*RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Yay for Monty Python.

So, I've been thinking about the college stuff a lot and I'm not sure that I know what I'm doing. Am I just trying to *ahem* run away from all of my problems? It just seems like my life in Joshua has been consumed with so much hurt and pain; I deserve to be done with it some time.... right? Or, I guess coming from a Unity standpoint, whenever I decide that I'm over it. Its hard though.

Right now I'm down to just a few colleges. They're in New York, Mass. (can't spell it *teehee*) and California. So, so far away from everything I know. I've never even been to those states, I might as well be going to another country!

I don't want to lose the friends that I have. If I go to college in one of those states I'll get to see my Texas friends and family two, mayb three times a year. Shands and Vanessa and Mayra and everyone........ I don't want to lose them just so I can go to a really good college. Does that make sense? Am I just having doubts?

Mayra is playing more of a part in this then I thought she would. I care about her an amazing amount. I've never connected with anyone on this level before. She's going to TCU next year........... should I? Vanessa is too and Shands and Analise are going to be right down the road in Austin. When I'm in college I can take a road trip whenever I want, but not a four day road trip. Is it worth loosing my friendships?

My parents seem to disaprove of this so much. They want me close to home, they want me at TCU. I don't like not being what they want me to be. I'm already a huge disappointment in one huge area- sexuality- I don't want to hurt them again.

I need to do what is best for me, but I don't know what is best for me. I can't think what to do. I want out but I want everyone to come with me. I want to be free but I can't be free without the people who freed me. I don't want to lose Shands. I don't want to lose Vanessa. I don't want to lose my YOU chapter and my YOU friends. I don't want to lose Mayra.

I don't want to lose Zack. I love him so much.

I don't know what to do..............

Headphones
Rebecca Williams

I walk down these halls alone
As I walk I weave through the crowd
My headphones on, hugging myself
The don't see me, or they don't want to
I don't want them to
Not past the headphones
Not past the rally shirts and the made up smiles
I sit in my classes alone
As I tilt my head to see around theirs
My headphones on, hugging myself
They don't know me, or they don't want to
I don't want them to
Not past the headphones
Not past the funny jokes and the thankful goodbyes
I want all or nothing
I want to be free
To be free to fly and free to soar
They hold my freedom
But only because I let them
No lying anymore
Full weight out
Out to truth
Out to freedom