Fucking Females...

Don't get me wrong, you know that I love girls dearly, and these girls especially, but damn. They all have legitimate problems and concerns, but its all of them at once, bombarding me with their angst. A tad bit overwheleming.

Pointlessness

Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know *including* the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends.
It is fun and easy.


*1. FIRST NAME: Rebecca

*2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Aunty Becky

*3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Uhhhhhhhhhhh, what a strange question...

*4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? Wow...... Strange question again...

*5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Friday

*6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure, even though no one can read it

*7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I guess ham....

*8. ANY BAD HABITS? Monkeys?

*9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? I'm really not digging all of these negative questions......

*10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH
YOU? Who wouldn't? *shoots you a dazzling Becca smile*

*11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Well..... I attempt to cartwheels even though I can't!!!

*12. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? No

*13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Yes and no.

*14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I hit stuff.... like drums....... and then I write and read and vent and sing and breathe.

*15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? Church

*16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? I rely on myself most often but I do trust others once they've earned it, which isn't hard to do with me. You've just got to appear not so crazy and and a little crazy and responsible. It works.

*17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?

*18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? P.E.

*19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Several. One online, one for me, one for the South Y.O.U.

*20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Duh..............

*21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? I'm actually trying to figure that out right now. Kind of in transition.........

*22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Becca, Bec, Bopper, Becky Boo (Katrina only!!! Any other users will be sentenced to instantaneous death!), Green Band Bottom Monkey, the later half of ShaBecca and misc. others.


*23. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope, bad for your retinas

*24. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No...

*25. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? Yes and no. I told Megan and Natalie that I wanted to buff up and Megan said, "NOOOOOOOO! Tone, you want to get TONED, not BUFF." And then she shuttered....

*26. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? The kind where its cold and creamy........

*27. SHOE SIZE? 8-10 depending

*28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Blue

*29 HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? No idea

*30. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Katrina.

*31. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE YOU SEND THIS TO, TO SEND IT BACK? Hmmmmm........ Monkeys?

*32. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Silence.

*33. LAST THING YOU ATE? A Cheetos' Crunchy, Flamin' Hot Limon Cheeto

*34. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A person who called for my mom and then hung up.

*35. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? The same thing that I knotice about anyone- they're alive.

*36. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? Erin is a wonderful person!

*37. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Doing alright, little bit of a headache but good.

*38 FAVORITE DRINK? Water, Milk, Juice and Coffee

*39. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Monkeys?

*40. FAVORITE SPORTS? Soccer, Cross Country etc.

*42. EYE COLOR? Hazel

*43. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes.

*44. SIBLINGS? I don't usually wear them....... but yes, I do have two brothers- three if you count Shands.

*45. FAVORITE MONTH? June is pretty nice...

*46. FAVORITE FOODS? Italian/Mexican

*47. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Drive Me Crazy with Melissa Joan Heart. Wouldn't recommend it.

*48. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Any day where I get ice cream!

*49. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Hahahahahahahahaha....... NO.

*50. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? A lot of scary movies have happy endings......

*51. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

*52. HUGS OR KISSES? Either or, depending on who we're talking about.

*53. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I think that both are valid. I've been in quite a few relationships and I'm ready from a break from that. I am kind of looking for a make out buddy, though I'm not sure that I could go through with it. I tend to over analyze everything and would probably put the person to sleep discussing the possible consequences of our actions and making sure that they understood fully what each of us were feeling. Lol.

*54. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one, since I'm posting this instead of doing the e-mail thing.

*55. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Uh......... Up there.

*56. WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? Germs, Guns and Steel

*57. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one

*58. FAVORITE BOARD GAMES? I don't have one.

*59. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Didn't.

*60. FAVORITE SMELLS? Peace.

*61. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? What the hell was I dreaming about? I have really, really weird dreams....

*62. THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU: Is really fun and awesome and directionally challenged!!! I love you Erin.

Hmmmmmmm..........

