Feelings

It seems as if everyone is talking about feelings lately, myself included. My feelings towards Analise, myself, my parents, my brothers, my friends, my ex-significant others, my current boyfriend and even my cat. Its craziness.

I had a kick ass time with Shands the last few days. We did the service project together on Saturday and then went downtown Saturday night which was awesome. Today we did the whole Youth Sunday thing where we played together and other various things and then we hung out at his house and made dumb bets and cut things out of magazines. It was a blast.

Shands is truly one of my best friends. I love the way we are so open with each other and the fact that not only can I check out girls with him, but that he loves it when he and I check out girls together. He and I noticed when we were walking around downtown that what I wear portrays accurately the fact that I am attracted to girls. The way I walk, talk, act, anything and everything, defines me as bi. Its just who I am I guess. Oh, wait, back to me saying how much I love Shands lol. I love Shands. He and I can talk so freely between each other, talk about everything in our lives and its all good, nothing is to weird. Its just always perfect with him.

I went to a wedding on Saturday before I hung out with Shands. It was at the church that I used to attend before I went to Unity back in the day of 2nd grade. It was strange to sit in the chapel and listen to the sermon given by my former minister. It was strange to look at the simple stained glass windows that I once thought were so ornate. It was strange to think that I will not be having a cermony like that. That I was thinking that I didn't want to have only bridesmaids but I want to all of my friends involved. That I was not going to be marrying a boy, but a girl. I was wondering what we would wear. I was wondering if I ever even want to get married. I don't know that I do. It was just very interesting and on the whole left me feeling quite well. The only part that hurt was when I thought of my parents.

My mom doesn't realize sometimes how much she hurts me. She says stupid things about my sexuality, not meaning to be rude or hurtful and yet it cuts me so deep. I think one of the reasons I'm still with Donovan is the fact that I don't have to fight with my mom about it anymore. When Megan and I were dating, I offered to take both my mom and Megan to a play and to get ice cream. My mom said she wasn't going to go because Megan was a girl. She and I got in a huge fight and I went and picked up Megan. My mom showed up at the theater and was mildly nice. Afterwards she shortened my curfew and left immediatly. It hurt so badly. She doesn't realize that even though she supports me in band, in academics, in YOU, the one that matters the most, the that the most people don't support me in, is the one she can't bear to think about and the one she can't support. To reiterate, it hurts.

I reread half of Magic's Pawn and I miss Josh. I miss my gay friend. I miss having someone I can talk to about stuff like that. I read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower today, bought it last night. Buy it. Anyways, there is a gay character named Patrick in it. I connected a lot with him. The hurt and pain and confusion. Sometimes it just becomes so normal, isn't that horrible, the fact that pain becomes normal? That it follows you day to day just because you're something society deems as a mistake? It is, even if you don't think so.

I remember in intermediat school that there was this kid named Thad. Thad was a jerk. He made fun of everyone but especially of me. I think it was because I stood up for myself. I digress. The point is, one day, Thad told me that god had made a mistake when he made me. I didn't know I liked girls then, but if I had I think I would have completely broken down. At that point I just said he was stupid and he should leave me alone.

I'd like you to know that later, in middle school, Thad moved. A year or so ago, a friend gave me Thad's im and he and I talked. We resolved our issues and forgave each other. I'm truly glad we did.

The point is that there is still this fear in me that I am not perfect and that I am completely composed of sin and that I am going to burn in a fiery hell. Ok, actually, I don't worry about those last to all that much, but I do worry about the first one at least once a month. Enough for it to be a present issue. Its hard when the people around you love you but think you're going to hell. Its hard when you talk about who you like or past relationships and you see their faces actually mellow with realization and pain. It doesn't sound possible, but it is.

Last night, downtown, was so awesome. It was so great. There were so many people from so many different backrounds and religions and beliefs and everything. It was so different from Joshua, from this vanilla that I live in. There was enough abnormalities that the abnormalities were no long the minorities, but were acceptable. To just be accepted, fully accepted without fear, that is a great feeling.

We had Youth Sunday today and Ed, our new minister, talked about various different things, but there was one that stuck with me. He asked why we come to Unity and his answer for that is because we are seen as whole children of god. And it is true. There have been many times when I thought that my own ideology conflicted with that of Unity and I thought it would be best if I just stopped attending YOU in general but I couldn't. I couldn't because it was only through YOU and in YOU that I was seen as worthy, as whole, as me. Thank you those of you who have been there for me, those of you that have been what I have been through, those painful self discoveries. Thank god for YOU.

Sometimes it feels as if someone always wants something from me, like people have become dependent on me. I just get this weird feeling sometimes like people are putting me on a pedestal, making me more than I am, when I am truly wonderful just being Becca and chilling.

Lol. Those of you who are going to be at bi-regi, I hope you realize that the majority of what I 'm talking about in my speech has been written on here. Please don't get to bored with it, it truly does come from the heart, I've just been contemplating it forever.

When I was driving Shands home Saturday night we talked about Analise. Yeah, I'm till trying to deal with that. I said the same things that I have to all the other people I've talked to her about- I don't want her but I'm in love with her. And then, I began to really think about why I miss her, and what I want that I have not yet recieved from that situation. I told Shands that the thing that I miss the most about my relationship with Analise was what I never had with her. I never had full out support from her. I rarely had someone who I could talk to without me feeling guilty for taking up her time. I never had someone who would stop whatever they were doing when I was in need just to listen to me. I was never put first, I was never really praised. I felt as if I was there to obsess over her, to praise her, to declare my love in poems and songs and letters, but not to recieve. And a lot of that was probably my perception. A lot of that was me wanting to much or demanding what she couldn't do. It still feels that way though.

I thought about it more after I said those things Saturday night and I realized that I still hadn't forgiven myself for what I had done to Analise. I was horrible and I know I was and I feel guilty as hell for what I did to her. She did not deserve the things that I said or the things that I did. It makes me feel sick even thinking about it. It really does.

So basically, I need to stop having these crazy expectations of what should have happened and what she should be doing and I need to forgive myself. I'm going to work on those for a while. Who knows how long it will take......

I feel pretty centered right now, I'm feeling pretty good. I feel content. I think I'm ready. I just have to remember to do this all for me, not for anyone else. I have to live for me.

This reminds me of the movie Almost Famous with the shy boy and the dazziling girl. Once again, buy this book, its worth it.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Stephen Chbosky

About half a mile from the tunnel, Sam stopped the car, and I climbed in back. Patrick played the radio really loud so I could hear it, and as we were approaching the tunnel, I listened to the music and thought about all the things that people have said to me over the past year. I thought about Bill telling me I was special. And my sister saying she loved me. And my mom, too. And even my dad and brother when I was in the hospital. I thought about Patrick calling me his friend. And I thought about Same telling me to do things. To really be there. And I just thought how grat it was to have friends and family.

As we went into the tunnel, I didn't hold up my arms like I was Flying. I just let the wind rus over my face. And I started crying and smiling at the same time. Because I couldn't help feeling just how much I loved my aunt Helen for buying me tow presents. And how much I wanted the present I bought my mom for my birthday to be really special. And how much I wanted my sister and brother and Sam and Patrick and everyone else to be happy.

But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very awar of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not carring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.