I guess I'm just looking for someone to share this with...

This is the first bout of homesickness, the first deeply felt one at least. I've been here for five weeks and I feel really alone.

I miss Shands. I miss him so much. I'm crying as I write this. I don't know how better to explain how much I miss my Brother. No coffee shop, no carrot, no hanging out in my car, screaming at the top of our lungs to Jimmy Eat World or Ben Folds Five. I miss talking about girls. I miss him.

I miss my parents. At least I knew everyday when I would come home I could tell my Mom about my day. My dad and I would talk politics and sports and college. I would get a hug. I miss that. I miss them. I miss Zack. Crazy kid. His randomness, his jokes, him riding next to me in my car. I love him and I miss him.

I miss my band, my pit, my M-Pulse Drumline. I miss playing.

I was thinking today, walking to soccer practice, about Rose. She's gone now, almost nonexistant excluding my thoughts. We had something intense and amazing but it seems as if I was replaced or that at least, for a little while, I held someone else's place and that they've come back to retreave it. Regardless, I was thinking about it, about the moments that we shared, the eight hour phone conversations where we went through every little moment of our days, of our lives and just held it, honored it, the feelings and the emotions of it all. How we worked it out together. I realized that what I really wanted now was someone to share this with. Someone to talk to, to really talk to. To snuggle and hold and be with, in a loving sense, not in a platonic or romatic sense. Someone to share these moments with.

I left home, my family, my friends, my soul mate brother to come here. I came here to be free and I finally am, free to fly, free to soar, but I don't have someone to share it with. Not yet at least. Not yet at least.

I will though. I will.

AFI is definitely not good study music. Just so you know.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

- Margery Williams, "The Velveteen Rabbit"

You and I Both
Jason Mraz

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words.