Past

Today as we were coming down the mountain towards home the conversation happened upon Josh. Both my father and my older brother tore into him, stating that he was a jerk and the quite justifiable reasons for him being so. Even though in my stomach I felt that they were right I defended him, excusing him from any consequences of his actions. To be truthful with myself, he was an ass, he betrayed me in more than one way and outcasted me amoung my own group of friends for his own benefit. He threw Bible quotes at me and tortured me by not acknowledging my existance after he had been my best friend for over a year.

In his defense, there was tremendous pressure from home to "right" himself. He is not a strong willed fellow, though he is quite a genius.

Despite what he has done, I have forgiven him and if I had not been reminded today by my family today I don't know that I would have remembered the things that have happened to me. I truly love Josh and I always have. If I do not love him for what he is now, and I don't know that I do, I love him for what he was to me in the past. He was a brother, a confident, he was the only one who understood and who thought I was right, who supported me no matter what. He was my best friend and I was his. I love him for his potential, not for his doings.

The past is very intriguing. Today I've began to think of the past again, however, not in a depressed or strained way, but in a reminicent manner. If any of you have ever read A Fan's Notes by Frederick Exley you may know what I am talking about, though my ideas and past are not as devastating as his. If you have not read this book, as I suspect many of you haven't due to its little known fame, you should.

What has happened to those people of my past? What is past? Did it once exist at all or is it simply a figament of my imagination? What is reality? Is it simply the now and not anything else? Is this moment the only one that ever really existed? Is it possible for there to be time? How could there be if the only thing which is real is this moment? Why must we anticipate? Live in the now and not in the future?

Wow..... lots and lots of thoughts to ponder. That makes me happy.....

I will always remember Sonja and I will always taste that bittersweet memory as it washes over my conciousness. I am supposed to learn something from her, from her absence, probably many various things. I don't know what I have yet to learn but I will try.

Jumper
Goo Goo Dolls

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand.

The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain.
You know you don't belong.
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're The flash of light, on a burial shroud.
I know something's wrong.
Well everyone I know has got a reason, to say,
put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
And well he's on the table, and he's gone to code.
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they're doing here.
And your friends have left you, You've been dismissed.
I never thought it would come to this, and I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons.
Maybe today, We can put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in.
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...

I would understand
I would understand
Understand

Ya ya ya ya yah

Can you put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand
(I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,)
I would understand
(I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,)
And I would understand
(I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,)
I would understand
(I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,)
And I would understand