I'm home.......... I guess. I'm at the place where I sleep at night, most of the time at least.

College.... New York........... Texas........ Family, friends, life, choices..........

What am I going to do.......

I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I have decided that I will not let fear rule my life. I am in control and I can do it, if I put my mind to it. I know thats a silly little saying, but its gotten me a long way.

I can do it.

Its ok. I found her.

Mayra...... where are you?

I love my family, but I wonder what they would do if they knew.......... You know, extended family........... I'm tired, crabby and worried about my girlfriend.............

God help me

God help me to be patient
God help me to be kind
God help me to realize that they are on their own path, and me, mine
God help me to find the good
God help me to to love
God help me not to go crazy around my relatives because I just might tonight.

Word.

Self restraint

Self restraint, my friends, is called being surrounded by glorious, beautiful, sweet, kind women that you are hoplessly attracted to but maintaining your silence and your ever constant want to be honest in order to keep from ending the friendship. Every situation is not a candy coated *I-accept-you-for-you-even-though-you-want-to-kiss-me* relationship.

Damn, girls are hot.

Metallica

Thanks Celeen, for hooking me up with that info about the lyrics. You rock my toe socks inside out and back again. Word.

Oh, btw, that stuff about never never land is by Metallica, hence the title.

Having great fun with my cousins and all up here in Merriville. Its really cool, I hadn't seen them in two years because last year my family was so sick that we couldn't visit. That wasn't fun, but this is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subpar.

Woot Woot.

Any way, we watched this movie today called "Get Over It." It was super cute, my cousins loved it. Woot Woot.

So, yeah, rock on and don't forget to hide your cookies. I heard that this fat guy in a red suit was going out to steal some tonight. Weirdo.

Indiana

Yep, I'm here. Whooo hoooo!!!!!!!

The two day car ride wasn't all that bad, though Ben, Zack and I suffered through about three straight hours of Christmas music Sunday night. My parents drive me nuts simply because they don't have the same passion for music that the rest of us do. Anything will do for them to listen to. I just can't take twelve versions of jingle bells in a row.

I'm kind of proud of my self. This is the first Christmas in three years that I haven't been grounded. The fall is the most stressful part of the year for me and I always seem to get in lots of trouble right before the holidays. Its nice not to be in trouble.

Lots of time to think on the way up here. Lots of stuff to worry about too. I'm trying to just be cool about all of this college stuff but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me. Majors, minors, locations, colleges, relationships and life. Ayeyiyi. Who knows where I'll end up. I sure as hell don't.

I kind of wish I was home..........

I kind of think thats just because I'm crabby and tired. *boohoo for me*

Oh, btw- I didn't bring any of the addys for the bloggers that I usually read, which makes me sad. So, if you know I read your blog/live/deadjournal or whatever or if you want me to, send me the addy at dabopgk@hotmail.com.

Krazy Kwanzaa!!!!!

Define yourself; don't let anyone else do it for you.

I'm off to Never Never Land.......

Thats a song lyric...... I can't remember the band or the name of the song. I should.... maybe it was Nirvana......

Any ways, my family and I are off to Indiana, the land of lots of corn... and wheat. Going up to see my grandparents and other fun family members such as aunts, uncles, cousins and the ultimate cute baby cousin. I'm very excited. I should be back on the 31st, just in time to go to sleep for my early 8:00 am practice on New Years. Yay for soccer!!!!!!!!!!!

I said goodbye to Mayra yesterday. She's going to Missiouri and then Ohio and then New Jersey for the holidays. She won't be back until the 8th. Its going to be a long couple of weeks.

She and I have been through some tough times for about a month. Not to much happiness. Its ok though, its getting better and I'm proud of myself for actually being able to deal with this. In the past, as soon as there was a problem, I gave up. Either that or I ignored the problems, attempting to be oblivious to everything that was going on around me. I've learned a lot; I think.

Yeah, and on a side note- I love you Danielle.

So, I'll be gone for a while, I'll try and write if I can. I won't be checking e-mail for the next couple of days, you know, the whole driving in a car for two straight days thing. No internet access. But, anyway, stay true, stay real and I'll catch up with you guys later.

Oh, and thanks for putting up with all my B.S. and you know what I mean *winks*.

I really need to learn how to talk...................

To everyone and no one. all at once.

