It's time for me to get a life

It's time for me to find a life in Joshua, its time to live where I'm at instead of trying to live in Austin. It's time to stop living in a dream and start living in my reality. It's time to stop living a life where I spend my Saturday nights calling people three hundred miles away, only to find that they're living their life out with their friends. It's time to go out and have fun and experince people more than I experince voices coming from a piece of plastic. It's time to center myself and to have a life and exist where I live. It is time.

I feel such beasts of animosity rise inside of me when I think these thoughts. I am quieting them with deep breaths and logical thinking. God knows I love logic.

I feel to connected to these wonderful people. It is a great drain on me to be so connected and so greatly displaced. Its time to be rally friends instead of best friends. I need to talk to people from Joshua instead of Austin. I love them though, I truly do.

When I called yesterday, her mom told me that she was in the hospital. My heart, the movement of my blood lurched to a stop. I stopped breathing until the moment her mother said that Analise had been in the hospital last night. She had a kidney stone, but she was ok.

I called Analise last night and we talked for less then thirty minutes. She was tired and didn't feel amazing, but didn't feel bad. I felt sick the entire time I talked to her. I still love her. I do. I feel better for just admitting it too.

I'm ready to let go of that obessionistic love I have had for that beautiful person. I'm ready to disconnect that miraclous connection thats kept me going for a year. Its time to grow apart, we've served our purposes in each others life. It's good to let go now.

I'm learning to breathe and meditate and become still. Peace be still, and know that I am god. I'm learning to know I am god and that god is everpresent in my life and in all things. I'm learning to breathe.

Life is a game of shoots and ladders. We climb and climb and then slip down those tubes of mistakes, only to find the lesson at the end of the tunnel. Then we climb again, and slide again. The learning, the mistakes only lead to the best part- the realization.

I've given up shame. I will not be ashamed to be myself any longer. I am beautiful and perfect and wonderful and I am whole.

I am calm.


The General
Dispatch

There was a decorated General with a heart of gold
That likened him to all the stories he told,
Of past battles won and lost
And legends of old
A seasoned veteran in his own time

On the battlefield he gained respectful fame
With many medals of bravery and stripes to his name
He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face
And always urged his men on

But on the eve of a great battle with all the infantry in dream
The Old General tossed in his sleep and wrestled with its meaning
He awoke from the night just to tell what he had seen
And walked slowly out of his tent

All the men stood tall with their chests in the air
With courage in their blood and a fire in their stare
It was a gray morning and they were all wondering how they would fare
Till the old general told them to go home

He said: I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
And I have seen their mothers
And I will no other, to follow me where I'm going

So

Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young man you must be living
Take a shower, shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You are young man you must be living
Go now you are forgiven

But the men stood fast with their guns on their shoulders
Not knowing what to do with the contradicting orders
The General said he would do his duty but he would extend it no further
The men can go as they please

Not a man moved their eyes gazed straight ahead,
Till one by one they stepped back and not a word was said
And the old general was left with his own words echoing in his head
He then prepared to fight

He said: I have seen the others
And I have discovered
That this fight is not worth fighting
No, I have seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I'm going

So

Take a shower shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You're young and you must be living
Take a shower shine your shoes
You got no time to lose
You're young and you must be living
Go now you are forgiven

Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you are forgiven,
Go now you got to be,
Got to be,
Got to be,
Got to be,
Got to be yeah