Fifteen

I have fifteen minutes to get these thoughts straight, fifteen minutes to make it come together.

Yesterday at school, I found out that the best friend of one of my friends had fallin asleep at the wheel. She drove off the road; her mother died and her young sister is now in critical condition.

I was with my friend when she found out, I could feel the tremors of her skin, the shaking of her breathe. I held her as she called her mom to take home.

After she was gone, I could still feel her pain, her agony. I could feel the pain of her best friend, the sorrow that seems all consuming. I weeped for them, for their sufferings, for hope.

The bell rang and lunch came. Standing in line it was hard to realize that life does go on and on. The lunch room was not any quiter than before, it was not any different. Our lunch table was slightly muted; it comforted me. I ate my nachos and wanted to pray, to hold hands with those around me in tribute to our friends, in hopes that they could find solice.

Ten minutes.

K. C. and I were in conflict last night, not fighting mind you, conflict. Something that can be worked out between to people without anger and resentment.

We were talking about the future, mine possibly three thousand miles away and hers unknown.

All she knows is that she wants to get away from the drama, from her dad, though he lives thousands of miles away. She wants to be free.

Free to do what K.C. wants, not what her dad wants, not what everyone else wants. What K.C. wants.

Six Minutes

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cat purring and my dog whining to be let out. I woke up only an hour early than I had planned.

I woke up this morning and I read Danielle's journal, my dearest friend from Dallas.

She wrote of her struggles of last year, her confusion or the lack therof. She wrote of excuses and being free. She has inspired me.

Three Minutes

As I sat there wishing to pray yesterday, I prayed to myself. Prayed that the people involved would be able to realize the strength they have inside, the potential that they have to understand. To know that all they need is inside of their heart, their soul their mind. That they can reach out and change the world, or, even more importantly, their lives. I prayed that they would be able to find peace, for it only comes from within.

Last night, talking to K.C., feeling her worry, her strife, I wanted to take her away from everything, to make everything better. I couldn't, but I knew who could. The ambition that she has, the passion that she has to be free can only be fueled by others. She has to use it herself, she has to change her world. And she can. And she will.

Danielle has changed her world, her perception of herself and of those around her. She has made a difference through the power of Self, yes, with a capital S. She has found the strength, the love, the passion within and she has changed her world.

Three minutes over....


It comes from within, it comes from within.

Tada!!!!!!!!!

There was a play off game on Monday. I played in it. Never, ever give up my friends.

Oh, we lost 2-0, but it was a damn good game and I'm glad I got to finish the season out with my team. It was worth everything and I mean everything.

Planning in Colorado was wonderful, I love my regi team. Everything was so perfect, so wonderful. We click so well. I love them so much.

I'll write more later, I'm still dead from all of the travel and such. Much love kids.

Oh, and K.C., I love you more than Avogadro's Number....... squared!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA*

And, just because of all of the passion behind this song, here it is. Not currently feeling this but it still gives me goose bumps-

My Immortal
Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

The Terrible, Horrible, Not-Good, Very Bad Day!

Yay for children's stories!!!!!!! If you don't what I'm alluding to, you should be ashamed of yourself. Say three Hail Marys and go here.

So, now, about that terrible, horrible, not-good, very bad day......... There is a playoff game. It's on Monday. I don't get to play. *Eep*.

We're tied for third at the moment and therefore we must play a tie breaker game. Coach was reading the rules for first and second place when she told us that after the number of games it goes to goals. For third there must be a game.

We were going to try and work around everything but I won't be back in town. I have to go to school for a half day to be able to play. I won't be.

There are times in life when you must sieze a situation in your hands, to mold it, to make it fit what you need it to, what it must. There are times in life when after the melting, the stretching, the manipulation, things just don't fit, they don't coincide. When you've reached that point it's time to let go before you are burned. Circumstance wins every once in a while. At least I can go to bed every night knowing I have done all that I could.

Thinking about how I let the team down makes me sick but I would feel even sicker if I let the Regis down. I can't do that, I know I can't. I said a pledge to put YOU first in every situation and I will abide by that not only because of my words but because YOU has made me who I am or rather, allowed me to become what I truly need to be. For that I am grateful.

