SSllooowwwiinnnggg doooownnnnnnnnn

Damn computer deleted my entry before this *grumble grumble*

Life here is slowing down quite a bit here. My classes are getting easier and marching band is easier. Symphonic band won't really kick off until after Christmas and neither will soccer. I'm in a lull right now and I'm loving it. I've even started to get a decent amount of sleep. I like sleep!!!

I got a car. Well, not a car, but a "mini suv" to be politically correct. Its a 96' Toyota RAV4 and its beautiful. *Grins*.

I think I'm in love wit Donovan Sneed. He is the most wonderful, kind, considerate, intelligent person I know. When we're around each other our faces light up and we brighten the room together. Or at least thats how I feel about it. He doesn't want a relationship right before he goes off to college (he's a senior) and its killing me inside. Its hard to even be around him sometimes. On the other hand, I have two girls biting at my heels wanting to date me. Becky and her friend Stephanie have decided that they both like me, a lot. Its kind of nice, and yet slightly not nice, if that makes any sense at all.

I need to sleep. I like sleep. Good night.


Out of My League
Stephen Speaks

It’s her hair and her eyes today
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that I’m falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way

All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say

Cause I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause shes all that I see and she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again.

It’s a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
As the world spins around her
She laughs, rolls her eyes
And I feel like I’m falling but it's no surprise

Cause I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But I’d rather be here than on land

And she's all that I see and she's all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again

It’s her hair and her eyes today
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that I’m falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way

All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say

Cause I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But I’d rather be here than on land

Yeah, shes all that I see and she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again.

So much to say

There is just so much going on in my life right now. Band and school and relationships and soccer and studying and lack of sleep and patience and breathing and anger and peace. There is an amazing amount of things going on in my life.

Sometimes I hate band and yet sometimes I know I couldn't live without it. Its so hard to be a leader in band. The drummers just don't want to listen to me and yet I have as much experince as anyone in the entire band. I'm only a junior but I was in band my eighth grade year so I have the knowledge of a senior. I've played just as long as Garrett, the only senior on the line, and yet I still get no respect. The freshman think they know more than I do. Its so very frusterating. On the other hand, last night was awesome. It was raining at the game so the woodwinds, the clarinets, saxs, flutes and the like, couldn't play and it was left up to the percussionists and the brass. We played all of our cadences at least four or five times. We sang and jumped around and played and it was the most fun I had ever had. It was great.

School is going decently. I'm doing a lot better in AP Bio which makes me happy beyond words. I really want to do well in that class. I need to work on AP History a little, but I can pull that up easy. History comes easily to me. AP English really isn't a challenge unless we're doing grammer and I'm working on that so that grade should be coming up. Pre-Cal is boring me and I think my teacher really dislikes me. I'm sorry if math doesn't excite me, its just so monotonous. Integrated Physics and Chemistry is the easiest class I have this year, including band, athletics and Spanish. Its a blow off class. School is going decently.

Relationship wise I'm a little confused. Josh, my ex-best friend, and I have kind of patched things up after a first couple rocky weeks of school. Its nice not to have to avoid him, especially because we have almost all of our classes together. Becky is being a bum. On Wednesday she told me she wants me to make the first move and then on Thursday, when she and I were given a chance to be by ourselves, she told me that she didn't want me to, that she didn't want a relationship. I said ok but before I left I hugged her from behind and kissed her on the top of the head. She then told one of my friends that it was the sweetest thing in the world and that she got the chills when I did it. GOD!!! Make up your mind girl!!! Analise and I are talking more and that makes me feel so much better but sometimes it makes me feel a little bit worse. I miss her friendship but I just feel amazingly weird when she talks about Daniel. It makes me feel a bit sick. Saska continues to be my saviour, I love her so much. She is such a stable person to fall back on and she knows she has that in me too, so it makes the relationship even better. And then there is Donovan. I think if I was given the chance, given two days with him, I would fall head over heels in love with him. I like him so, so much. I wish he liked me too. Daniel, not Analise's Daniel, but another Daniel I know from rally, told me Friday morning at 3:30 that he really wished that he and I could date. Daniel was drunk and he lives in Austin, so I don't know what to think about that. I think I would probably date the guy, even though he's in college and a LOT more *experinced* than I am. For that matter, I believe Becky is almost that experinced, if not as experinced. Well, that is with guys, not with girls. I really wish she would give me a chance.

