I've been reflecting a lot lately, thinking about a lot of different situations in my life. It has been awhile since I've last written and to be honest, I needed the time. I also don't really have the time right now, between readings for tomorrow and the fact that I haven't finished one of the family groups that was due today. However, I feel the need, so I'll make the time.

I have several letters that need to be referred to, several conversations and many thoughts. Be patient with me if I have forgotten something, I will try to look everything over and answer everything that should and could be answered this way, publicly, online. First, however, I'm just going to write; we'll see what I cover. Maybe I'll hit everything without having to go back. Maybe not.

The most curious thing about my last substantial post (funny was the first word that came to mind, but I think curious serves its purpose much better) is that I intended, from the very beginning of the post, to NOT react with anger, to NOT be bitter and to NOT cause drama. If you couldn't tell already, I did, very much so, do all of those things. I find this curious because I honestly did not intend it. I think that particular post shows how frustrated I was with the situations that were being brought up, if not by you (a universal "you" by the way), then by my own consciousness.

Please be patient with me in my writing. I fear it shall be a lot, perhaps confused and very intricate as I attempt to explain myself.

I'd like to begin with something that I don't know that I've ever really talked to any of you about. I often feel as if people expect something from me. By using such an ambiguous word like "something," I don't mean to be misleading, but rather to show that I don't understand myself.

I wish that my thoughts could simply travel to this screen, through my fingers and get it all out. I wish that everything could be explained in its entirety. No such luck I fear.

I can't tell you exactly what that "something" is or was or whatever, but I can give you examples. Whether these examples truly are wants of others towards me or whether they are misconstructions of my mind, I cannot tell you. I can only tell you that this is how I perceived the situations I was in.

Beginning with the many romantic relationships that I have had in the last 3 years, I have often felt that either during, or after, or both, that the individual (not always but usually) wanted me to "fix" them. Let me be careful in my definition; by "fix" I mean guide them, I mean help them through everything (in some cases quite a lot). I realize that is what you do with someone when you are in a healthy relationship. In my opinion, at some point, at some time, these relationships became unhealthy, the person I was dating, or who was interested in me, became dependent on me instead of the two of us being co-supportive. I often felt as if I was seen more of a mentor/lover than as a lover or a girlfriend. This (being the way in which I perceived the relationships) was frustrating to me because I didn't (nor do me currently) want to be a guidance counselor to the person that I was dating. It was also very nerve-racking because I often felt like I was obligated to help/aid/etc. the person in question but that I couldn't because I didn't want to be in a dependent relationship. The individual didn't just want a relationship and didn't just want a friend to help them out (which I am always willing to do) but both. That, to me, is too draining. It is too much for me to handle.

I hope that made sense. If not, ask questions.

This was not every relationship by the way. It was many of them though.

As for my time running and in Regional Office as well as the same for International, I trace my discomfort to my reaction to the actions of a group of people. After running for Regi and being elected, I was informed by several people that they felt during the process that I had been fake, that I had been deceiving to the region and that I had done things simply to get votes (if I am misrepresenting this, please tell me what corrections need to be made). This was particularly hard for me to hear for several reasons, the first being that it came from a group of people that I loved dearly, that had been my closest friends for several years. Also, these people included (which in some way [I feel] links to the above paragraphs) several girls that I had dated or that I had been involved with on a romantic level. It was also very hard for me to hear, and I say this honestly, from the depths of my soul, I in no way felt that I had done such things. I rather felt that for the first time I had been completely true to myself, that I had not been fake and that I had let go and let God work through me. So, to hear those words from such dear friends was truly injuring.

Going to Conference was a challenge for me. I felt as if my support base had been ripped out from under me. That and the fact that I am overly self conscious of everything I do (though it may not seem like it) caused me to debate resigning office, leaving Conference and never coming back. Luckily, Donna talked me out of that and I found support else where. The fact that the support could have come from my region did not occur to me at the time. I felt like my region didn't want me (absurd because I had just been elected I know, but that is truly how I felt). Instead, I spent increasingly more and more time with a girl named Stasha from West Central. My friends felt betrayed because I didn't go to them and I felt betrayed because I didn't think that I could go to them.