beautyNRfailings: hmm
beautyNRfailings: you know i feel like everything's happening really fast and that i don't have time to catch up
Becca hearts U: it seems to be quite a crazy time for you
beautyNRfailings: i mainly just. wonder who i am
Becca hearts U: what do you mean?
beautyNRfailings: i don't know
beautyNRfailings: i just wonder who the person is that life is happening to, and that is happening to life. i kind of wonder what force is underneath because i don't think i took the time to define that before. i was too worried about everything else
Becca hearts U: thats a really interesting way to put it
beautyNRfailings: it's something that's really hard to put words to
Becca hearts U: i'm sure
beautyNRfailings: well i think it's my turn to listen now if there's anything you want to talk about
beautyNRfailings: i phrased that kind of wierd...but i just mean that, i want to help if i can
Becca hearts U: i know babe
Becca hearts U: i was just thinking how best to articulate what i'm going through right now
beautyNRfailings: okay
Becca hearts U: all of this stuff with k.c. and stephanie is happening, my relationship with shands is changing again (not bad, happens often), i'm rebuilding the relationship that i had with megan before we dated and i'm trying to figure exactly who i am. i have a list of things that i aspire to be (not in an unhealthy way, but in a way that progresses my learning) and i was wondering tonight if people will remember me as having those traits that i try to exemplify
beautyNRfailings: all of these are good, beautiful things, and i'm glad that you get to witness them. it really is cool to watch you change yourself, becca
beautyNRfailings: i've noticed that there are a few people that consciously do it that i know, and you're one of them, and i'm always amazed by that.
Becca hearts U: well, lol, at least i know one person will remember *smiles*
beautyNRfailings: haha
beautyNRfailings: i would like to think that more than one person will
Becca hearts U: same here
Becca hearts U: but i know there are some that won't and the weird thing is that i'm okay with that because i don't feel as if i'm responsible for their feelings about me
beautyNRfailings: that's probably because. you're not.
Becca hearts U: see, this is where some people could get caught up in symantics
Becca hearts U: it is true that we are not responsible for how others feel about our actions; we are only responsible for those actions
Becca hearts U: but each action has a consequence with which we must come to accept and deal with
beautyNRfailings: true
Becca hearts U: if the action that we did effected another person, we are responsible not for how they feel but for helping them deal with the emotions that they have
Becca hearts U: affected
Becca hearts U: i think...
beautyNRfailings: i think that people are responsable for ttheir own emotions
Becca hearts U: i agree
Becca hearts U: but for example, if i had dumped k.c. and completely ended our relationship after that, not helping her deal with the unfamilar emotions that she was dealing with, would that be fair? right? justifiable?
beautyNRfailings: for effected and affected just think of the meaning of the letter "a" in spanish which means "to something" affected describes something that happens to a person or thing. effect is like the result. cause equals effect.
Becca hearts U: i am not responsible for her emotions, she chooses those, but responsible for helping her deal with those because the are the consequences of my actions
beautyNRfailings: it's arguable that at the same time, it may be impossible to be someone's friend, and 'break their heart' at the same time
Becca hearts U: and depending on the situation and people involved, it may be completely impossible
beautyNRfailings: makes sense
Becca hearts U: but i feel that it applies to more than just romantic relationships
beautyNRfailings: we all choose our effect
beautyNRfailings: but not always our affect ;-)
Becca hearts U: thats how i try to live my life, making spiritual choices as wise as i can possibly manage and then honestly dealing with my consequences
Becca hearts U: lol *smiles*
beautyNRfailings: a good way to go
Becca hearts U: its worked for me thus far, though i've never actually explained it before
beautyNRfailings: really? why not
Becca hearts U: i've never actually thought about it in detail, i've just existed in that space
beautyNRfailings: mm. i feel you
Becca hearts U: word
Becca hearts U: thanks for the except, accept bit
beautyNRfailings: i didn't plan it, i think that's the only reason it was cool
Becca hearts U: they actually decided in joshua that the gifted and talented kids shouldn't be taught grammar because we were so smart that we already knew it
Becca hearts U: they decided this in 3rd grade *shakes fist at joshua*
Becca hearts U: oh, and stephanie from austin says you need to talk about braclets
beautyNRfailings: hahahahaha
beautyNRfailings: inside joke
Becca hearts U: i got it
Becca hearts U: or, rather, i understood the fact that it was an inside joke
beautyNRfailings: this old guy who was like austin's version of the late frank sinatra comes up to us and asks us if we're bracelet buddies while we were in a cafe. i told him it was the only reason why we were friends. then he joked about it and he was a real character it made us laugh
Becca hearts U: hey..... question!
Becca hearts U: is it ok if i post part of this on my blogger?
beautyNRfailings: i would be flattered
Becca hearts U: yay!!! *smiles*

K.C. and Regi's Galore...

I drove to K.C.'s house for the last time yesterday. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel on the drive so I put in the Counting Crows' August and Everything After album and sang at the top of my lungs. My way of chilling out and taking a deep breath I guess.

I arrived and there was akward silence, followed by us walking slowly to her room. More akwardness and then the ice broke. She cried, not hysterically but almost silently, because she was nervous about moving away from everything that she knows. Her friends, her family, her house, everything, she's leaving everything behind.