Yeah, so all of those emotions are wrapped up in my life. I've had some pretty extreme emotions in the last week. I guess thats just life.

I have one more person to talk about- Casen. That boy has helped keep me sane the past couple days. Thank you Casen, even though I know you don't read this, you are a huge blessing in my life.

Never is Enough
Barenaked Ladies

What, am I to wake up suddenly and then
enroll at the local college, earn me a degree
and I could work weekends?
If I've worked real hard
I could mow your back yard

I can go to Europe, travel with my friends
I can blow a thousand deutsche marks
to get drunk in a pub with some Australians
Buy a giant backpack
sew a flag on the back

I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
You never have to do that stuff

I never had to spend a summer planting trees
I never worked my way through a forest inch by inch
doubled over on my hands and knees
I never spent a single day in retail
telling people what they want to hear
telling people anything to make a sale
Eating in the food court
with the old and the bored

I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
You never have to do that stuff

The worlds your oyster shell
But what's that funny smell
You eat the bivalve anyway
you're sick with salmonella
You get your Ph.D
How happy you will be
When you get a job at Wendy's
And are honored with employee of the month

I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
You never have to do that stuff

Sometimes it is simply to learn

We all question why we are here, why this moment in our lives are occuring. Sometimes it is simply to learn. Yes, there is drama in my life, yes, some of it is negative and yes some of it is positive. Its there, but it needs to be. I hate having to justify things to people, so, screw it. I have what I have in my life simply because it is what I need. Thank you.

Anyways, I had the most amazing experience on Friday at school. Let me just say that Friday was a good day for me, a VERY good day. Aced my bio quiz, which I studied for about an hour and a half, kicked butt in English, flirted with a beautiful girl, went to a pep rally, went to a football game, played an amazing half time show, came home and slept. It was great. But back to the main point...... at the pep rally the drumline went down onto the basketball court (the pep rallies are in the gym) and we played Unchanged, a drum cadence. It was a wonderful feeling. We stood in almost a circle, playing with all our heart and swirling around to see the screaming, jumping crowd cheering us on. We went through the song twice, jumping and drumming all at once, and when we were through the noise was deafening. So, so sweet. For those few minutes, the drumline was the coolest thing in the world. Everyone was jamming to the music that flowed from the drums that we struck with pieces of wood that we held in our hands. For that moment music brought joy to all and everyone loved what I was doing. It was acceptance, acceptance of my true self and just a moment of harmony for all. God, that was awesome.

Just thinking about that makes me smile.

I'm off to call Kaitlan so I can get a ride tomorrow to go to the TCU soccer game. I'm going to see Becky. Things are getting better *smiles*.

Good bless.

Sk8er Boy
Avril Lavigne

He was a boy, she was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?

He was a punk,she did ballet
What more can I say?

He wanted her, she'd never tell
secretly she wanted him as well.

But all of her friends stuck up there nose
they had a problem with his baggy clothes.

He was a skater boy, she said see ya later boy
he wasn't good enought for her
She had a pritty face, but her head was up in space
she needed to come back down to earth.

five years from now, she sits at home
feeding the baby
she's all alone

she turns on tv
guess who she sees
skater boy rockin' up MTV.

she calles up her friends,they already know
and they've all got tickets to see his show

she tags along and stands in the crowd
looks up at the man that she turned down.

He was a skater boy,she said see ya later boy
he wasn't good enought for her
now he's a super star
slamin' on his guitar
does your pritty face see what he's worth?

sorry girl but you missed out
well tuff luck that boys mine now

we are more than just good friends
this is how the story ends

too bad that you couldn't see
see that man that boy could be

there is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy, and i'm just a girl
can I make it anymore obvious?

we are in love, haven't you heard
how we rock eachothers world

I'm with the skater boy, I said see ya later boy
i'll be back stage after the show
i'll be at a studio
singing the song we wrote
about a girl you used to know

I need to write

First of all, let me say that I love Saska. She is so wonderful. As little as she and I talk and for as little time as we've known each other, I feel like she knows me more than anyone else. Isn't it nice to have a best friend? To bad she lives in Houston.

