Inducted

I, Rebecca Claire Williams, do hereby dedicate and concecrate my ablities and my service to the South Youth of Unity, to the South Region, to the International Youth of Unity and the entire Unity movement.

I did it and I'm exhausted.

I'm about to go to Europe. I'll be continuing updates here for the time while I'm there. It might take a while, I will not have the means to post for the first ten days and after that I'll only be able to do it when I am able to by random chance.

I'm going to bed. I love you.

Celeen is here!!!

Yay!!! *does happy dance*

Her being here almost makes everything better. I love being around Celeenie Beenie.

We are going to have a blast today. I'm excited.

Thank all of you who have imed me and asked if I was ok. I was surprised at how many people actually stopped to ask. I'm doing just fine, dealing with some poo, but I'll be fine. I'm sorry that I can't tell you all any more about it. Its just one of those things.

Much love and party hearty,
Bob Dole.

Yeah....

This week has been very hard. I feel like I just want to go driving. I want to just drive away out to some place where I can see the stars and breathe. Its hard to breathe right now.

Honestly, I'm doing alright, in fact, I'm just fine. I am allowing myself to feel and I am continuing to return to center. I feel very stressed, but I'm ok with that. I know that I will work through it, as will everyone else involved. I am very exhausted.

I feel lonely. I wish that I could be with someone who touched me with meaning. Not particuarly sexual, though a soft kiss would be nice, even preferable. I just wish that I could have someone hug me and not need the hug back. Someone that I could relax into for a few moments and perhaps even cry to, an exhausted cry. One of those that you feel right when you're on the edge of everything. When you are on top of the spherical pyramid waiting to totter towards one circle or the next, but not quite sure which one it is...

I like that.

I feel very uncentered right now. Someone I love very much is very very sick. So sick that I am scared of what might happen. I have a knot in my throat.

Everything has already been dealt with, the tears cried, and I'm trying just to get back on to life. I'm having a hard time focusing.

I feel like crying and the knot in my throat is making it hard to breathe.

I need to finish cleaning my room..........

Sooooooooooooo

Just got finished talking to a girl from Lima, Peru. Thats the capital by the way *teehee*. Her name is Mayra and she is great. I love talking to her. She is smart, articulate, funny, joyful and musical. And she's going to TCU in the fall. Can you say conveniently perfect?

I can.

Its nice to be able to flirt openly again. She likes me and I like her and her birthday is the day after mine!!! That means I'm older and I win. Muahahahahaha.

She can speak Spanish and English extremely well and she laughed when I told her the one Spanish sentence that I have memorized- "Mi casa es y su casa." It was pretty funny.

*Smiles* As Tiffany would say, I'm twitterpaited.

She is very pretty, but also very short. I have a slight affinity for short girls. She is catholic as well but she seems very open minded so thats no biggie. I don't care what someone believes as long as they're spiritual.

I'm really excited about this prospect. I hope that we at least go on a few dates when she moves here. I could show her around funky town. Lol, that is, after I get Shands to show me around. I have no idea where anything is in Ft. Worth *Teehee*.

Ummmm, I need to talk to Donovan. I still haven't talked to him yet this summer. Wait, yes I have, once online for ten minutes. Still, he and I need to talk.

Yes, I did tell her about Donovan, for those of you that wanted to know.

Jingle Bells
a.k.a. The Song Becca Always Has Stuck In Her Head besides Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Jingle bells, Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun
It is to ride
In a one horse slopin' slay
Hey!

Jingle bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way

Help = Service

At least it does to me, so any time I say I want to help, please interpret it as I want to serve. My sentences will sound so less akward this way.

I have always been a go to person. I have always been the kind of person that everyone flocks to and vents to. I don't mind, I enjoy it most of the time. It makes me feel useful. I digress. Because people often come to me for help I have geared my conversation skills towards helping them open up. I've basically turned my conversation skills into my question skills. I ask and ask until the other person figures out enough to resolve it in themselves. In the process of this I get to learn a large amount about the other person and how the work. I love it. Its fun, its interesting. I learn from their mistakes and their travels and it is an amazing thing. I love doing it.

I listened to three people vent tonight, and I think I helped two of them. It is great knowing that I can be there for them, that I can be a shoulder for them to rest on.

I think Danielle thinks I'm a robot. I don't know why but it seems that I freak her out. I don't mean to, by any means. I feel bad about it. I think I'm going to stop talking to her. It will take away the weirdness at least.