It struck a chord with me. To go so far away, surrounded by the unknown.... it sounds a lot like Bard to me.

I comforted her, talked her through the fear, told her what amazing oppurtunities await her. They do. They really do. She has a clean slate, she can do anything and everything without limitation. No more parents, no more debt, no more problems that she has to deal with even though she didn't cause them. I'm so happy for her.

I said goodbye to Donnie, to K.C.'s mom and dad. I might never see them again. I probably won't. I love Donnie and Mary (aka mom). I really did enjoy getting to know them and spending time with them. I didn't know the dad much, though honestly, I didn't want to. Such is life I guess.

The finality of the situation hit me while I was sitting in my car, the door open, my legs hanging out, talking to K.C. Thats how we've always said goodbye. We talked, hugged, she kissed my cheek and I drove away, glancing over to see her tackle Donnie and I left with that picture molded into my mind.

I may see her sometime. I want to drive down south to Austin/Houston/San Antonio some time soon. I don't know if I will though.............

I turned on to I-35E and headed north, past I-20, I-30 and past Dallas towards Plano. Yes........ I was picking up DANIELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

She was in town from Austin so we, meaning the Innie and Outie Teams, decided to have a regi sleep over at my house!!! We picked up Megan and Shands and headed for mi casa. There was plenty of yelling and driving in circles on the way home. Small children were scared *shakes head*.

It was so great to hang out with all of them together. It was quite obvious to see who was whose Innie. Shands and Danielle wrestled and attacked each other with a blanket while I attempted to sleep on Megan's lap while she played with my hair, tickeled me, hit me with a pillow and laughed at the general chaos. We stayed up until 5 and then went to sleep and only then because I had a three hour drive in six hours to get them all home. It was greatness.

I'm excited about the next year. With the possibility of Shands and I working on a team together again and with those two taking care of the South, Y.O.U. is in good hands.

To clarify, if any of the International Candidates are elected, they're going to be amazing. I'm not just saying that, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. All seven of us have been e-mailing back and forth and its been soooooooooooooo much fun. I can't wait for conference. I think I'm bring bubbles......

BUBBLES.....
.o
o. .o
o.
o.
o. .o

When I went to my first rally, I met Donna. Donna, the most beautiful, wonderful, spiritual person who had ever come into my life. I instantly fell in love with her, IN love with her. I just didn't figure it out until eight months later. Regardless, I e-mailed her constantly, called her all the time. I want to be around her, in her presence; I wanted to be her. I wanted to be as beautiful, as wonderful, as spiritual. I put her on a pedestal and left her there for years. I quite frankly worshipped the ground that she walked on. At Conference 2002, Peace Be Still, she wrote me a note during the silence. She told me that it was all with in. Everything that I saw in her, that I wanted in her, was in me. I just had to remember, I just had to reach out and grasp it. It took time, but I realized it was true. Donna and I were equals, we always had been.

I am only human. I am only a water bottle holding God goodness within. I don't have all of the answers for you. As a Regi, people begin to put you on a pedestal from day one. They see you up on stage, personifying everything that Y.O.U. praises and they want to be like you. That’s not bad, its part of life. We find someone who we admire and we latch on. I've done it plenty of times, each time coming back to the realization that I cannot look outside of myself, I must look within. You have all of the answers that you need, you just have to find them. You just have to remember.

I am not the same person that you met at Balancing Act. I am new, I am different but I am still Becca. I evolve just as everyone else does. I am going through a period of deep reflection, I've discovered new things about me and I am coming to accept them and learn from them. You can't expect me to always be the same, to always have the answers, to always say the right thing. I am human. I am Rebecca.

I can't be responsible for your feelings or the way you take the words that I say. I am only responsible for myself and I feel like I said nothing wrong or negative. Maybe you feel like you are still in want because you haven't found it yourself. Maybe not. That’s up to you to decide.

I am no God, I am simply soul connected to spirit. So are you. Don't forget.

Take what you want from this, leave what you don't.

Feel Free and Good Bless

Change

It's in every one of us
To be wise
Find your heart
Open up both your eyes

We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us
By and by........

I've really begun to take a long look at myself, who I am, what I've become. I'm not ashamed or disappointed in myself at all; I'm mainly curious about how to change now that I have found new purpose. I felt like I have been serving my self in the majority of my spiritual, social and emotional decisions. I know that I need to make better physical decisions regarding my health. Regardless, I feel like I have been living my truth and now I realize that it hasn't been serving soul and spirit. Now its time to change, but into what? That is the question my friends.

Ev'ry where I go...

I'm gonna let it shine.........

I went and hung out with the boys tonight, the boys consisting of Megan, Shands and I. It was truly a profound experience.