I would also like to note that I am an extremely personal person. Again, this may not seem like it is true, but it is. I enjoy working and being in front of large groups of people but because I put forth such energy with them, when I am not with them I need my personal space. Usually, that personal space involves one or two individuals. For '03 Conference it was Stasha, for my year as Regi it was Katrina and Shands, for '04 it was Rose. I can honestly say that I need that time apart from the group, one on one with an individual, to function. I've learned that this is how I work and I see and hold that as truth.

During my year of regi, several of my friends who had felt negatively about my actions during elections changed their minds or became reconciled with it in their own way. Two did not, or at least that is how I have perceived these situations. I felt these two became closer friends in their scrutiny of my actions throughout the year and still felt very much as if I in someway took advantage of them or misused them (again, please correct me if it is needed). These two I had at one time been involved with romantically and I felt as if they wanted that "something" from me on some level. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like dealing with the situation. I was hurt from the issues still left over from running for regi and frustrated with the fact that they too had not changed their minds. So, in summary, I avoided the topics, avoided the people, because I did not want to deal with it.

After the summer Bi-Regi- I Am Remembering, I patched things up with these two to some extent. I was excited to see them at Conference and I, while not everything was resolved, was feeling better about the entire situation. However, I was not ready for the extreme amount of energy Conference would take from me.

To put things into perspective, I would like to explain my summer to you. After planning bi-regi, I came home and a week later my parents and both of my brothers left for England. Both sets of grandparents were also meeting them there, one set to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. This was the last trip to England that my older brother, a long time idol and mentor to me, would possibly ever take as he was beginning his job the day after he got back. I was unable to attend because of my commitment to Y.O.U. It was the first trip I had missed in four years. It was also the only time that I got to spend time with my family because my dad works quite a bit (I follow him in many ways) and because Ben was in college.

I was also preparing to move across the country, to go to a state that I had visited once and to live in a place where I literally knew no one. I had yet to receive my roommate information and I was deathly afraid that my roommate would hate me because I was gay. I was worried about fitting in and about being from Texas and going to New York (a bigger deal than you might think).

On top of that I was responsible for taking care of the house that usually holds five and is supported by the work of five. I had to mow, clean, sweep, mop, and maintain the house and yard as well as take care of our many animals.

I also did not have a good experience at my last event as a regional officer. My final workshop did not go as planned and I was disappointed in myself. I had overworked myself and passed out during the closing circle and thus was not able to hug or say goodbye to anyone. Very, very frustrating

When I arrived at Conference I was missing my family immensely, worried about the fact that I knew nothing about the next year in my life, concerned with all of the chores and duties that I had left undone at home and full of expectations of myself. I was also serving on the Youth Support team and running for International (my experience being one of the main reasons that regis running for Intl. will not be on the Youth Support team [though Megan, I was wrong-- regis that are running for Intl. can come to PreConference, they just can't be on the team during the week]). In short, I was overwrought with emotion and duties. I was in dire need of that person, in this case Rose, to help me through the week.

At the time I didn't really think about how things worked out. Rose and I connected, it worked well and she helped me learn an immense amount about myself. Looking back, I felt as if I needed someone with very little preconceptions of me. Someone who would be open to just listening, to just being with me without constraints or with underlying purposes (whether or not they were perceived only by me). I didn't feel like I had that in the people from my region. I was still very worried about being perceived as fake or as if I was living for votes. Whether or not they felt this way, I felt as if those people still were perceiving me in the same way the did at the last election. I have sense been told that I was wrong.

I've written all of this in hopes that you (universal) could understand to some extent the pressure I was feeling. I was not in sound mind nor was I in a place to work things out with anyone. That week I truly needed to be selfish and to be honest, I am still amazed that I was elected. I was not myself that week, I was not true to who I am (not that I was fishing for votes, because that didn't happen either). It was not my best week.

So that was that week. Since then I have once again felt that I didn't want to deal with any of the situations. Unfair perhaps, but that is what happened. I felt (past tense) justified in all of my actions and that I didn't have anyone to apologize to. Now I would like to apologize for not managing my time better so that I could be in a better state of mind and more open to everyone during that time. When it comes down to it, I did what I did because that was the only way I could handle the situation. I apologize that it got to that point.