No one has ever told me that me asking questions makes them uncomfortable. I don't think I have ever made people feel weird. Maybe I have and they just don't tell me. If I make you uncomfortable, just tell me. I don't mind adjusting.

Lonely

I feel very lonely right now. I miss being intimate with someone, specifically with someone who is attracted to me and who I am attracted to. I would really love to be in a relationship now but I don't know how I would find someone to date. To be honest I don't know if I'll be able to find anyone who I really really want to date. I know two girls who I would love to date, but both don't traditonally like girls and both live really far away.

Both of them are smart, spiritual and enlightening. They are a joy to be around and their natural beauty is enhanced by thousands when they simply speak. I wish I could find a girl who is amazing as they are.

Oh well.

Last Beautiful Girl
Matchbox 20

This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back

Now every fool in town would've left by now
I can't replace all the wasted days
The memory of your face - can't help thinkin'

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

Tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way
This all went down - you needed to find your space

You needed to still be friends
Needed me to
Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together you'd comfort me
Tell me but forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

It's over now - and I've gone without
Cuz you're everybody else's girl
It seems to me - you'll always be
Everyone else's girl
Everyone else's girl

This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And all the words we said
We can't take back

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last...

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

The last beautiful girl in the world
You are the last beautiful girl in the world
Beautiful girl

Crutch
Matchbox 20

I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from down
I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from...

Man I feel like hell so come on over
Be a love machine and I could be your friend
Ain't no shame feel strong for one another
Make a real true color come end to end then
God damn, change of pace
I think there's still a piece of my heart on your face
It's a shame to let it waste
How does it taste? How does it taste?

Break it down in pieces, make it simple
'Cause you know damn well that I'm a simple man
All these things go changing like the weather
And they stay that way until the weather man says
One down, gone to waste
I think there's still a piece of that smile on your face
And I would like to see it erased
There ain't no two ways about it

I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from down
I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from down, down, down

Bring it on then gone, use a lover
Like a cigarette the way that lovers do
One sweet song that starts a little slow and
Then goes on and on and makes you want to
Move around the room in circles
Everybody wants to be you
Try to find my place up on the map
Of all men you've been through
Dig a little deeper and you'll realize
All I'm building up you're tearing down

I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from down
I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from down, down, down, down, down

All you needed was a crutch
One step away from down
I could never be your crutch
I could break you down

I don't want to be the crutch
I don't want to be the crutch
I don't want to be the crutch
One step away from...

I feel like I could scream

*Breathes*

Once again, I am centered, I am content.

*Breathes*

If I Am
Nine Days

So you're standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall
Its so far down
Or maybe you were thinkin about jumpin
Now you could have it all
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly
I'm not content to crawl
So give me a little credit
Have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever
If tomorrow's not too late
But its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
You should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises today

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you're walkin on the edge
And you wait your turn to fall
But you're so far gone
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you
And you could find the fault
In the heart that you've been handed
For though you cannot fly
You're not content to crawl
And its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
But we should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises

If I am
Another waste of everything you hoped for
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you're standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

The answers we find
Are never what we had in mind
So we make it up as we go along
You don't talk of dreams
When i won't mention tomorrow
And we won't make those promises we can't keep

I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down

What would you do with a purple hippopotamus?

I had a really great conversation with Celeen last night. She and I always seem to talk of the spiritual and I love it.

I also talked to Analise for an hour or so last night, but she had to go because her jaw was swelling. She had her wisdom teeth out Monday and she's still feeling the pain. Poor girl. She and I talked about the things that are going down between us and I'm glad to say that I've basically got all of my side worked out and of course she's had her side worked out since August. Honestly, the choice to be over with this is mine and I'm actively seeking it. I'm pretty sure I'll be cool with this by bi-regi.

Some times I wish she wasn't so abrupt.

I was cleaning out my room yesterday and I came across so many memories. I write, alot, and I've found things from freshman year, from my first London trip, from my first conference. It was really amazing to look how I had progressed, in emotion and in penmanship lol.

I'm thinking about calling Erin up. I know she's going to be in Cleburne a lot for the last few weeks and I would like to see her again. I feel like she and I have a lot of things unresolved.

I miss having intimacy with someone. I miss being able to snuggle and to hug. I really wish that I could find someone who enjoyed being around me and didn't mind me touching them. I really wish I could find a girlfriend. Its not that I have to have one or that I feel depleted without one, its just that it would be nice to have someone to talk to and flirt with. I'm not in dire need but its not like I don't want one.

I have been trying to find out the name of this song for years *does a happy dance* I love this song, it kicks.