We chilled at this new coffee house that is just down the street from our church, Artistic Blends. Atmosphere is nice, better coffee at Four Star but any way, we sat and talked about reginess and rally and Y.O.U. We talked about relationships and Shands trying to lactate and other fun things. *BANG*. It was awesome.

I have this thing with some girls that I do to make them laugh. Megan is one of those girls. I put on this big macho facade, talk about girls a lot (not in a demeaning way btw). Megan laughed alot. It got on Shands' nerves. He is so different than me in some ways. I enjoy the fact that I am attractive, that girls and boys both find me intriguing. I love to know that and though it might be egocentric, I find it to be the kind that serves me.

We chilled downtown at Barnes and Nobles; stupid Starbucks took over the Coffee Haus..... We went and bought four 99 cent chicken nuggets from the Wendy's drive through and consumed them in around five seconds at the foot of the Carrot. We drove Shands home and Megan and I sat in a playground near her home. We talked for two hours.

Megan and I dated once, as you very well may recall. She is also my Incoming Regional Officer for Y.O.U. In the year and a half since she and I dated, we have both grown so much, she more than I in many ways. We sat, stood, moved, bounced and slid around the playground, talking about life, about the excitment and dedication of being a regi, about how life changes, about how people change, about relationships and passion and the lack thereof when it becomes time. We decided that I'm passionate and that though passion is amazing, it is also short lived. When I date someone, I become so passionate about them, doing everything and anything for them, that I eventually wear myself out. It really is nothing that the other person did, its how I react to people in general.

I, at one point on this plane of existance, decided that I wanted to dedicate my life to the service of others because that served me. It makes me feel good to serve, to share what I've learned and to see others learn. I am attracted to people in both platonic and romantic relationships that are unsure of themselves, that are looking for guidance and I try to provide that, to share my experience. I begin that process with such fervor and passion that the other person becomes wrapped up in what I am. It makes me harder to let go of. I yearn to see people realizing the Christ within them because I see it in me and I know it as attainable. To have someone that sees it in you..... God, that is amazing. I fell in love with Donna when she saw it in me. I can understand why others fall in love when someone sees it in them.

I spend so much of my life serving others that I don't really serve myself. Rally was a perfect example. I spent so much time and energy with others that I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and I eventually became sick and passed out. I loved rally but I didn't enjoy it as I could have if I had let myself. If I had served myself as well as those around me. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn as an International if I become President of Service. I have to serve Soul and Spirit. The water bottle and the ocean.

After I dropped Megan off at her house, I left my music off. I started singing Listen-

Listen, listen, listen
To my heart song
Listen, listen, listen
To my heart song
I will never forget you
I will never forsake you

I was connecting to God, opening up myself to be ready and receptive to wisdom.

I asked out loud, "How do I serve myself? I am already being true to who I am, I'm not hiding my divinity, I'm not afraid of my light..."

"Am I being true to myself? Am I honoring myself? I'm not denying myself anything, I'm not holding back......"

"How can I be true?........... Just be; No expectation. Live in the moment, be true to how I feel and what I need. Don't worry about everyone else because that is in God's hands and in theirs. If you are called to lead or to guide, you'll know when you need to. Don't worry. Just be; No expectation...."

I am holy holy holy
I am holy holy holy
I am holy holy holy
I am whole....

I listened for a little while longer, letting my own divinity guide me and allowing it all to come in to me. Allowing myself to soak it up as a sponge.

I am not alone
I am not alone
I am not alone
God is here with me

I felt relaxed, self assured. I still do. I finished the drive home singing this, slightly out of key and out of tune. I loved it, every moment and every minute.

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine

Hide it under a bushel? NO!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? NO!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? NO!
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine

All over town
I'm gonna let it shine
All over town
I'm gonna let it shine
All over town
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine

Ev'ry where I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Ev'ry where I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Ev'ry where I go
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine

This is the new band that I discovered this weekend. I don't know if they are new to you, but they are to me. They remind me of Vertical Horizon's fourth cd and Sister Hazel. Good stuff.

Whatever I feel
Toad: The Wet Sprocket

There’s almost nothing left
You eat my kind for breakfast
What did I expect?
To come here and find anyone
Find open arms to greet me
And friends to feed me
I sicken myself so much
And you eat my kind for breakfast
You eat my kind

Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring
Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whatever I have been given, whatever I have been

Seeing myself this way
I am a monster I believe
And seeing is believing
Is there no doubt left
When I wake up
I poison myself
And poison gives no appetite
I sicken myself so much
I sicken myself so

Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring
Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whatever I have been given, whatever I have been

Did we expect these things to change
By waking up and suddenly there they are
And all I need's a starting place
And nothing ever seemed so hard...

Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring
Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me
Whatever I have been given, whatever I have been

One Thing
Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line

It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I feel like that today. If I could just reach out and grab something, if I could just understand this one thing.... I guess I just feel a little lost. I know that I did the right thing, but it feels weird not to call K.C. up on the phone. It's weird to think that I might never kiss her again.

We're talking and I can't think of anything to say....... I was trying to come up with some kind of conversation and the only thing I can think about is oranges and books and all of our inside jokes. I really do love her, she is so dear to me. I feel sad that I can't be more for her. I just know that I can't lie and that I can't pretend to feel what I don't. I just wish I wasn't hurting her.

I wish we could get over this one thing...

Sunrays and Saturdays
Vertical Horizon

Open the window
Let the sunset in
If only for the last time
Let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
But it says so much about us

Always trying
To make love out of care
The perfect recipe
But something wasn't there

And I wish you
Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and Saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose

You'll write me letters
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
And never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
And we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together
We're just better off apart

Always trying
To have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

And I wish you
Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and Saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose

This too, shall pass...

K.C. and I broke up somewhere in the last 24 hours, though I'm not sure exactly when.

I called her last night and told her that when she moved to San Antonio that I felt we needed to part. She cried for an hour and a half while I sat there, helpless and sorry to have caused her pain. As I sat there I became more and more frusterated. I couldn't do anything to make her feel better nor could I make her stop crying. My own helplessness got the better of me and I began to scream at her. It didn't last very long but even that was to much. I got off the phone in daze and soon went to sleep, though I didn't do much of it.

Today I woke up, called her and arranged to come over. My emotions were churning and I wasn't quite sure what to do. I just knew that I had to see her, to attempt to explain and to help.

We layed on her bed, talking, holding each other. I felt like a bastard. I went through an amazing range of emotions. I was kissing her when I broke down. I realized that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't lie to her and I couldn't hurt her anymore. We sobbed in each others arms for two hours and I left, crying in my car.

I love her and she did nothing wrong, but I changed, I moved on and I did so without even knowing it. One day I woke up and it was gone, eviscerated in time. I'm sorry K.C., I'm sorry to put you through this pain but we both knew this would happen. We both knew that this day would come. I will always be here for you. I will always be here to help you. Namaste.

Bunnyfrom666: I went into a Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago and these two guys come up to me and say hi then walk down the aisle abit then one guy says "Hey that chick is hot!" In a "whisper" and they were going on and on so I grabbed the closest book "Where the boys are at" *coughs* its about guys that hang out at gay bars
Bunnyfrom666: and then one guy says "Id sooo do her..."
Bunnyfrom666: then I put my book up and walked away
Bunnyfrom666: then they started to follow me
Bunnyfrom666: I felt like I was in the movie Halloween and being chased By Myers and I was running... naked... I dont know... but Myers is walking and I am running and you know how Myers always catches up even though hes walking and the other person running there ass off
Bunnyfrom666: it was kinda like that but I was speed walking
Bunnyfrom666: but the dude that would "do" me caught up and said, "Hey girl whats your name?" "Stephanie" "Can I have your number?" "No." "Why?" "One. After I gave you my name you failed to introduce yourself but instead you asked for my number" "Two... You'd "do" me. sooo no"
Bunnyfrom666: then I walked away
Bunnyfrom666: but then they kept following me
Bunnyfrom666: so I went into... the Gay Erotica section... *falls over laughing*
Bunnyfrom666: I think quickly... if I pick up the lesbian erotica they might rape me right there because boys are stupid... so I picked up the Gay erotica book... thinking that they were not gay
Bunnyfrom666: I opend it
Bunnyfrom666: and died
Bunnyfrom666: I was like "Oh yeah! *cringe*
Bunnyfrom666: "Hey now! *twitches*
Bunnyfrom666: "Naked gay guys yes!" *dah*
Bunnyfrom666: I was flippinh quick to try to find a page full of words
Bunnyfrom666: no words
Bunnyfrom666: then they both said at the same time "Ewwww gah!!!!" and left
Bunnyfrom666: then I quickly put the book up looked around to see if anyone saw
Bunnyfrom666: then left
Bunnyfrom666: and died
Bunnyfrom666: because now I have seen everything

Sorry that I've been so absent lately. I have been extremely busy with Y.O.U. stuff. I've been working non stop on it for the last week and though I am tired, I'm not tired of being a regi. Its an amazing experience, worth all the effort and time. I love it, I truly do.

I've decided to run for International President of Service. I'm excited......