*DEEP BREATH*

The last few days have been crazy. My mommy is in the hospital.... still..... I've missed three days of school this week. I've talked to Megan a whole total of 15 minutes since rally and thats 5 days. I usually talk to her every night for two or three hours. *eep*

It very strange to be incharge of something. Right now I'm picking kids up, dropping them off, going to doctor's appointments, visiting colleges *ie school field trip*, and going to operas. Well, opera. That was freakin awesome by the way. I love music. Yay.

Right now I'm trying to way the things that I want to be involved in next year, my senior year. *wooohhooooo*.

I no longer feel the need to try out for drum major and I'm not sure that I even want to be in band. If I am in band I think that I'll just go to band, I'll no longer be a leader, no longer be in charge. I'll just enjoy it. But, that is of course if I am in band.

I, in this moment, have decided that I am going to run for regi this year. This year I have been focused, I have been myself, I have been spiritual, or at least more so than anytime in my entire life. The last rally showed me how much I affect everyone, how much I affect the world. I am ready to lead in YOU, to be on that stage. I want to do it for me, for the experience, for the learning, for the teaching. Teaching enables one to learn as long as the mind remains open. Mine is very open. I've allowed my core values evolve and change into something I solidly believe in. I am solid in my belief of myself. Word.

There is always the possiblity of me playing soccer for a select team if I don't do band. I am good enough to get on a decent team. I love soccer, but right now I don't feel the excitement I felt at the beginning of the season. I guess I got used to the rush. Soccer is fun, but I don't know if I would want to do it all year long. Maybe if I didn't have a game every three days like I do with the school season.

Right now I'm number nine in my class. Top five percent with a 3.9 GPA. I'm proud of myself, though in the last week I've slacked off on my homework, mostly due to the lack of sleep. Since Friday I've barely gotten 5 hours of sleep a night, less than that Tuesday night. After the soccer game I went to sleep, woke up at 3:30 and wrote an English paper. I am really exahausted.

I'm worried about my mommy. She was supposed to come home yesterday but there were some complications and she got moved to ICU. She even got moved to a new hospital. My dad says she is going to be fine, and I know that is true, but I still worry. I love my mom.

Right now I'm missing school sitting up at my big bro's dorm room at TCU. I have a dentist's appointment and my dad can't take me because he is with my mom. My mom can't take me, because, well, she's at the hospital. So, because I can't drive after the operation, Ben has to take me. He is in class right now and then he has another class after that. Then I get to go finish my root canal. Yay...........

Ben is amazing. He really is. I look up to him so much. No matter how horrible I have been to him he has always been kind and generous towards me. He is a unique person. He is admirable. I love Ben.

I hope that Zack looks at me that way, I hope that I haven't been such a bitch to him that he can't look at me that way. I want him to be comfortable with me, to be able to trust me. I think he can. I hope he can.




I am never in want.




Just thought you should know.

This is a kick ass song though at the moment there is no deeper meaning pertaining to it. I am happily coupled *smiles*.

Swing Swing
All American Rejects

Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her
She's seeing other guys
Emotions they stir
The sun is gone.
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.

Did you think that i would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing,swing,Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)

Swing,swing, swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again...
To carry on again...
To carry on again...
To carry on again...