On a side note- K.C., thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me complain, thank you for just listening and not trying to solve all of my problems. Thank you for holding me in your arms, thank you for attempting to tickle me *smiles*. Thank you for the kisses, the laughs, the silliness. Thank you for loving me for what I am. Thank you for making me smile when I'm down, for always wanting to spray paint dogs and birds and squirrels even though we both know its bad lol. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for all of your elegant words that make me smile and blush and breatheless as I read them. Thank you for not getting bored of me, for not getting fed up with my little quirks. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am blessed.

And baby, you know I wouldn't read your little pink book unless you wanted me to *winks*.

I get to see K.C. tonight and I can't wait.

Speaking of that....... I have so much I need to do. Lets make a list!!!

Things I Need To Do

• Paint trim


• Sand around door, paint


• Take down door, sand it, paint it, put it back up


• Clean room


• Finish helping mom with mulch


• Clean Ben's room


• Write a letter to soccer team


• Print out Regi stuff


• Pack


• Spend as long as possible with K.C.


• Sleep

Here's to finishing way to much stuff in way to little time. I want to be out of the house by 5:00 p.m. so I can spend four hours with K.C. That gives me six hours to finish all of that.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

*doo doo doot doot doo doo doo doot doot*


-------And Now For A Becca Update-------

We lost both games last week so no worries about missing the play off game, there won't be one. I expected to lose on Tuesday night and I expected a run for the money on Friday; I didn't expect for the team to give up.

The first goal was a fluke. The rest of the team is convinced that is wasn't actually in and I have suspicions myself. Regardless of if it was in or not, they gave up after that. Stopped marking their man, stopped guarding, stopped trying. Some of them weren't even trying to begin with. Very frusterating for me and even more so for my coach. She and I are kindred souls. I sit at the front of the bus and talk to her the entire ride about school, soccer, track, really anything that comes to mind. I think that without her the lack of intelligent conversation might kill me. Don't get me wrong, we've got smart girls on the team, they just fail to show it.

Coach Gantt and I have come to the conclusion that the girls don't have, shall we say, "heart." They lack desire, passion, zeal. They don't hunger for victory, strive for the win. They settle for less. We've also come to the conclusion that you can't coach "heart."

The girls have to take their lives into their hands. They have to control what is happening around them. It is possible. We are the only reasons that life happens. It happens because of us. Without us, it would cease to exist. Control your destiny, don't sit back and watch the world go by.

My Aunt Becky, yes the one I'm named after, sent me a card once after a big soccer tournement. It had a picture of a guy sitting on a staircase saying, "Good things come to those who wait...... *open card*....... But great things come to people who get off their butts and do something about it!!!"

I love that card.


Drumline is excellent. We had a contest in Houston this weekend; damn bus ride was ten hours round trip *grumble grumble*. Yay for charter buses and getting a seat to myself!!! Any way, we did well musically but even better socially. This was one of the first trips where none of us fought or even wanted to. We all were comfortable with each other in the best way. They even liked the team building exercise that I randomly decided to do!!!!!!!!! It was great to hang out with them, even if it was physically draining to loose all of that sleep.

The drumline is beginning to learn what passion is.


The first time I can remember being exposed to passion was when my big brother was in high school. It was the first time I really recognized it for what it was. Ben had picked me up from a soccer practice and we were driving home with the radio blasting and both of us singing at the top of our lungs to some wonderful punk song. He and I rarely talked in the car; between us gasping for breathe and the heavy bass lines in the music, there wasn't really a way. We sang our hearts out.

We stopped at a stop light, waiting for our turn to go, still singing as loud as possible when I realized that one of my team mates was in front of us, looking back and waving at me. I waved and then continued belting out the lines. The girl thought I was trying to be funny, laughing and pointing. I was impassioned by the moment, by the music, by the harmony of the disharmony between my brother's deep bass and my alto.

The light changed, we drove on, the girl turned around and we kept singing.

Those who don't understand the passion, the deep, true, abidding love for life will ridicule, will misunderstand, will look at you with their head cocked sideways and then laugh because they don't realize the power of the moment. I live my life with that passion, with that love. I act with that feeling at school, at home, at soccer, at church, at band, at everything. I live life with passion.

I don't understand those who don't.

And now for something completely different!

Yay for Monty Python!

*AHEM*

Oh, right.....

As of yesterday K.C. and I have been dating for a month. We spent most of the day together, watching movies and snuggling on her bed, which, by the way, has pink satin sheets *wink wink nudge nudge say-no-more*. We half-heartedly watched the first episode of Invader Zim, which I will admit is starting to grow on me, and entertained ourselves. We were both extremely emotional at times, her trying to be ok with the drama in her life and me having a sudden panic attack.

