Alpha-Omega

1. Hi I’m blank; If I had a purple hippopotamus I would….

2. Frog song, My roots go down.

3. Everything You Want
Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

4. Mediation- ask Shands to do meditation about dancing in a ball room, seeing the mirror, taking off the mask.

5. Poems, Paintbrush pg 153, Please hear what I’m saying pg 187.

6. Discussion on “paint” and “masks”.
• Do you act the same way everywhere you go? Or do you change when you’re around different people?
• Think about your mask, what does it have on it?
• What do you want to take away?
• What do you like about yourself?
• What makes you you?

7. How to find your inner self.

8. Humble thy self.

9. Closing prayer.

Rose and Becca, Conference 2004

I'm Off

Wild1from666: so when are you off for college?
dabopgk: 9 days
Wild1from666: wow...I bet many things are running through your head right now
dabopgk: a millioin
Wild1from666: lol new word time
dabopgk: lol, million. see, i'm so distracted by the thoughts that i can't spell!

I'm feeling so emotional today.......... I'm leaving in nine days..... in nine days I'll be flying with my daddy, away from home, my friends to a place where I know no one. My wrists hurt like a mo-fo and I've been amazingly dizzy today, everytime I stand up, regardless of the fact that I've eaten protien filled food all day. My cat keeps laying on my wrists as I try to type and I miss Rose in an unbelievable way. People need my attention, they want it, demand it. I need to fix their problems, listen to their stories, listen to how horrible I've been. I'm sorry, I can't right now. My head is throbbing and I can't be responsible for all of you, and I mean all of you. God damn........ there are to many of you, not enough of me. All of them girls, ha! What does that tell you about me?

I miss Rose. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and it only made me miss her more. Don't get me wrong, I want her to call again, right now in fact, *pauses for ten seconds in hopes that my wishing worked..................* I wish I could kiss her instead of just dreaming about it.

So, I should be ok with that. I am ok with that. I know that Rose and I will get our chance and until then I am content and happy to have her as a spiritual partner. Sarlat will come later.

I feel better now, still exhausted though, which is silly seeing as I got 12 hours of sleep last night, more than I have in weeks. I've wanted to sleep all day. I could go to sleep right now and its 6:30!!! Geez.... crazy body........


I still miss Rose.


Not Enough
Three Doors Down

Seven days underpaid
Gotta give it up
Got no time for this life that
I’m livin’ up
Shackled down, kicked around,
Now slave to the grind
Need some time for myself

I’ll give you anything that you want me to
If you don’t have the time so
I’ll get up with you
If you don’t understand man
You’ve got to believe
There is too much of you but
There is not enough of me
There is not enough of me

Same old song world moves
On while I’m still in bed
Need tomorrow today just to
Get ahead
Jump the gun on the run,
Am I the only one
Who thinks that
I’m fallin’ behind?

I’ll give you anything that
You want me to
But I don’t have the time
So I’ll get up with you
If you don’t understand
Man you’ve got to believe
There is too much of you
But there is not enough of me
There is not enough of me

I’ll give you anything that you want me to
But I don’t have the time so I’ll
Get up with you
If you don’t understand man
You’ve got to believe
There is too much of you there
Is too much of me

I’ll give you anything that you want me to
But I don’t have the time so I’ll
Get up with you
If you don’t understand man
You’ve got to believe
There is too much of you but there
Is not enough of me

New Stuff

If you check out my description next to my picture, you'll find two new, or slightly used *smiles*, sites that I've been working on. The poetry one is a compilation of my poems from as early as sophomore year to as late as last Friday night. The musican one is a site that I'm doing with two really awesome friends of mine- Danielle and Celeen. Basically we're writing about songs, analyzing them and sharing them with the world. I posted for the first time today and really enjoyed it. So yeah, check that stuff out yo.

Rose left to go to this camp where she's a counselor a few days ago and I've really been missing her. She called me today and we talked for a few minutes. It was wonderful.

Oh, I talked to my roommate today!!! Here name is Katy and she seems really awesome! She plays soccer, is a percussionist, is very artistic and really nice. AND she doesn't hate me. No attacking with sticks. I'm very excited and now a large part of my anxiety about school is gone. Its great.

Anyway, check out those new sites. They rock. Hasta.

Overwhelmed
RCW
 
Voices in letters, violence in print
Ink of accusation, digitally spent
Lack of support, confusion in love
No guidance, no, none from above
 
Purpose created, intentions lost
Ego demanding, all at a cost
Questions arising, no answer here
Clarity absent, no, nothing is clear
 
Where do we go, what do we do?
Leave it alone or follow through?
Give it a chance or let it die?
Hello again or simply goodbye?
 
