There is just too much going on, to many thoughts, to many things that I need to do. I'm tired of dealing with people. I'm tired of dealing with my mom, with Josh, with everyone who needs just a little bit more of me. ARGH.

I'm sick, physically sick and everything that keeps falling on my head is starting to make me feel even worse, except for physiologically.

What if I don't get into Mount Holyoke? What about the Tuition Exchange? Even after the Tuition Exchange I'm going to be accountable for $40,000 dollars!!!! My parents just keep reminding me of that and my mom won't stop whining to me about everything my brother and I do.

I'm not a good friend, I'm not a good person, I'm just an asshole. You know what? Screw that. I'm doing the best I can and if you don't like it, you don't have to hang out with me. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying that I can't do better right now.

I'm going to miss a soccer game which might suspend me from playing in the only play off game that my team has ever been involved in. I'm going to miss the game because I'm going to be in Denver planning Bi-Regi with the rest of the South and Central Teams. I can't change it, I can't work around it, I already fucking tried. There are no options, there is no second chance. I have to put YOU first and I know it.

If I end up not getting what I need to go into Mount Holyoke or Bard I'm going into Americorps instead. I'm not going to TCU. I'm not going through the whole Joshua High School shit again.

I am so angry at Josh right now I could punch him in the face. I want to actually which kind of scares me because I don't think I am usually a violent person.

There is just too much going on.

I have band UIL Solo and Ensemble this weekend as well as another competition later that day.

We have to beat Southwest tomorrow night to make it into playoffs that I might not get to play in and my mom is threatening to not let me play because I'm sick.

I'm so worried about college and soccer and YOU that I think it's making me worse.

I know I should just release this to god, to energy, to Self. I'm going to try to.

It’s hard to breathe now. Its hard to not feel this tightness in my chest, this overwhelming need to curl up in a tight little ball and gasp for a moment of solace.

The only thing I have going for me right now is K.C. She's wonderful. She's amazing. The only person that’s really been able to help me just be has been her. She is everything that I've been looking for and I'm not even kidding. She is intelligent, she can communicate effectively and she is beautiful. She makes me melt.

Lol, yeah, I know that communicate effectively bit sounds awkward, but I think that’s the best part. That is what I have been missing since Analise, in every one of my relationships. I finally have found a relationship based upon mutual respect, on equality. I'm not better than her and she isn't better than me. We recognize each other as people, as equals. That hasn't happened before. Either they were way better than I was or it was the opposite. It is quite nice.

Yikes. I don't know. I'll live through this, I'll be fine. I just wish that I could be ok with it right now. And I can.

I have choice.