My Freshman Year Is Over.

Wow. This year has been a whirlwind of emotional, physical and spiritual experience. Tonight is my last night at Bard until July 31st. Two months.... Hmmmm, that doesn't sound so long.

I'm waiting for a load of clothes to dry so that I can finish packing. There are around six or eight (seven isn't a possibility lol) sitting outside of my room in the hall. The walls of my room are white, a state that has not occurred since the first day of classes. It's been eight months and I'm a completely different person.

The thought of going HOME is overwhelming. I can't wait to see my family, to see my friends, to sleep in my bed in my house and have everything be mine, for everything to be familiar and old and mine. At the same time, I don't want to go home to TEXAS. I was talking to Rose earlier today (we're doing quite better by the way) about the fact that since I've come to Bard I've found a new confidence in myself. At Bard it is perfectly one hundred percent ok-- some believe it's even great!-- to be a lesbian. Before I came here, I couldn't even say the word lesbian. I'm going back to a place where I felt restricted, silenced and alone. With my newfound confidence, my newfound sense of self, what will I do? I don't think that I'll allow myself take a step back towards the closet (I was out in high school, so I haven't been fully in the closet in a long time). I might avoid the topic though, depending on who I talk to. I might decide not to. I think I'm going to decide not to. Fuck prejudice. I'll give a face to their prejudice and disband it, invalidate it. Still a little scary though, to go back to that.

So, I mentioned that Rose and I are doing better. We are. She came and visited and for the first time in our relationship, she and I were together without physical restriction. I held her, kissed her, loved her. I had to hold part of me back, to know that it wouldn't continue after she left, but it was ok and it is now. I miss her, I miss her body (in fact I have slept in my room only twice since she left over a week ago), I miss her voice, I miss her touch, I miss her. I love her; that hasn't changed. However, I realize now that what I was doing was pushing her away from me. For the first time, I realized that I had ceased to be a positive thing in her life; I was taking way more energy than I was giving. I'm working on that now. I want to be as good for her as she is for me. And she's very, very good for me. So I'm working on that. I still miss her, it still hurts at times, but I have to have her in my life, I can't push her away like that any more. I love her too much.

So, wow, freshman year. Over. Wow. It is truly a mind job. I feel very emotional. It's intense. Hit a wall, a brick wall, intense. Intense feeling. Hard to explain it better than that. I'll try eventually, later I guess. I have to keep packing and stuff. Seeing friends that I won't see for a few months. Busy months. Any way. Much love yo.

P.S. I'll be back in Joshua on Thursday evening. I'll spend that evening and the next day at home. Saturday my family is celebrating my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. Sunday, I will be at church. I will hang out with you all then. *HUGS*.