Seems like I'm going no where, real fast
Seems like nothing is going down... its all no where
Whats the point when there is no point
Existentialism gives to much of an explantion
Seems like nothing that could be said could help
Seems like the look in my eyes means nothing
Or everything.
Or nothing.
Who knows? Does it matter?
Drama, drama, drama.
Why get involved? How is that your shit to deal with?
Or are you gathering it around you, to show you've got the biggest pile
Are you proud to always have a problem
Or do you even realize your own flaw.
Stupid tragic heros.
Giving up is not an option.
But giving in, oh yes, giving in is.
Its the one you took, the one you take.
You forget yourself my friend; you forget me.
Whatever happened to our friendship?
Whatever happened to our letters woven with grief ridden love?
You disappeared the day they found out.
You disappeared and you smacked my face.
You left a bruise on my heart.
Stupid obsession, stupid reason
Does nothing but injure.
Stupid injure.
Whats the point? How does this serve me?
Does this serve them?
Why?
So stressed out, acceptance, acceptance.
Where are you going?
Where have you been?
Where are my headphones?
When I wear them I'm invisible
Get the fuck out.
Out.
Out.
Everything else and everyone else and every and every
Random words, incomplete sentences
I'm not sure why you're still reading.
Ha. You're probably not.
What am I doing?
No idea, no idea.
I don't really care anymore.
Not one of those "I-hate-the-world" not caring
One of those, it doesn't matter any more, just because
kind of things.
Whatever.

Round Here
Counting Crows

Step out the front door like a ghost
into the fog where no one notices
the contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you
the angels get a better view
of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain,
through myself and back again.
Where? I dont know

Maria says she's dying.
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I dont know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets
the land

Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off,
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands

Sleeping children got to run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning

She says, it's only in my head.
She says, Shhh I know it's only in my head.
But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says: Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building
and says she's thinking of jumping.
She says she's tired of life;
she must be tired of something.

Round here she's always on my mind
Round here I got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early
Nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very very late

Ahw, I can't see nothin',
nothin', Round here, ohh.
Catch me if I'm fallin',
catch me if I'm fallin'
catch me cause I'm fallin' down on you.
I said I'm under the gun, Round here.
Ohh man I said I'm under the gun, Round Here.

And I can't see nothin',
nothin', Round Here...

It never seems to leave. This over pressing knowledge of being different; unique, as those who try to make the blow less harsh. Thats the craziest thing to have to deal with as an adolesecent. The fact that we aren't the same. How silly.

The thing is that each individual has to come to some kind of resolution about it. More often than not its "fuck everyone else" or "how can I change to fit in?" Neither are very viable options.

"We'll put a boot up your ass; It's the American way."

This quote was discussed in a class that I was visiting today. I was the only one, excluding the teacher, who saw it as inappropriate.

That doesn't mean that its bad to feel the other way. It just means that its different.

If someone is content where they are, who is anyone to try and change them?

As much as living in Joshua drives me nuts, each of those people are right where they need to be, even if they do pride themselves on being self proclaimed rednecks. I'm not just saying that. The boys in the class were proud say that they were and what they believed. They should be.

Different is different. Unique.

I may have found a new favorite band. Switchfoot's lyrics are spellbinding and oh so true. Rock on.

Ammunition
Switchfoot

Blame it on what you've been through
Blame it on what you're into
Blame it on your religions
Blame it on your Politicians

We've been blowing up--we're the issue
it's our condition
We've been blowing up--we're the issue
the detonation
we're ammunition
we are the fuse and ammunition

I have no generation,
Show me my motivation
One world, one desperation,
One hope and one salvation.

We've been blowin up, we¹re the issue
It's our condition
We've been blowin up we¹re the issue
the detonation?
We've been blowin up we¹re the issue
We're ammunition
We're ammunition
We're ammunition
We are the fuse and the ammunition

Look what a mess we've made of love
Look what a mess we've made,
We've got ourselves to blame
Look what a bomb we've made of love

We've been blowin up-- we're the issue
It's our condition
We've been blowin up-- we're the issue
the detonation
We've been blowin up-- we're the issue

We're ammunition
We're ammunition
We're ammunition
We are the fuse and the ammunition

Happy Birthday!!!

Yay for being 18!!!

Now I can buy cigarettes, a lotto ticket or even be tried as an adult!!!!!! I'll have to use those privlages as much as possible.

Pretty good birthday. My friends made it special for me and Cassie gave me the ugliest hat in the world. You'll all be seeing it very, very soon. I'll be wearing it at winter rally.

So, I didn't end up getting all of the cds I asked for......... Here's a list for those of you that want to know my listening habits, though I don't listen to just one type of music. I like to be defined as undefinable.