Now for the letters. I'll go through as quickly and succinctly as I can. I do have class tomorrow and I haven't finished the readings.....

Vanessa, I'm presuming the anonymous post is from you. I realize that people need friends; god knows that I do, but what I meant and perhaps did not articulate well was that I felt like individuals were looking to me for their self worth. I don't want to be the dictator of self worth. I want to be Becca, the supportive and loving friend. Both you and Celeen have encouraged me to resolve things with Analise and I agree. I also agree that it does not have to be the unhealthy relationship it has been in the past. I also agree that if it isn't serving her and I that we should end it. That is something that she and I will need to work out. Yes, you always do push me a little bit, I appreciate that.

Celeen- I have already answered your e-mail personally but I think that it brings up several points that I would like to put out there to everyone, so here goes. I do remember you (Celeen) as well as the rest of you (universal) fondly. Analise and Saska hold spaces on my desk and in my heart. They were, and I'm sure they still are, amazing individuals. I would hope that I could come into town wherever any of you are living, look you up and have a place to stay. The offer is open to any of you. It has been four years now and I have avoided the conflict enough. I'm beginning to work on it and we'll see how things work out.

Analise- I did not reply to your first e-mail because, as I said earlier, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to deal with it at that time and that was irresponsible. I apologize for that. The comment I made about lust was completely wrong and I acknowledge that now. Please accept my apology and recognize that came from underlying frustration with a number of things. I also did not mean to imply in any way that Celeen was anything less than an absolutely dear and loved friend. She is an amazing person who I cannot imagine my life with out. As for the possibility of me feeling as if I am better than everyone else, I can't confirm or reject that. As I said earlier (several times in multiple ways) I feel as if people expect something from me. This makes me feel separate from them, though I don't know if it makes me feel better. Something that I will think about. The rest of your letter I need to talk to you about, I think it is better that way.

So..... That is what I have been dealing with in respect to my previous postings and my trip to Austin. I've also been dealing with several other things. This is a monster of a post, I know.

Towards the end of last semester, I dated a girl named Emma. We began dating the weekend before my birthday and things became intense quickly. Or, at least on my end. This was another time of great stress in my life. I did not do well emotionally during finals, registration etc. My roommate situation was not very good and after having dated several girls and a boy this semester, I was feeling very uncertain about myself. All of this added up to me becoming a nervous, crying, unorganized dependent mess during finals week. Consequently, that is when my relationship with Emma ended. In less than three weeks time I had, in her eyes, gone from attractive to not at all attractive. She still wanted a friendship with me but in no way did she want more. This blew my mind and I dealt with that all of break. The result is quite interesting.

I've decided not to date, at least for a while. After a lot of thinking and a long talk with Rose, I discovered something that many of you have been trying to tell me for years-- I am in love with the idea of love. I try to create relationships after just a few days that would normally take months of friendship and cultivation. I attempt to force into existence my ideal of love and because of that I either loose the person who I was attracted to or I hook them and then gradually realize that they aren't who I made them out to be. So instead, I'm not doing that. I am not going to attempt to force or to make something happen. I am truly attempting to just be and have no romantic expectation of the people around me. This is really difficult for me. Really difficult. I'm working at it though.

Along with this experience came a lot of self introspection about how I felt about myself. At the end of the semester, I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel like Becca. Since I have pierced my eyebrow, gotten all new clothes and cut my hair. These are all things that I've wanted to do for years but that I've never done. I feel happy because what I feel inside about myself is now represented on the outside. Also, this experience caused me to think about the way I was structuring my life. I am now only taking three classes (12 credits) because I realized that I couldn't do what I did last semester again. Between I.Y.O.U. and the three classes I'm taking now (one of them being a 300 level and all being intensive reading) my days are filled, but much less filled then they would have been if I had taken a fourth class.

I'm also getting a new roommate. Her name is Janine and she is a good friend of mine. I'm excited.

So........ I think that is it for now. I know that it is quite a lot but it has been a while and a lot has happened. I hope that this can put things into perspective and that it helps you understand. If you have questions, please ask or comment or do whatever.

Feel Free and Good Bless.