"What I will say is that...

...I'll always be learning about love. I don't think you ever do stop loving a person. I think you can hate them a little. But I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them." -Uma Thurman

I'm in a place in my life where I can look back over the love that I've had, that I've shared, that I've demanded. Girls, boys, mostly girls........... I've had a passion for each, a desire to be with them; not just near them, around them, but to know them, to feel them, to understand and love them for who they are.... were.... are. They are diverse, different, dynamic people- golden and beautiful, loved and forsaken, depending on whom you talk to, what day of the week that it is. Such is life my friends.

Monumental. Life altering. Powerful. Sexy. Evolving. Passionate. Confusion. Analise. My first love. My first girl. I loved her with a mad passion, with all of me. I think that I always will. No... I'm not IN love with her but I do love. I do love the way that she smiles, that she moves. I love the way the sun illuminates her skin, emphasizing her curves and casting light onto her glorious hair. I got to see her room, her house, her hangouts, her city. I got to touch her world, to feel it and know of its existence. Austin is real. Analise is too. I know. I'm glad I know. I waited three years, three fucking years, for a day in the life of Sunshine. In the presence Sunshine. In the arms of Sunshine. It was good to hold her, if only for a passing moment. We've changed so much together, learned so much together... apart. We've truly evolved. I think we've had more good times then bad and I would hope that she would agree. Even if the numbers don't work out, the good times were amazing, astounding. I usually couldn't breathe; I was breathless in her arms, within her reach. I did a lot of crying last night or at least getting very close to it. Being around her brought so much back.... the desperation, the loneliness, the lack, the desire to be everything and anything she wanted me to, to fill her, to save her, to be with her... for her. For a long time I was that bad kind of breathless. The kind where it hurts too much to speak, to think. I couldn't bring her flowers, take her for a picnic, make out in the movies, kiss her on her door step, watch her sleep... touch her... hear her....... feel her...... know her...................... be with her..................................... It tore me apart. The want, the need to be. The impossibility of it. To know that no matter what, I couldn't suffice; we couldn't be together. It was never just us. Never just Analise and Becca. There was Ricky, Daniel, Shands. That hurt. I never understood that. It seemed that I was never good enough, never real enough and over that distance, how could I be? Love conquers distance right? Never. Not for me at least. Not for Analise and Becca. The pain was too much, the need to consuming. No one should have to love like that, feel like that and have to live without the physical. Physicality is amazingly wonderful. To touch and love and kiss and hold is so divine. To have that need, that love, that want, that passion and never to live it is stifling. I'm not that strong. Not after being broken. I held her last night, for a moment, in the now. There wasn't anyone else. Release. Pure release. I will always treasure our laughter. Always.

It’s nice to know that I don't have to walk across the street anymore.