My first inclination...

is to respond with anger and frustration. I'll attempt not to, but please excuse me if it does slip through, I am only human.

Hmmmmm, that sounds like a first good point- I AM only human. I feel as if people sometimes have misconceptions of who I am, whether they have seen me on stage as a leader in Y.O.U., met me at a rally or seen me in the goal box (all places where I feel the absolute best of me is portrayed). I am not super human, or a god, or anything of that nature. I am human, I make mistakes, I forget about people, I stop calling, I stop fulfilling the small little roles that people peg out for me in their lives. Oops... Did I let that one slip out? Oh well.

Second of all, Sunshine, who, if any of you are old school enough to remember, was actually given that nickname by me, is actually named Analise. And if you remember, I was once in love with this girl, in fact she was my first girlfriend (by the way, there is a picture of her and her once-possibly-still best friend Celeen on my desk at school). I was so in love with her that I wrote endless lines of poetry and prose, that I spent hours each night on the phone and eight months fighting, bitching and being hurt to spend three months with her in which I kissed her a total of perhaps, perhaps 8 times. That was my sophomore year and the second most painful experience of my life (second only to the loss of my best friend that year, Josh [who if you are in town and reading this, give me a call or come up to my house or whatever, I'm leaving towards the end of the month. Starting on Friday I'll be in Austin, and then I'll get back in Joshua on Monday. We have shit to sort out]). I loved her to a point that there was no room left for anyone else, not even myself. Not the healthiest place to be nor one that I ever, ever, ever want to return to. The point being, I was probably more bound to her than a love sick, beaten and kicked puppy and probably just as abused (the majority of that self imposed but not all of it).

One note before I continue-- If you are in fact going to comment on my blogger, which you have full right to do, and are going to say something like Analise (aka Sunshine) or my last post on the last entry (anonymous), then have the balls-the ovaries-the guts to sign your name and not some pseudonym or some other bullshit. If you've got problems with me, be up front and not slight of hand or behind the back. Damn, people.

I slipped again. Deal with it.

You know what Analise, you don't need me. None of you do. And if you think you do, you should really take a look at your life and think about it. I don't say that to be rude or to be mean, but if there is one thing that I have learned in this last semester it is that to create loving, fulfilling relationships, you must be ready within yourself instead of searching outside. If you are still waiting for me to call you and tell you that you're wonderful or that I need your or that you make me feel whole, you are wasting your time and mine. What I had with Analise was at no point in time a healthy relationship. It was heavily one sided and no doubt extremely painful for both of us.

Where did the passion go? It went as soon as I learned my lesson-- I'm not ready for something unless I'm ready within myself, otherwise I become dependent on the person or vice versa. Note that this is not just with Analise but with several (possibly many) other girls, including Saska, Erin, Stephanie, K.C., etc. If I forgot your name, forgive me, as you can see, it took me several times running into the wall to realize what I needed to learn. To feel so strongly for so many people would tear me apart; doing so for one person came close.

Would it help if you knew that the Damien Rice song that I quoted was meant for me and not for anyone else? To a girl at my school, I mean much less to her (romantically) than she does to me. I guess it's karma or my just dessert or something. For once, I'm not the one being lusted after (though I would hope that doesn't describe my feelings for this amazing person).

Regardless, I would like to say that for the most part, I remember you fondly. As a whole I mean. I did some really shitty things, things that I won't and can't deny, just so you know I guess....... Any way, the picture of Analise and Celeen stands on my desk reminding me of the love (obsession) I once had as well as the two amazing friendships that existed in my life. I would be dishonest to say that they still exist as they once did or that I really intend for them to. When it comes down to it folks, I'm just too damn busy. I don't have the time, the energy or the desire to have the kinds of relationships that I had back in the day, whenever that was for you. I have no need to talk to people on the phone of for hours at a time, or to send love letters or to spill my heart and soul to you. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it is the truth. That is simply not where I am in my life. You have full right to be angry, frustrated and confused if you would like to be and if you would like to, you may write me/call me and try and figure something out with me, but I'm not going to promise to call or to write or to do whatever because I probably won't.

I do appreciate Celeen and Danielle and several (many) other people in my life who realize and accept where I am in my journey instead of attempting to guilt trip me or force me into their life in some strange, awkward, violent way. You can't change where I am or where you want me to be by being crabby and sending me nasty e-mails and anonymous messages and unfriendly voice mails. It seems to me that flies are more attracted to honey than to vinegar, if you catch my drift. I'm stubborn; attempting to force me to do something will only make me NOT want to do it more. I would think that you all would have figured that out by now.

.....Hmmmmmm.... I think it's interesting that several of you, some of you, read that last entry and thought not about how I was doing, or about the situation that I was in that was creating a space in which I could feel that way, but rather how it affected you. About how the words I was saying somehow, secretly were about you and not at all about my life or where I am. Again, I appreciate the other comments, the comments that were written by individuals with the purpose and intent of being helpful instead of nagging.

And if you haven't figured it out yet, it was rude. Again, if you have a problem with me, bring it up with me individually, instead of making a spectacle, instead of creating drama, instead of putting yourself in a spotlight so everyone can see how badly you're mistreated. Instead of giving me the chance and motivation to bitch you out. Because I will.

Let it slip again. Damn. Oh well.

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I'm going to be in Austin this weekend. I'm taking Shands back to school and then spending sometime with Vanessa and Celeen and anyone else who would like to chill with us at some point or another. I probably won't have time to deal with your scathing or nice comments (though I am assuming that the former is more likely) until after that. Anyone who would like to give me a call can figure out my area code and then call me at 905-2260.

Feel Free and Good Bless.