Whatever
Splender

And you're primative
And you're cynical to me
And I chewed down on the bit
And almost swallowed it

You sit all alone with your color TV
Your hair starts to glisten
In spite of the fleas
We don't have to stay friends
Let's pretend to be enemies

Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful
Yeah, whatever leaves you satisfied
'Cuz I'm out of time
For now

And you're paraniod
As you look me up and down
And I'm soaked in gasoline
Mud and ice cream

You sit by the the phone
With your tongue hanging out
You cradle the flies in the back of your mouth
We don't have to stay friends
Let's pretend to be enemies

Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful
Yeah, whatever leaves you satisfied
'Cuz I'm out of time

Damned if you do
F**ked if you don't
Damned if you do
What if you won't?

Damned if you do
F**ked if you don't
Damned if you do
What

You must be aware of what you're
Doing to me
We sunk like a stone on a rock
In the sea

We don't have to stay friends
(Not for very long)
We don't have to stay friends
(Just because you're gone)

Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful
Yeah, whatever leaves you satisfied
You get what you want 'cuz you won't let it die

Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever leaves you insecure
Yeah, whatever seems to break you down
'Cuz I'm out of time
But I'm feeling fine

Analise

When I started writing this response to you in my head, I started my first sentence with the word "Baby". Obviously, I'm not over you, and I know it. I'm still trying to deal with the reprucussions of my actions during the last year and I'm still trying to sort out those feelings. You know that, you always have. Its not something new. You also have to realize that what I write are my own feelings, my own perceptions which are tainted with my own prejudices. Everyone who you and I have ever talked to about our relationship knows that I had unfair expectations of you and of us. I won't try to hide that, its true. A lot of those feelings that I wrote about that pertained to you also come from my own expectations, which have already been sited as being a large part unfair. I'm trying to deal with the fact that what I expected wasn't love, but obssesion and unhealthy. I'm also dealing with the fact that I can't define love. You don't have anything to do with that. I'm not going to say that there weren't times when I needed you that you weren't there, because there were. There were times that you did turn me away and I don't feel as if that was fair. There were also times that you comforted me and loved me with all your heart. Don't take what I write so seriously. I'm not saying that you don't need to work on being more giving, because as your friend I will tell you that you do. I'm saying to let my words be words and realize that I am simply working out my own feelings, which are tainted by my preconcieved notions and other things that I have experinced. They are not your responsibility or anything of the sort. I love you girl, deeply, as a friend, and I would never write anything to hurt you. I'm just trying to serve myself.

Becca

For Celeen

I promised Celeen I would look this up and post it again for her. Its from one of my past blogs. Enjoy, I hope I make you blush.

[7/1/2002 6:57:35 PM | Rebecca Williams]
I'm really horny today. Really horny.

You know, I thought for about twenty minutes before deciding to post that statement on here. Why? Because in today's society its taboo to mention the fact that we are sexually oriented beings. Seriously, to talk/think/act on or about sex is a horrible thing. However, and I find this amazingly strange, our entire society is based upon SEX. Sexual orientation, sexual attraction, sexual feelings, who's attracted to who, who screwed who, who's in love with who, and yet, its socially incorrect to mention anything past the normal gutteral grunts of- she's pretty, he's cute, nice body. Why is sex given such a negative connotation? It doesn't make sense. Of course, stds are rampant, sex is an emotional commitment, sex is human beings at their most basic instincts, but does that make it something negative? Does that make it "bad"? I don't think so. Sex is a completely natural occurance. Its not something "new" that someone worked up in a warped manner. It isn't something innappropriate. Without sex, we as a human race would cease to exist. We seem to enjoy sex so much that we've OVERpopulated the earth. Thats where homosexuals and bi-sexuals come in. Josh and I (a long, long time ago) thought about this and decided that we are natures cure to the overpopulation of a species. Because we have little or no desire to have intercourse with a member of the opposite sex we're obviously not reproducing, a feeble attempt to control the world population. Wow. I just wrote an ass load of stuff on sex. How fun and slightly contraversal!!!

I bet you I've embarressed someone by writing this. I might have embarressed myself lol, but why do I care? Its not like anythings going to happen about it.

I'm still horny.

