Decisions, Questions and Ponderings

Decisions- Choosing classes, drum major/drumline capitan/simply playing, drum major/regi, write in blogger/do math homework.

Questions- Do I have enough time to be a drum major? Do I have enough time to be a regi if I'm not drum major? Do I want to play soccer in college? If I don't want to play soccer in college do I want to be regi in college? What does my heart/soul/mind want? What do they need? Am I who I want to be? Could I do better? How can I help?

Ponderings- Analise. Megan. Erin. Donovan. Saska. Drumline. War. Me.

If any of you actually know me, or even if you just randomly read this, you must have noticed that when I think I become very quiet, very subdued and even more introverted. I feel very subdued about everything right now.

I've got all of my classes figured out, well, that is unless I want to be drum major and I actually make drum major. Then I have to change my schedule so that I can be in Wind Studies for half a year and then Percussive Studies for the second half of the year. Before Mayra talked to me today I wouldn't have even had to think about that. She told me that she wants me to try out for drum major and that other people want me to as well. To add on to that, my mother has been bugging me about being either drum major or capitan. I want to play, but I want to direct. I want to just go and be, but then leadership runs in my blood. Grrhhh. Also, I know for a fact that I can not be drum major and regi. It is simply not physically possible. So then comes another decision: do I want to play soccer in college? Could I be a regi in college and play soccer and take honor courses? And then, if I decided I want to run for International, could I do it my sophomore year of college? It's insane that I have to plan three years ahead of myself.

The questions are self explanitory. They are questions for gosh sakes!!!

Now for the ponderings..... I guess I'll just go in order-

Analise- Her name springs into my mind at least once a day, but not in such a way that it would be thought of as romantic or *lovingly*. I miss talking to her, having those deep conversations; so many of the things in my life were scented with her memory and they still smell of her love. Every time she and I talk we trade of double meanings and subtle flirtatious remarks. We've both told each other that we wouldn't date each other right now, the main reasons being distance and the fact we're both taken. She told me that shes going to come to visit TCU soon, just her, and she wants to hang out with me, just me. I don't know what to think about that. Though I have no illusions that she means that we should "hang out" or have anything of any romantic nature happen, I still don't know that I could be alone with her and not feel an amazingly strong pull towards something of that fashion. To me having time completely alone with her sounds like a challenge of strength for the two of us, though we wouldn't be competing against each other. I don't know how to explain it I guess. It would be very interesting.

Megan- Things are kind of rocky right now. I'm going to call her as soon as I'm done writing all of this stuff. I think I've figured out whats going on, or maybe it is better to say that I've finally found the words to describe it. I've been open with her so she is closer to me and feels a greater connection to me. She hasn't been as open with me so I don't feel as closer to her and I don't feel as great a connection. She and I are going to work on it together, give it a week or two, see how its going and then make more decisions.

Erin- I want her to be happy and secure within herself and I want her to have a boy/girlfriend and enjoy the person. I also want to help her, though I'm not particuarly sure about or with what. I wouldn't mind dating her either.

Donovan- This is the only guy that I would ever consider dating. I've had a crush on him for years and sometimes when I'm around him I can't concentrate. He is amazing and I would love the chance to be with him.

Saska- I saw Saska and things weren't weird, well, at least on my side. I'm glad.

Drumline- Half the drumline didn't show for practice today. We may not be able to go to the state contest that we were expected to win.

War- I don't like it.

Me- I could improve upon myself and I will. Help me if you can.

This Time Around
Hanson

This Time Around
(Print the Lyrics)


It's getting colder in this ditch where I lie
I'm feeling older and I'm wondering why
Well I heard they told her it was tell and live or die
I didn't know her but I know why she lied
I didn't know her but I know why she died

You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around

And we won't go down

I heard them say that dreams should stay in your head
Well I feel ashamed of the things that I've said
Put on these chains and you can live a free life
Well I'd rather bleed just to know why I die

You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around

And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down
All I know is that fear has got to go
This time around

I've started feeling like I don't want to fight
Give in to the given and put out the light
Cannons a blazing shower these moonlit skies
Then I remember and I know why he died
Do you know why I die

You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around

You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around

And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down