I'm having a little bit...

...of a hard time right now. I found out thirty minutes ago that my dad didn't get the job in Richmond. Also, earlier today, Rose made it very clear that she is in love with Chris and is going to continue to be in a relationship with him. They're probably going to move in together after August.

To grossly understate my current state, I feel overwhelmed. I have to write a 10 page paper by Friday. The paper is an ethnography on violence and suffering within the Queer community and I interviewed six of my close friends. It's hard to listen to their voices on the tapes describing high school and middle school. It's hard to try and make some kind of formula, some kind of mold for their experiences to fit in. They're so individual and painful and yet so much the same.

Rose is going to be here, visiting me, on Friday night. She's staying until Tuesday. I almost don't want her to come. I love her, beyond being 'in love', and I want her to be a part of my life for as long as I have one, I just feel like I need a little recouping time. It's really hard to know what to do with my emotions; they are so strong and powerful. I'm hurting in a very real way. I feel raw with emotion.

I also feel very alone. I know that I have people who love me and who support me but I want a body, something real, right here, someone to hold me and to let me hold them. There are so many possiblities and so little for me to do about them. I feel helpless, helpless and alone.

I haven't talked to Rose since my dad called; she's not home yet. I'm not sure what she's going to say. Moving to Richmond was our hope, or at least it was when I was visiting her in Virginia Beach. I feel like the only chance I'm going to have to be with her would be to live near her, to have something physical (as in seeing each other on a day to day basis), something real instead of lonely conversations over the phone. I miss her so much. The last few weeks have just been sad, angry and confused between us. It's so hard to know what to do with these strong feelings. I want to feel loved, I want to feel wanted, I want to be held and safe in someone's arms. Rose's arms. I always feel so safe around her. And loved. Safe and loved.