Resolution is needed, demanded by some
Depending on all, depending on one
Imbalance apparent, no scales to be found
Decided for yourself, bound or unbound
 
Limit your moments, shorten your days
Go through the motions, live through your plays
Intentions lost, all digitally spent
The time has come, gone and went
 
Where do we go, what do we do?
Leave it alone or follow through?
Give it a chance or let it die?
Hello again or simply goodbye?
 
Hello again or simply goodbye?

Enter Without So Much As Knocking
Bruce Dawe
 
 
Momento, homo, quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris.....
(Remember man, from dust you came and to dust you shall return)
 
Blink, blink, HOSPITAL, SILENCE.
 
Ten days old, carried in the front door in his
mothers arms, first thing he heard was
Bobby Dazzler on Channel 7:
Hello, hello, hello all you lucky people and he
really was lucky because it didn't mean a thing
to him then....
 
A year or two to settle in and
get acquainted with the set-up; like every other
well-equipped smoothly-run household, his included
one economy-sized Mum, one Anthony Squires-
Coolstream-summerweight Dad, along with two other kids
straight off the Junior Department rack.
 
When mum won the
Lucks-A-Fortch Tricky-Tune Quiz, she took him shopping
in the good-as-new station-wagon ($495 dep at Renos).
Beep, beep. WALK, DONT WALK, TURN
LEFT, NO PARKING, WAIT HERE, NO
SMOKING, KEEP CLEAR/OUT/OFF GRASS, NO
BREATHING EXCEPT BY ORDER, BEWARE OF
THIS, WATCH OUT FOR THAT, My God (beep)
the conjestion here just gets (beep)
worse every day, now what the (beep beep) does
that idiot think hes doing (beep beep and BEEP)
 
However, what he enjoyed most of all was when they
went to the late show at the local drive-in, on a clear night
and he could see (beyond the fifty-foot screen where
giant faces forever snarled screamed or made
incomprehensible and monstrous love) a pure
unadulterated fringe of sky, littered with stars
no-one had got around to fixing up yet; He'd watch them
circling about in luminous groups like kids at the circus
who never go quite close enough to the elephant to get kicked.
 
Anyway, pretty soon he was old enough to be
realistic like every other godless
money-hungry back-stabbing miserable
so-and-so, and then it was goodbye stars and the soft
cry in the corner when no-one was looking because
I'm telling you straight, Jim, its Number One every time
for this chicken, hit wherever you see a head and
kick whoevers down, well thanks for a lovely
evening Clare, its good to get away from it all
once in a while, I mean its a real battle all the way
and a man cant help but feel a little soiled, himself,
at times, you know what I mean?
 
Now take it easy
on those curves, Alice, for Gods sake;
I've had enough for one night, with that Clare Jessup,
hey, ease up, will you, Watch it--
 
Probity & Sons Morticians,
did a really first-class job on his face
(everyone was very pleased) even adding
a healthy tan he'd never had, living, gave him back for keeps
the old automatic smile with nothing behind it,
winding the whole show up with a
nice ride out to the underground metropolis:
permanent residentials, no parking tickets, no taximeters
ticking, no Bobby Dazzlers here, no down payments,
nobody grieving over halitosis
flat feet shrinking gums falling hair,
 
six feet down nobody interested
 
Blink, blink, CEMETERY, Silence.

Self
 
It is a confusing state of mind, to be true to yourself that is.  Not when you're actually doing it, but when trying.  I guess thats simply it.  Just be true to yourself and there are no worries.  Except when you're trying to be true to someone else as well. 

Serve soul and spirit.  Self and self. 

Sometimes you just don't want to.

I.  Sometimes I don't want to.

Oh, and the entry before, ignore the egotism, look at the message. 

I Am A Catalyst

Change seems to happen in a flurry around me. All of the people, the girls, that I've come into contact with seem to have such issues with me, both negative and positive. My relationships foster expansion, however large or small my involvement is. Think about it.

I'm not attempting to take claim for others paths or say that everything is because of me. I'm saying, like many others, I change lives. Think about all of the girls who never had been attracted to the same sex before, the ones who had never heard of Unity, the ones who have never had acceptance. The ones who had never felt love.

No wonder all of these people have issues with me; change is hectic, hard, challenging. Unless you just let it be, like Rose has. No wonder people are mad at me, confused at what I've done. I am a catalyst.

