nothing but avert the pain to the moment I become fully conscious. At that moment I realize how alone I am and fragments of the dreams, feelings from the dreams, come washing over me and I lay in my bed by myself and feel alone, lonely and sick. I want to talk to her, to call her and tell her how I feel and have her stop it. I want her to stop this. But I know she won't, and she can't. So I won't call, I won't do that to her again. But I hurt. And I miss her.

My Freshman Year Is Over.

Wow. This year has been a whirlwind of emotional, physical and spiritual experience. Tonight is my last night at Bard until July 31st. Two months.... Hmmmm, that doesn't sound so long.

I'm waiting for a load of clothes to dry so that I can finish packing. There are around six or eight (seven isn't a possibility lol) sitting outside of my room in the hall. The walls of my room are white, a state that has not occurred since the first day of classes. It's been eight months and I'm a completely different person.

The thought of going HOME is overwhelming. I can't wait to see my family, to see my friends, to sleep in my bed in my house and have everything be mine, for everything to be familiar and old and mine. At the same time, I don't want to go home to TEXAS. I was talking to Rose earlier today (we're doing quite better by the way) about the fact that since I've come to Bard I've found a new confidence in myself. At Bard it is perfectly one hundred percent ok-- some believe it's even great!-- to be a lesbian. Before I came here, I couldn't even say the word lesbian. I'm going back to a place where I felt restricted, silenced and alone. With my newfound confidence, my newfound sense of self, what will I do? I don't think that I'll allow myself take a step back towards the closet (I was out in high school, so I haven't been fully in the closet in a long time). I might avoid the topic though, depending on who I talk to. I might decide not to. I think I'm going to decide not to. Fuck prejudice. I'll give a face to their prejudice and disband it, invalidate it. Still a little scary though, to go back to that.

So, I mentioned that Rose and I are doing better. We are. She came and visited and for the first time in our relationship, she and I were together without physical restriction. I held her, kissed her, loved her. I had to hold part of me back, to know that it wouldn't continue after she left, but it was ok and it is now. I miss her, I miss her body (in fact I have slept in my room only twice since she left over a week ago), I miss her voice, I miss her touch, I miss her. I love her; that hasn't changed. However, I realize now that what I was doing was pushing her away from me. For the first time, I realized that I had ceased to be a positive thing in her life; I was taking way more energy than I was giving. I'm working on that now. I want to be as good for her as she is for me. And she's very, very good for me. So I'm working on that. I still miss her, it still hurts at times, but I have to have her in my life, I can't push her away like that any more. I love her too much.

So, wow, freshman year. Over. Wow. It is truly a mind job. I feel very emotional. It's intense. Hit a wall, a brick wall, intense. Intense feeling. Hard to explain it better than that. I'll try eventually, later I guess. I have to keep packing and stuff. Seeing friends that I won't see for a few months. Busy months. Any way. Much love yo.

P.S. I'll be back in Joshua on Thursday evening. I'll spend that evening and the next day at home. Saturday my family is celebrating my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. Sunday, I will be at church. I will hang out with you all then. *HUGS*.

I'm having a little bit...

...of a hard time right now. I found out thirty minutes ago that my dad didn't get the job in Richmond. Also, earlier today, Rose made it very clear that she is in love with Chris and is going to continue to be in a relationship with him. They're probably going to move in together after August.

To grossly understate my current state, I feel overwhelmed. I have to write a 10 page paper by Friday. The paper is an ethnography on violence and suffering within the Queer community and I interviewed six of my close friends. It's hard to listen to their voices on the tapes describing high school and middle school. It's hard to try and make some kind of formula, some kind of mold for their experiences to fit in. They're so individual and painful and yet so much the same.

Rose is going to be here, visiting me, on Friday night. She's staying until Tuesday. I almost don't want her to come. I love her, beyond being 'in love', and I want her to be a part of my life for as long as I have one, I just feel like I need a little recouping time. It's really hard to know what to do with my emotions; they are so strong and powerful. I'm hurting in a very real way. I feel raw with emotion.

I also feel very alone. I know that I have people who love me and who support me but I want a body, something real, right here, someone to hold me and to let me hold them. There are so many possiblities and so little for me to do about them. I feel helpless, helpless and alone.

I haven't talked to Rose since my dad called; she's not home yet. I'm not sure what she's going to say. Moving to Richmond was our hope, or at least it was when I was visiting her in Virginia Beach. I feel like the only chance I'm going to have to be with her would be to live near her, to have something physical (as in seeing each other on a day to day basis), something real instead of lonely conversations over the phone. I miss her so much. The last few weeks have just been sad, angry and confused between us. It's so hard to know what to do with these strong feelings. I want to feel loved, I want to feel wanted, I want to be held and safe in someone's arms. Rose's arms. I always feel so safe around her. And loved. Safe and loved.