becoming something
RCW

It seemed as if there was hope once.
I had hoped that these thoughts would
at sometime become something, someone,
an Us.
The words tumbled out of my mouth
Let go, let go, let go.
Hoping and praying as they came out
that you would deny them, smite them,
send them flying away from us and out,
away from my thoughts and
banishing my nightmares.

Before those words, it seemed as if there
was something to work towards,
a possibility of something, someone,
of Us.
I could imagine it, hold it in my mind
roll around thoughts of waking up next to
you.
Of having that feeling everyday.
It was a goal to work towards, a problem to be solved
or, as you would say, a situation to be explored.

My thoughts, my nightmares, my dreams
all of them (or at least most) revolved around
something becoming something, becoming someone,
becoming Us.
You were there every night as I slept,
some specter of you found its way into my dreams.
You were there but absent, real but beyond reach,
every night, you were there, whether I wanted you
there or not (though, most nights, I assure you I did)

Those words came out, tumbling, stumbling
off of my tongue, through my teeth and out of my mouth,
silently, stupidly, defensively destroying the possibility
of something turning into someone, into something,
into Us.
‘I’ve been thinking about a lot of the same things.
I think you’re right.’
Let go. let go. let go.
Silently, stupidly, defensively I say goodbye,
while thoughts, nightmares and dreams remain,
your specter finding me while I sleep.
You were there, I felt you.
And though you are not gone,
it still seemed
as if there
was
hope.
once.