The Relativity of Time

It feels like it has been a month and yet I feel as if my parents have just left. In reality, I'm somewhere in between the two. Still, an immense amount of life has passed without enough time to truly fit it all in. It has been interesting.

Conference was amazing. I had a very challenging, uplifting, emotional time. In other words, it was great. I met a soul mate there. Her name is Rose. She makes me very happy.

Oh, Yeah...... I also was elected to the office of International President of Service of the International Youth Of Unity. Very exciting.

I'm still pretty exhausted from the whole process so I'm going to cut this entry a little short. Instead, enjoy an essay my big bro sent me when I was going through the whole college search thing. Its fun!

College Admissions Essay



This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The
author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR
COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER,
WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE
HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT
HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know
the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Six Hours, Thirty Nine Minutes

I'm talking to you on the phone right now. You say that you're rambling....... I say that you're enchanting. The way that you take my imagination and show me exactly what you're thinking. You help me see the things that are important to you. You're laughing, talking about summer, fall, baseball....... Stretching the moments, holding on to the feeling, the wonder.

You're thought process is so interesting. I truly enjoy it.

Dilly Dally..... I think thats how you spell it lol. That sounds like fun.

You truly amaze me.........

Bruce's e-mail if you want it-> scyou@sbcglobal.net

I am so blessed to have gotten to know you as well.

Yay for Fat Albert.

My journal http://singsofpassion.blogspot.com


Vindicated
Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye

And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...


If you do go with Jessie, send me a number I can call you at *looks cute*.

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December." Italo Svevo

Concordance *grins*. SAT Points.

The Literary Meaning of a Rose- of Latin and Greek Orgin; beauty, simplicity

Rebecca- Captivating, Knot (celtic)

Wow, I just talked for a long time......... Lots of "arguing" with self............. Interesting convo is following.

I just wish I could kiss you........

I don't feel like I have to carry you........ I love walking with you, holding your hand.

http://images.google.com/images?svnum=20&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&newwindow=1&q=Rose+Wyatt

Wove..... Twue wove........ Yay for The Princess Bride.......

I enjoy you..... *teehee*

You told me an hour and a half ago that you needed to go..... Lol.

Hi, I'm Lola, nice to meet you........ This is my boyfriend, Shands, he's from Australia.

Ninja Turtles are so much better than My Little Pony.

I love your random, off subject sentences. And Kermit the frog.

Watch Waking Life. You'll love it.

I just remembered that the water is still on!!! *EEP*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Art-
http://www.guggenheimcollection.org/site/artist_work_md_85_1.html

http://www.guggenheimcollection.org/site/artist_work_md_92_1.html

http://www.guggenheim-venice.it/images/05/e_boccioni_1912_materia.htm

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&newwindow=1&q=+site:www.futurism.org.uk+The+Solidity+of+Fog

http://www.galleriaborghese.it/borghese/en/edafne.htm

Ever get that feeling in your chest where it feels like you're ripping apart, starting on the inside? Like there is a void, a black hole sucking every good feeling, every good intent, every thing you know about yourself and leaving you empty? Thats what it feels like to know that I am not good enough. That I'll never be enough, that I will never have kids or a man or be who I am supposed to be. It feels like I'm a shell.

You just made me cry....... I'll always see you on the front row.

You do offer guidance. You are someone that I would call in the middle of the night, someone who I would drive for hours just to see.

We have a lot of things that we loved experiencing together at conference. Wow, you're crying......

Ahhh..... The phone hung up.........

The way you talk about me makes me wonder........

I can't wait for our first kiss, that moment of intensity when we can completely be with each other. I promise that I'll make you blush.

I hope that I'm as good a kisser as you describe.

Be careful what you're affirming!

"Yay for dancing in your underwear" Rose

Ahhhhh, your phone is dying.................................

"I love you Becca"

"I love you too Rose"

"Sweet Dreams"

"Ditto"

Distance.

Credit to Stephanie for the pic. Winter Rally Spirit Sharing.

Journey

I'm going to be gone for awhile. Nine days to be exact. By the time I come back, God will have set me on a new path. I may be an International. I may not be. Wow.....

Until my return, enjoy my last letter to the region......


To My Love-

My last letter to the region…… Wow. Balancing Act, My Enchanted Spirit, S.E.A.R.C.H., I AM Remembering………….. Unbelievable. It seems impossible to have been there, to have experienced those things. I think it was absolutely amazing and to tell the truth, I hope you do too. This was a great year kids.