Vanessa Loves Ya: whats up
dabopgk: not much
dabopgk: got smacked with a fence today
Vanessa Loves Ya: ay?
dabopgk: well, actually, it fell on top of my head
Vanessa Loves Ya: hows that
dabopgk: we're putting up new fence because our old one is falling down everywhere and i was helping ben lift a panel of fencing up on to the ledge we were going to set it on and i set my side up really quickly and let go because i thought it was stable, and well, it wasn't
dabopgk: it knocked the shit out of me and knocked me over
Vanessa Loves Ya: lol, im so sorry!
dabopgk: i have two huge ass bumps on my head, one on my cheek bone and one above my temple, a huge scratch going from under my eye down to the bottom of my nose and my mom says i'm going to have a bruise
dabopgk: well, after everything stopped spinning and i slept for five hours i thought it was pretty funny lolVanessa Loves Ya: oh my gosh
Vanessa Loves Ya: you probably look like you were beat up
dabopgk: yeah, my mom said if we dropped another fence on the other side of my face that i would look oriental
Vanessa Loves Ya: lol
Vanessa Loves Ya: how sweet
dabopgk: i know it *does the half chinese face dance*
dabopgk: (kind of like a rain dance)
Vanessa Loves Ya: oh wow, you'll have to show me that at bi-regi
dabopgk: of course!!! i'll make a point to do that
dabopgk: make it part of my regi speech even
Vanessa Loves Ya: there ya go!
Vanessa Loves Ya: good idea, lol
dabopgk: i'll be like, bu dum chhhh
dabopgk: and then this dance goes out to vanessa
Vanessa Loves Ya: YEA!
Vanessa Loves Ya: lol
dabopgk: ch chine chineessseeeee face dance *spins in circles on one leg while hopping*

Ouch

We're putting in a new fence. An entire row of fence hit me in the face. I have two bumps, a bruise and a four inch scrape down the left side of my face.

I want to run to someone, have them baby me and be sweet to me. I wish I hade a girlfriend...

Feelings

It seems as if everyone is talking about feelings lately, myself included. My feelings towards Analise, myself, my parents, my brothers, my friends, my ex-significant others, my current boyfriend and even my cat. Its craziness.

I had a kick ass time with Shands the last few days. We did the service project together on Saturday and then went downtown Saturday night which was awesome. Today we did the whole Youth Sunday thing where we played together and other various things and then we hung out at his house and made dumb bets and cut things out of magazines. It was a blast.

Shands is truly one of my best friends. I love the way we are so open with each other and the fact that not only can I check out girls with him, but that he loves it when he and I check out girls together. He and I noticed when we were walking around downtown that what I wear portrays accurately the fact that I am attracted to girls. The way I walk, talk, act, anything and everything, defines me as bi. Its just who I am I guess. Oh, wait, back to me saying how much I love Shands lol. I love Shands. He and I can talk so freely between each other, talk about everything in our lives and its all good, nothing is to weird. Its just always perfect with him.

I went to a wedding on Saturday before I hung out with Shands. It was at the church that I used to attend before I went to Unity back in the day of 2nd grade. It was strange to sit in the chapel and listen to the sermon given by my former minister. It was strange to look at the simple stained glass windows that I once thought were so ornate. It was strange to think that I will not be having a cermony like that. That I was thinking that I didn't want to have only bridesmaids but I want to all of my friends involved. That I was not going to be marrying a boy, but a girl. I was wondering what we would wear. I was wondering if I ever even want to get married. I don't know that I do. It was just very interesting and on the whole left me feeling quite well. The only part that hurt was when I thought of my parents.

My mom doesn't realize sometimes how much she hurts me. She says stupid things about my sexuality, not meaning to be rude or hurtful and yet it cuts me so deep. I think one of the reasons I'm still with Donovan is the fact that I don't have to fight with my mom about it anymore. When Megan and I were dating, I offered to take both my mom and Megan to a play and to get ice cream. My mom said she wasn't going to go because Megan was a girl. She and I got in a huge fight and I went and picked up Megan. My mom showed up at the theater and was mildly nice. Afterwards she shortened my curfew and left immediatly. It hurt so badly. She doesn't realize that even though she supports me in band, in academics, in YOU, the one that matters the most, the that the most people don't support me in, is the one she can't bear to think about and the one she can't support. To reiterate, it hurts.

I reread half of Magic's Pawn and I miss Josh. I miss my gay friend. I miss having someone I can talk to about stuff like that. I read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower today, bought it last night. Buy it. Anyways, there is a gay character named Patrick in it. I connected a lot with him. The hurt and pain and confusion. Sometimes it just becomes so normal, isn't that horrible, the fact that pain becomes normal? That it follows you day to day just because you're something society deems as a mistake? It is, even if you don't think so.