We had been entertaining ourselves for quite sometime when suddenly an unidentified random emotion siezed every ounce of my being. I felt like crying, running away, jumping into her arms and never letting go. Extreme conflicting emotions. I felt as if I was going to lose her, as if she was going to run away, as if I was going to run away...... Almost as if we would suddenly look at each other, say our good byes and part forever and for no reason at all. I felt that perhaps, we would just grow tired of each other and it made me feel sick. I couldn't look into her eyes for fear of...... of something, of anything at all.

Luckily, I got over that. I'm not sure what the feeling was or what it meant. I think I was fearing deja vu, fearing that she could suddenly stop putting me first, stop caring about me, start treating me like crap, as each has happened in past relationships. I don't think that any of those are a possibility in this case, thank you god!

We decided to do something else besides entertain ourselves and ended up playing video games. A child of mine will never play Grand Theft Auto lol. That game scares the shit out of me. The army has been using certain video games to train for war. Terrorists should use GTA!!! It really does scare the shit out of me.

After playing scary video games, I wrestled with her little brother, which led to a slight bloody nose, which led to much babying and sweetness. I enjoyed that.

Following that, K.C. and I escaped to her backyard where we watched the stars and snuggled more. The night before we had seen the moon together, though we were each seperatly at our own houses. It was "vunderful."

The cold finally got to us and we climbed upstairs again to her room to make use of aforementioned satin sheets.

*Teehee*

Ok, not really, but kind of *giggles*........

I fell asleep around 10:00 and she cradled me in her arms. It was heaven. I woke up at one point only to be showered with radiant love. The last words that I heard before I drifted back into sweet slumber were her declarations of love, of devotion, of gratitude. I have never slept more soundly, more secure than when I layed in her arms. I never wanted it to end.

Unfortunatly it did, and I was late getting home.........

I am left without words to describe my feelings, left without the ability to speak or to grasp the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I am so, so, so blessed and so loved and so grateful to have her in my life.

Thank you god.

This Is Your Life
Switchfoot

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you?ve broken
Don?t close your eyes
Don?t close your eyes

This is your life and today is all you?ve got now
And today is all you?ll ever have
Don?t close your eyes
Don?t close your eyes

This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Is it everything you?ve dreamed it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose

Don?t close your eyes
Don?t close your eyes

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Is everything you?ve dreamed it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose

Don?t close your eyes
Don?t close your eyes

Soccer

Soccer is stressful right now. The girls all seem to be quasi ignoring me, though not in a spiteful way. It's like I'm there when they need something from me but when they don't, I dissipate into nothing until they need me again.

When the girls (refering to the my team) need me, I'm there. I've got their back, on and off the field. Without me, there would be no play off hopes. I've won three shoot outs, three games that would have gone to pot if I wasn't there. I'm not bragging, I'm not being big headed. I'm the only goalie on the team.

When they need help on homework, I help. When they have boy trouble, I listen. When they want to quit because it hurts to bad, I'm there. When I feel lost and like no one would care if I was gone, they cancel their plans with me, ride in other peoples cars, make fun of me and then write gay slurs.

Tonight is my last home game. It makes me sad. I love this game, this feeling. I love the moments where time stands still and the only things that matter are my hands and the ball. I love to dive, to knock people over, to dominate the field and scare the forwards shitless because I don't back down. I love playing this game. I love playing it here, at Joshua, despite everything. The girls are good, damn good.

I just wish that they realized I am more than a pair of gloves......

KC is wonderful. "Vunderful!!!!!!!"

Shands and Vanessa really like her and it makes me very, very happy. They said that they were surprised at how much spunk she has. They said she was bubbly *grins*. I agree. It is such a nice change to date someone like her. I am so grateful to be wrapped around such a "vunderful" persons finger.

She and I will be dating one month on Monday.

I'm still worried about Mount Holyoke and about playing in the playoff game. I hope it works out. I need to stop thinking about it because it makes me feel sick.

We need to win against North Crowley Friday night and winning tonight wouldn't hurt at all. I would love that.

Band rocks my face off. I've been hanging out with Calvin a lot lately. That guy is amazing. I really love goofing off during practice with him; playing all of the songs thirty beats over tempo when Jen turns around to help someone else. It 'tis a lot of fun.

I need to get focused for the game..........