In twenty-four days, I go off to college in New York. In twenty four-days, I leave Joshua, Ft. Worth and everyone I have ever known for a place of the unknown, for a place of endless potential. I’ve got to admit that it’s quite scary. For once marching schedules, soccer games, homework and rally do not plan my life out. The path in front of me is boundless and no matter what happens, I’m affirming that its going to be really cool!!! And it very well may be; Annandale has frostbite warnings- leave anything uncovered in the cold and you loose it! Sounds pretty cool to me *teehee. * But any ways…. Lol.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for your unconditional love and support. You have no idea what it has meant to me all these years. What it has meant to all of the graduates. To know that you could come to a place, tell them all of your secrets, your fears, your worries and in the end, all they do is fuzzy you….. love you…. it is a true blessing, a miracle so pure that it is hard to believe. Y.O.U. has been my strong hold, my realization of the strength within. I am so honored that I was able to return that love in service and I hope that I have served you well. It was my every intention to rock this region with Shands, to have fun, to party and to, as a group, come to understand our essence. WE ARE….. I am.

Last year in a writing class that I took, my teacher asked us to write a paper about how we became the people that we are. Here’s a tad bit of mine. It was titled I AM-

“I’ve always been me, every moment of every day. It was just a matter of realizing it. It’s been a matter of cause and effect, of understanding, of thirsting for everything and nothing all at once. Life has been a challenge and a battle but in that I am lucky. True knowledge can only be gained through conflict, whether observed or experienced…
Rome was not built in a day and neither was I; life has been a process, it is a process. There are few defining points of my life. As I’ve progressed, they have all seemed to run together- no real defining moment but defining moments, defining life.
What has made the difference cannot be summed up in words, but people, places, feelings and existence. A soul is nothing but a reflection of those around them and the lessons learned by those surrounding. I have learned a great deal and I am ready for more and more….”

Who am I? I am Becca. I am a holy child of God. Who are you? Really, think about it. Who are you? Define yourself, make yourself. Use your power, you divine manifestation you, and change your world. Rock the world’s socks off. Live a life in present tense, in the now. Live a defining life, a life in which you grasp each and every moment for its knowledge, its wisdom, its experience. Learn, grow, evolve. Do it. DO IT. DO IT!!! Do it because you can, because it is within your power. We are infinite my friends, infinite. Do it like you mean it. Do it.

I guess its time to say good bye. That was the last Regi rant, my last words to you. Remember that you rock. That I love you, because I do, with all my heart and soul. I will always remember and cherish these times. I am so blessed.

Feel Free and Good Bless,

Becca Williams
Co- Regional Officer for the South Region

"What I will say is that...

...I'll always be learning about love. I don't think you ever do stop loving a person. I think you can hate them a little. But I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them." -Uma Thurman

I'm in a place in my life where I can look back over the love that I've had, that I've shared, that I've demanded. Girls, boys, mostly girls........... I've had a passion for each, a desire to be with them; not just near them, around them, but to know them, to feel them, to understand and love them for who they are.... were.... are. They are diverse, different, dynamic people- golden and beautiful, loved and forsaken, depending on whom you talk to, what day of the week that it is. Such is life my friends.

Monumental. Life altering. Powerful. Sexy. Evolving. Passionate. Confusion. Analise. My first love. My first girl. I loved her with a mad passion, with all of me. I think that I always will. No... I'm not IN love with her but I do love. I do love the way that she smiles, that she moves. I love the way the sun illuminates her skin, emphasizing her curves and casting light onto her glorious hair. I got to see her room, her house, her hangouts, her city. I got to touch her world, to feel it and know of its existence. Austin is real. Analise is too. I know. I'm glad I know. I waited three years, three fucking years, for a day in the life of Sunshine. In the presence Sunshine. In the arms of Sunshine. It was good to hold her, if only for a passing moment. We've changed so much together, learned so much together... apart. We've truly evolved. I think we've had more good times then bad and I would hope that she would agree. Even if the numbers don't work out, the good times were amazing, astounding. I usually couldn't breathe; I was breathless in her arms, within her reach. I did a lot of crying last night or at least getting very close to it. Being around her brought so much back.... the desperation, the loneliness, the lack, the desire to be everything and anything she wanted me to, to fill her, to save her, to be with her... for her. For a long time I was that bad kind of breathless. The kind where it hurts too much to speak, to think. I couldn't bring her flowers, take her for a picnic, make out in the movies, kiss her on her door step, watch her sleep... touch her... hear her....... feel her...... know her...................... be with her..................................... It tore me apart. The want, the need to be. The impossibility of it. To know that no matter what, I couldn't suffice; we couldn't be together. It was never just us. Never just Analise and Becca. There was Ricky, Daniel, Shands. That hurt. I never understood that. It seemed that I was never good enough, never real enough and over that distance, how could I be? Love conquers distance right? Never. Not for me at least. Not for Analise and Becca. The pain was too much, the need to consuming. No one should have to love like that, feel like that and have to live without the physical. Physicality is amazingly wonderful. To touch and love and kiss and hold is so divine. To have that need, that love, that want, that passion and never to live it is stifling. I'm not that strong. Not after being broken. I held her last night, for a moment, in the now. There wasn't anyone else. Release. Pure release. I will always treasure our laughter. Always.

