A Bit Confused

Yes, again, I am confused about love. About how it is defined and what it is and how it feels and when it happens and how you know when you're in it. And when you're out of it.

Why does Analise's memory stay with me all the time? Well, not all the time, but a lot of it. Why can't Becky be as wonderful and as perfect in my eyes as Analise once was? She is just as deserving, just as beautiful. Why do I have to talk to Becky about Analise? Why am I not over this?

This is so frusterating. I know that I hurt Becky's feelings whenever I mention Analise and yet I can't help but compare the two relationships. Its not fair to anyone involved. Becky is wonderful and beautiful and she loves me. I don't love her, and I don't love Analise, but I don't know how I feel for either. If Becky was to walk away from me right now I would have lost something amazing and perfect in my life. Yet, everytime Analise talks of Daniel I feel this wave of hurt and confusion wash over me. I am jealous, though I'm not sure why. I've got a beautiful, wonderful girlfriend who really does love me and sometimes I think I really love her and at other times I am just infatuated. Either is ok, there is not a thing wrong with either, but I just wish it was more clear cut.

I get worried about Becky sometimes. She's had such a hard life. I think that her parents beat her, though I'm not sure. She's always so afraid of being in trouble. She definatly has her own idiosyncrasies. She's afraid of being caught alone with me, afraid of being alone, afraid of losing me (to who???), just afraid of so many things. I wish I could take all that away from her, to make her strong, to make her ok with being herself. I care about her so much, I just don't know if I love her. I think I do, but then I don't......

I feel emotionaly drained. Baby dog is gone, I can't figure out what to do about those two girls, my mom was angry at me, I'm sick, I'm exausted and I'm craving sugar which will only make things worse. I know that I only need to learn from these situations, though I wish I could look up the answers in the index and turn right to the page where all of the answers are. I wish.

Green and Gray
Nickel Creek

I’m in a room full of people,
Hanging on one person’s breath
We would all vote him
Most likely to be loved to death

I hope he still wants it
But it might remind him of when
He aimed for the bulls eye and
Hit it nine times out of ten

That one time his hand slipped
And I saw the dart sail away
I don’t know where it landed
But I’m guessing between green and gray

Well I thought nothing of it
But it still haunts him like a ghost
With all eyes upon him
Except two that matter the most

He says
Green is the color that everyone
Sees all around me
Gray is the color
I see around her, she’s just a blur

The more the crowd cheers
The less I can hear
When they don’t really
Care what I play

It might be for her
But for now its between green and gray

We paid and we cheered now were gone
And to us that feels right
But for him everyone of those
Evenings turns into the night

With another hotel room
Where he lays awake to pretend
That he’s doing fine with his
Notebook and disc man for friends

He says
Green is the color that everyone
Sees all around me
Gray is the color
I see around her, she’s just a blur

Night after night while I hear what I write
Fills the room and my head starts to sway
Might be for her but for now
It’s between green and gray

I want you to love me
He whispers unable to speak
And he wonders aloud why
Feelings so strong make the body so weak

Then he awoke
Now he’s scared to death that
Somebody heard,
If it was you and you know
Please don’t say a word