Alanis Morissette- Jagged Little Pill
Barenaked Ladies- Rock Spectacle
Ben Folds Five- Naked Baby Pictures
Better Than Erza- Deluxe
Bonnie Raitt- The Bonnie Raitt Collection
The Calling- Camino Palmero
City of Angels Soundtrack
Cold Play- Parachutes
Counting Crows- Across a Wire
Counting Crows- August and Everything After
Counting Crows- Recovering the Satellites
Dave Matthews Band- Crash
Eagle-Eye Cherry- Present Future
Everlast-Today
Fiona Apple- When The Pawn
Goo Goo Dolls- A Boy Named Goo
Guster- Keep It Together
Incubus- Make Yourself
Jewel- Pieces of You
Jimmy Eat World- Jimmy Eat World
Lauren Hill- Unplugged
Millencolin- For Monkeys
OutKast- The Love Below/Speakerboxxx
Patty Griffin- 1000 Kisses
Pink- Missundaztood
Punkarama 2
Red Hot Chili Peppers- Greatest Hits
Sarah McLachlan- Surfacing
Six Pence None the Richer- Six Pence None The Richer
Switch Foot- The Beautiful Letdown
Tracy Chapman- New Beginning
The Wallflowers- The Wallflowers
Warped Tour 2001 Comp.
White Stripes- Elephants

Yep, thats right folks- 35 cds for my birth day. Heck yeah for Half Price Books!!!! Their organization sucks the big one but their selection isn't half bad and super ass cheap.

And now that I've expanded on an amazingly materialistic venue for 20 minutes, I would like to share something not about myself!

I just want to say that I am proud of you. To both of you, all three of you really. You three girls, though I won't name you directly, have done an amazing job growing since I've met you. Your confidence has blossomed and your belief in yourself has grown tremendously. You are leaders and beaters *teehee (like music)* and I am proud to say that I have jammed with each one of you, fuzzied each one of you and found a connection so deep that I find myself thinking of your glory often. No other intentions implied, I love you for the beautiful Light that you are and I am blessed to talk to you, on the phone, in person or online, though we may do it rarely. You girls rock my socks of and this world better be ready for some hard core rockin' girls. You are an inspiration. Thank you for all that we share.

Yeah, go ahead, believe that I'm talking about you. I am. Even if you aren't one of those three that I was initially talking about, its true. You are infinite and you are grand. You can do it if you put your mind to it. I love you, I bless you and I truly appreciate you. I behold the Christ you ARE.

Namaste.

Sleep is so important. I can't stress that enough. Right now I am crabby and tense and not all that happy, craving large amounts of sugar and wishing that everything in the world wasn't crashing down on my head. I shouldn't even be writing this right now because I don't have time to eat.

Back to sleep- I am so over critical of myself right now and just because of the lack of sleep. I am much more irritable and every other not so good thing that you can think of. I feel more alone when I'm tired, more outcasted, more seperate. All because I didn't go to bed early enough last night. Wow. The power of a nap.

All I can do is play a song that truly makes me happy. Whenever your down, remember- Shake it like a polaroid picture baby!!!

Hey Ya
OutKast

[Intro]
One, two, three go!

[Verse One - Andre 3000]
My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo shooo..
Uh, But does she really wanna
But can't stand to see me
Walk ou the dooo..
Don't try to fight the feelin'
Because the thought alone is killing me right nooww..
Uh, thank god for mom and dad
For sticking through together
'Cause we don't know hooowww...
UH!

[Chorus]
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..

[Verse Two - Andre 3000]
You think you've got it
Ohh, you think you've go it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at
AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaallllll..
We've been together
Ohh, we've been together
But seperate's always better when there's feelings
InvooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOlved
If what they say is ("Nothing is forever")
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes
Then what makes, Then what makes Love the exception?
So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you are we so in denial
When we are not happy heeeerrreeee...
Y'all don't want me here you just wanna dance

[Chorus]
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (Don't want to meet your daddy, OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just want you in my Caddy OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH, don't want to meet yo' mama OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just wan't to make you cumma OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (I'm, OHH OH I'm, OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (I'm just being honest OHH OH, I'm just being honest)

[Bridge - Andre 3000]
Hey, alright now
Alright now fellas, (YEAH!)
Now what's cooler than bein' cool?
(ICE COLD!) I can't hear ya'
I say what's cooler than bein' cool?
(ICE COLD!) whooo...
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, Ok now ladies, (YEAH!)
And we gon' break this back down in just a few seconds
Now don't have me break this thang down for nothin'
Now I wanna see y'all on y'all baddest behavior
Lend me some suga', I am your neighbor ahh here we go!
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shke it, shake it like a Polaroid Picture, shake it, shake it
Shh you got to, shake it, shh shake it, shake it, got to shake it
(Shake it Suga') shake it like a Polaroid Picture

[Verse Three - Andre 3000 (Repeating "Shake it" in background)]
Now all Beyonce's and Lucy Lui's
And baby dolls, get on the floor
(Get on the floor)
You know what to dooo..
Yooooouuu.. know I do

[Chorus]
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Uh oh, Hey Ya)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Uh, uh, OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)

[Chorus continues until fade]