"I'm a bastard if its true...

And I guess its true..."

I can remember sitting in the movies with you, holding your hand and sensing the overwhelming feeling of safety cascade over us. We were best friends, confidants, and allies, lonely and alone together. You were the only one at school that I trusted; the only person that I knew would understand. It was wonderful and I am thankful for every minute of it.

I still do miss it.

You wrote in my yearbook that I'm in your thoughts and prayers, in a good way, every day. You have not left mine either. I wish the best for you, I really do. I'm just terribly afraid that it will never come.

While I'm sure I don't know half of what your parents have done to you, I do know part and I am horrified at the small amount of knowledge that I possess. However, I feel as if your actions cannot be justified by what your parents have done to you. The way that you treat Cassie and Jennifer infuriates me. No one else is responsible for those actions but you; you cannot blame anyone else. You are responsible for your choices and as of yet, I am deeply disappointed in you. Cassie is a wonderful person, crazy yes, different yes, but she does not deserve to be treated like a servant or a passing acquaintance that you happen to spit on often. I am even more disgusted at the way you treat Jennifer. Do not use her as a pawn, do not give her means by which to assume your feelings. Make your intention clear; don't destroy another because of your angst.

Obviously, I believe you're gay. I believe that you have taken, as you call it, the harder road of self-abuse and detriment in order to try and please others that will never be appeased. They will only ask more, take more, consume more and more of you until there is nothing left. There must be some point in your life at which you say enough is enough. Someday, you must end this madness; you must stand up for yourself. You must choose between yourself and society. ‘ “All right then, I’ll go to hell.” ‘ Huck said this at a time when what he believed was right was thought by society to be a great evil. Times change, opinions too. People were using the Bible to justify slavery then and to exclude homosexuals now. I can’t say that I understand what you have gone through but I can say that in the circumstances that I can see why you would choose to act the way you did. It is in the past, it has been done but you can choose to change. Don’t let your life be dictated by others, don’t let them ruin you. I know you, I know who you were, I know the potential that you have. Don’t let them spoil you.

I love you. I always will. I don’t know that I can ever forgive you for what you have done; it still hurts to this day. I do respect myself enough to defend myself and I will not let you treat me the way you have again, or anyone else for that matter. I’m sorry that I didn’t speak sooner on Cassie and Jennifer’s behalf. Regardless, I am always here. If you ever regain your senses, if you ever want a hug, if you ever want help, if you ever just want me to listen, I am here.

Phoenix
RCW

A Phoenix in the dust
Rising up again
Its perpetual rebirth
Wearing itself thin

Its life a continuous process
Of lying and cheating friends
And upon each existence
It does it, again and again

The bastard of the Father
The Son and the Holy Ghost
Beaten, bruised and left alone
By those who should love the most

Led astray by the Truth
To lead those about him the same
Using lies, love and hate
To play its own sick game

This lying, this forgiveness,
This eternal love based in fear,
Beginning every morning,
Ending each night in tears

Waking to shake the ashes off
To ignore the voice within
Rising with no lesson learned
To begin, again, in sin.

I wrote this for you one day after English…… I’m not sure that it helps that I put it here but I thought you might enjoy it, that you might remember when we would speak to each other in riddles, using metaphor to enrich our conversation.

I would like to clarify that I do have a new understand of Christianity and that the third stanza refers to people who use Christianity to judge and persecute instead of for spiritual reasons. It really is meant for your parents. I truly respect true Christians or anyone who is true to their spirituality for that matter. It is those that abuse and misuse that I have trouble with.

So, yes, you are a bastard. You enrage me, you sadden me, you make me cry. I miss you. I miss what we had and though this is not some vain attempt to get it back, I still want you to know. You have treated me poorly and treated my friends the same. You are a bastard. Past tense- You have been a bastard. You make the choice now. You are responsible for your actions. Change if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to. Whatever you do, don’t listen to them. Listen to Josh.