It’s nice to know that I don't have to walk across the street anymore.

Wow.......

Vindicated
Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye

And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Biznatch

is my new favorite word.

Its always good to know that people trust you enough to call you up and ask for a little bit of guidance, a bite to eat, a place to sleep and a couple of snow cones. Thats when you know you're doing something right in your life.

I have conflicting emotions about America. Who'da thought?


Passion is kicking, but sometimes, oh sometimes, people are to god damned intense. They're so fucking bright you can't even begin to look at them. Seriously, if you get out of hand, take a chill pill yo. It works at the worst of times to turn them into the best of times.

This is my first fourth of July in four years. Its become almost a non holiday for my family because we're always in Europe. It was cool to see fire works.

Sun Chips are good. Go buy some.

So are ice cream and jello, mixed. Make some.

So are love, fuzzies, and change. Do it. DO IT!!!

DO IT!!!

I just dropped my entire family off at the airport........ I'm home alone for three weeks....... I feel very strange.

For the rest of my life, I'm at least 95% responsible for my entire life. I'm here for a week, then Conference and then two weeks and then Bard for an entire semester. I'm not coming home until December 18th. I'm leaving on August 6th. Shit, this is crazy.

I feel weird not being with them. It was so strange to stand outside of the line and watch my family check in and head towards their gate. I've been going to England with them every summer since after 8th grade. I'm not this year. I miss them, I really do. I don't tell them enough that I love them. I don't show them enough that I love them. I feel weird.

I feel amazing. I get to take charge of my life. I am in charge. I can do this. God, this is crazy. For the first time in my life, I make all the decisions. I can stay out as late as I want, I can order pizza, I can have a party. I can have quiet. I can have loud. I can sing and dance around the house, naked if I so choose. I just better watch out for the dogs; they have cold noses *grins*.

I feel very alone, nervous, sure, excited, perfect, tired, alone and ready. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I know that it's going to be really cool.

SETTING-

College bound Girl sits in her room. It's torn apart, ready to be moved across the hall to a new room, officially beginning the transition into saying goodbye. She sits at her computer, typing to friends and reading xangas. The once adorned bunk bed is now practically bare. All that remains are mattresses. Music in the background, We'll All Float On by Modest Mouse plays at a comfortable level. Enter Mom stage left, music fades to silence-

(Pause, almost awkward silence)

Mom: What are you doing?

Girl: Just taking a break for a while... What about you?

Mom: What?

Girl: What about you?

Mom: Oh. Dying my hair.

(Pause)

You love me right?

Girl: Yeah, of course I do.

Girl leans back in chair and looks at Mom, looks down.

(Pause)

Mom looks at bed and touches it.

Girl: It’s ready to be moved. I just have to unscrew it.

Mom: We'll do that tomorrow morning. Ok?

Girl: Yeah.

Exit Mom. Girl begins typing. Music rises and scene gradually dims as the song stops. Girl continues to type.

"And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on

Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on........"

fin

There is no good way

to start this entry. I've written and rewritten my thesis, tried commas, semicolons, dashes and periods. There is no elegant way to say that I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on.

I don't understand what I've done to convey a message of consternation and want. I am doing amazingly well. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am not living in the past or the future but in the now. I am simply existing, being true.

People keep asking for more of me, they want to KNOW me, apparently everything about me. I am a complete personification of my life, my history, my world. If you want to know me, watch me, look at me, see me. I AM. Thats all there is to it. You don't need to know anything else because there is nothing else. Everything that I am is a compilation of the years of life that I've lived. I am no great martyr, I have not suffered amazing amounts or lived a life rife with pain. I am simply myself. I am.






If you're dying to know more, wait for my memoir, I'm bound to write it someday.........