I remember in intermediat school that there was this kid named Thad. Thad was a jerk. He made fun of everyone but especially of me. I think it was because I stood up for myself. I digress. The point is, one day, Thad told me that god had made a mistake when he made me. I didn't know I liked girls then, but if I had I think I would have completely broken down. At that point I just said he was stupid and he should leave me alone.

I'd like you to know that later, in middle school, Thad moved. A year or so ago, a friend gave me Thad's im and he and I talked. We resolved our issues and forgave each other. I'm truly glad we did.

The point is that there is still this fear in me that I am not perfect and that I am completely composed of sin and that I am going to burn in a fiery hell. Ok, actually, I don't worry about those last to all that much, but I do worry about the first one at least once a month. Enough for it to be a present issue. Its hard when the people around you love you but think you're going to hell. Its hard when you talk about who you like or past relationships and you see their faces actually mellow with realization and pain. It doesn't sound possible, but it is.

Last night, downtown, was so awesome. It was so great. There were so many people from so many different backrounds and religions and beliefs and everything. It was so different from Joshua, from this vanilla that I live in. There was enough abnormalities that the abnormalities were no long the minorities, but were acceptable. To just be accepted, fully accepted without fear, that is a great feeling.

We had Youth Sunday today and Ed, our new minister, talked about various different things, but there was one that stuck with me. He asked why we come to Unity and his answer for that is because we are seen as whole children of god. And it is true. There have been many times when I thought that my own ideology conflicted with that of Unity and I thought it would be best if I just stopped attending YOU in general but I couldn't. I couldn't because it was only through YOU and in YOU that I was seen as worthy, as whole, as me. Thank you those of you who have been there for me, those of you that have been what I have been through, those painful self discoveries. Thank god for YOU.

Sometimes it feels as if someone always wants something from me, like people have become dependent on me. I just get this weird feeling sometimes like people are putting me on a pedestal, making me more than I am, when I am truly wonderful just being Becca and chilling.

Lol. Those of you who are going to be at bi-regi, I hope you realize that the majority of what I 'm talking about in my speech has been written on here. Please don't get to bored with it, it truly does come from the heart, I've just been contemplating it forever.

When I was driving Shands home Saturday night we talked about Analise. Yeah, I'm till trying to deal with that. I said the same things that I have to all the other people I've talked to her about- I don't want her but I'm in love with her. And then, I began to really think about why I miss her, and what I want that I have not yet recieved from that situation. I told Shands that the thing that I miss the most about my relationship with Analise was what I never had with her. I never had full out support from her. I rarely had someone who I could talk to without me feeling guilty for taking up her time. I never had someone who would stop whatever they were doing when I was in need just to listen to me. I was never put first, I was never really praised. I felt as if I was there to obsess over her, to praise her, to declare my love in poems and songs and letters, but not to recieve. And a lot of that was probably my perception. A lot of that was me wanting to much or demanding what she couldn't do. It still feels that way though.

I thought about it more after I said those things Saturday night and I realized that I still hadn't forgiven myself for what I had done to Analise. I was horrible and I know I was and I feel guilty as hell for what I did to her. She did not deserve the things that I said or the things that I did. It makes me feel sick even thinking about it. It really does.

So basically, I need to stop having these crazy expectations of what should have happened and what she should be doing and I need to forgive myself. I'm going to work on those for a while. Who knows how long it will take......

I feel pretty centered right now, I'm feeling pretty good. I feel content. I think I'm ready. I just have to remember to do this all for me, not for anyone else. I have to live for me.

This reminds me of the movie Almost Famous with the shy boy and the dazziling girl. Once again, buy this book, its worth it.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Stephen Chbosky

About half a mile from the tunnel, Sam stopped the car, and I climbed in back. Patrick played the radio really loud so I could hear it, and as we were approaching the tunnel, I listened to the music and thought about all the things that people have said to me over the past year. I thought about Bill telling me I was special. And my sister saying she loved me. And my mom, too. And even my dad and brother when I was in the hospital. I thought about Patrick calling me his friend. And I thought about Same telling me to do things. To really be there. And I just thought how grat it was to have friends and family.

As we went into the tunnel, I didn't hold up my arms like I was Flying. I just let the wind rus over my face. And I started crying and smiling at the same time. Because I couldn't help feeling just how much I loved my aunt Helen for buying me tow presents. And how much I wanted the present I bought my mom for my birthday to be really special. And how much I wanted my sister and brother and Sam and Patrick and everyone else to be happy.

But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very awar of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not carring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.