Becky is still leading me about in circles. I told her today that she had to pick Amy or me. Period. I think she got the point, or at least I hope so.

I'm feeling almost sick right now, though not physically. Some shit went down in athletics in the past week and a group of friends has been blown apart. Blown apart because the coaches decided to preach religion and morals to a group of girls. They called mommies and daddies. The girls aren't allowed to talk to each other, to see each other, to spend time with each other. One girl was forced to go infront of her church, repent, ask for forgivness and apologize. Friendships of 10 years have been torn apart in three days. What did they do? What can someone do that is horrible enough to deserve that??????

They kissed girls.

It makes me feel sick. I don't really know how to react. I'm not best friends with any of them, just mild friends. Girls like us group together, it makes life easier. Even though I'm not really involved, it still hurts, it still makes me feel sick.

Hate This Place
Goo Goo Dolls

The music in this song, the voice, makes it fitting for this moment.

Gone away
Who knows where you been
But you take all your lies
And wish them all away

I somehow doubt
We'll ever be the same
There's too much poison
And confusion on your face

Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin'
Nothin' you don't know

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah, I can take your lies
Until you fall away

You know I'm lost
Hiding in your bed
No, I don't think it's wrong
It's just gone to my head

Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin'
Nothin' you don't know

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Hey, whatcha do to me?
Would you come back to me?
Yeah, I can't do another day
I'm not certain of it anyway
I ain't messin' with another life
Can I get along without you?
Tell me the lies that you know I need

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Hold on dreamaway
Hold on dreamaway

Becky's Lost in Hell!!!

No, wait, thats me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Becko that is. Yeah, sweet beautiful Becky dumped me Thursday. Amy, her first girlfriend, had been writing her letters and flirting with her as soon as I showed interest in Becky. Except Amy is in love with Keri, and Keri wants me. Its just the greatest thing ever. By the way, I know all of these things to be true because 1. Amy told me about Keri 2. Keri keeps flirting with me and asking me out 3. I'm pretty sure I like Becky and 4. Becky told me she was confused and just didn't want a relationship right now because she still liked Amy, but she still liked me. Pretty damn confusing, aye?

I feel like I'm getting the raw deal here. Becky keeps asking me in a sweet voice why exactly I like her. When I answer she bows her head a little, blushes and barely looks at me. By the way girls, that drives me nuts, cute faces from a beautiful girl *YIKES*. Then, after she does the epitamy of flirting, she writes me a note telling me she doesn't want a relationship. Now, does that seem fair? No, it doesn't. I think I'm gonna just drop the whole thing.

I asked Donovan if he was attracted to me today. He flatly said no, that he is attracted to no one, but that if he ever was, I would be the first. Ok, sure, whatever you say.

I need to be secure in myself before I date someone, and I feel pretty secure in myself, but I want to be sure. No crazy dependencies.

Speaking of that, Analise and I never talk. We never write, we never communicate. It upsets me. I miss my best friend.

I'm scrolling through my songs on my computer and almost every one of them reminds me of her. We had a song once, two songs actually. Happy Together by the Turtles and Famous by Vertical Horizon. I feel a little weird listening to Happy Together nowadays. I had always wanted that to be an *our* song for me. If that makes sense.

I only think about her when it rains.........


Strawberry Wine
Deana Carter

He was working through college on my grandpa's farm
I was thirsting for for knowledge and he had a car
I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child
When one restless summer we found love growing wild
On the banks of the river on a well beaten path
Funny how those memories they last

Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like strawberry wine

I still remember when thirty was old
My biggest fear was September when he had to go
A few cards and letters and one long distance call
We drifted away like the leaves in the fall
But year after year I come back to this place
Just to remember the taste

Of strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like strawberry wine

The fields have grown over now
Years since they've seen a plow
There's nothing time hasn't touched
Is it really him or the loss of my innocence
I've been missing so much

Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like strawberry wine